To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

She's not going to win a parent of the year award but its not neglect or the business of social services FGS 😳

Would I go on a 12 day holiday without my kids? Yes I have done. This is an issue that regularly divides MN. There's no right or wrong. It's different opinions.

Would I go during the first week of pre-school? No I wouldn't. That's a bit shit. It's not neglect. Total hyperbole to suggest it is.

I do think OP should raise concerns with mum. But I don't imagine it will be well received and the new partner sounds like a dick. Unfortunately many people make bad relationship choices. Again none of social services business.

Exactly. I get the impression that OP’s friend sees her daughter as property, bought and paid for. Hence the belief that she has the right to be ‘child free’ whenever she feels like it, and palm her daughter off to bought in care while she indulges herself.

The man doesn't want to be a father again but is moving in with a woman who has a 3-year old...how is that going to work?
Any parent who leaves their child voluntarily with a nanny, for the sake a fun trip, for 12 NIGHTS is a terrible parent in my book. I'm not one normally for criticising the choices of other parents, but this has really upset me.

This sounds awful and she sounds like the sort of person who can’t put her child’s needs above her own. Major red flags here but mainly from her inability to put her child first. He doesn’t sound good though. Why the hell is someone who doesn’t want to be a father moving in with a mum of a toddler? I can see it going badly wrong and sadly this child doesn’t even have another parent who could step in - their mum is literally everything.

Worse still, he has two failed relationships and is a father himself in both of them. His attitude towards OP’s child, and wanting ‘alone time’ with her makes me suspect he bailed on the other relationships when children arrived on the scene. If so, makes it all the more worrying that he’s prepared to move in with someone whose child isn’t even his.

What is she usually like as a mother? It seems very odd that she wanted a child so much that she went the route of IVF and a sperm donor to then just leave her child for a holiday with a new boyfriend…

No, all it points to is that she had enough money to pay for IVF so that she could have the baby she wanted. She’s clearly wealthy if she has a nanny as well. A lot of rich people will acquire children through IVF or surrogacy and then palm them off on childcare workers so they don’t get in the way of them living their best lives. It’s not the case in every scenario either but sometimes there’s an entitlement that I want a baby so I will pay for one but little regard is given to issues such as how the child will feel growing up as a product of donor conception or surrogacy. This sounds like the kind of woman who shouldn’t have been a mum - anyone leaving a 3yo with a nanny for a 12 day holiday is a truly shit parent.

Seems to happen a lot. I spotted one ‘single mum by choice’ on Instagram, the type who makes her chronic condition her entire personality. She met a new guy recently and has now been describing him as her daughter’s stepdad. Such poor judgement. It baffles me.

I wouldn't be acknowledging the messages she sends and I would speak to her on her return she is making poor choices.

Although I think the title of your thread is wrong "To be worried about 3yr olds new dad"

Why would you word it as "new dad" when it's clearly not true. Strange terminology

If she's said "To be worried about friend's new partner" people might just have told her to butt out and mind her own business.

This makes me so sad. That poor little angel. 12 days is too much, especially as it sounds like the dad is not in her life? What about grand parents?
I think I'd message your friend and be honest - say the little girl seems really sad and the nanny seems overwhelmed. I would offer to take her for a couple of days and spoil her. Make sure she feels loved. It's not your responsibility but it would be a good thing to do if you can. I would definitely not rock the boat too much because I would want to keep an eye out for the girl but in a gentle way I would try to let the mum know the impact of her decision.

Same situation here. Regularly left with random and elderly relatives (not grandparents) for several weeks at a time and from a young age while my parents had holidays abroad
And now that my mum is a widow and wants my company I find i often have to dig very very deep to want to adjust my life for her
I have a sibling and this was the only thing that made it even remotely bearable - so for this little girl I suspect it’s even worse. I imagine this is something she will always remember and it will no doubt affect her future relationship with her mum

It is difficult to know what you should do OP but maybe quoting my story and that of bedtime91 (above) as “something you’ve read recently” might persuade your friend to give her head a wobble

12 nights over the first days of pre school (quite honestly any year of school) for a man is a no.

12 nights of for work, would be different. But she’s absolutely putting getting dick over her child and that’s disgusting.

I wouldn’t care how rich someone was, if they were taking me on, they’re taking on my DD as well. I wouldn’t be with someone who decided they wouldn’t have much to do with my DD. Thank god I’m married!

I wouldn’t be able to have any respect for a woman like this friend or not. I probably wouldn’t even do her the courtesy of a conversation because the sad fact of the matter is if she can’t even prioritise her own child then you will have absolutely zero chance of your opinion getting a look in. I’d be tempted to just link her to this thread so she can have a read for herself.

Rejection is a very toxic experience for children.

Mum should have employed a second nanny to help during her holiday.

There are few instances when I would say something but I think I would in this case. I can't see how being in a relationship with someone who is not interested in your child (while living with them) is not going to then damage your child. Emotional damage in childhood can last a lifetime. If I was single then I would only be interested in a relationship with someone who was interested in the 'whole package' and genuinely loved my children. I listen to the 'Miss Me' podcast with Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver. One of the episodes featured Lily's husband David Harbour and he spoke about how much he loved Lily's kids. I think once you have kids then their emotional needs need to come first. Unfortunately, some adults struggle to do that and I have seen it with children I know and it is so heartbreaking.

I would hold back saying anything for now.

It looks likely that's she's soon going to get a big dose of reality when her nanny hands in her notice. If she moans to you about this then I would have to say that her small daughter has to come first.

Yes, it will almost certainly damage your friendship.

She doesn't want the child anymore as interrupts her new life. The child's life will be nannies and childminders

A parent leaving a 3y old alone with a nanny for 12 days when they are starting pre-school? It’s neglectful and I frankly wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who so clearly didn’t prioritise her child over her sex life.

That is not good at all! But I suspect if he moves in as the nanny moves out there won’t be much domestic bliss and the relationship could end.

I wouldn’t say anything at this point, although it might be difficult to bite your tongue! But I would remain friends for the sake of the child and hope things change.

In all honesty, it's not the fault of the man! He made his feelings clear about not wanting to have much to do with the child, he might be a dick for it, but the mother has accepted this and still persued a relationship with him! The thread title doesn't need to mention him at all!

I wouldn't say anything yet bide your time and see what happens.
Anything said by you at the moment will result in an argument, with her telling you to..ind your own business.

If anyone should comment it should be the nanny as she's leaving and dosent have a friendship with her.

The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.
Why has the nanny been working 24/7 for a year? Has your friend dumped her child on the nanny 24/7 for a year?

The nanny could jeopardise her reference and future job prospects if she says something the mum doesn't like though

Don't be worried about 3 year old's "new dad", be worried about your friend's inability to put her child's needs ahead of her own wants.