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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

267 replies

Calmondeck · 07/09/2024 06:35

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

OP posts:

TheNuthatch · 07/09/2024 10:01

Poor child 😢 she doesn't even have another parent to fill in the gaps!
What's her plan when he moves in? Keep the child in her bedroom until she's old enough for boarding school?
The new man isn't really at fault as he has been straight with her, but she has discarded her daughter like a handbag that went out of fashion. I'd have to say something, even though it will end the friendship. She'll probably never speak to you again, but at least someone would have told her the truth. I couldn't sit on the sidelines and watch what's going to happen to this little girl over the next few years.

Cyclingmummy1 · 07/09/2024 10:03

Whilst many of us view this as poor parenting, bordering on neglect, SS will not be interested. The child's basic needs are being met, they are being cared for in their own home by a professional. In no way will this meet any threshold for SS involvement and it's a far more common situation than many people realise.

Wetherspoons · 07/09/2024 10:03

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2024 09:49

I wouldn’t blame the BF OP. Your friend is a grown woman and is making her own choices. The BF has his reasons for not wanting any more kids, so it’s not necessarily a red flag for coercive behaviour.

What is a red flag IMO is her moving him in knowing that he doesn’t want anything to do with the child. Her DD is going to spend her life playing second fiddle with this man for her mum’s affections, and even her time. I would approach things from that angle with your friend. Tell her what you’ve observed - including the fact that the nanny is in loco parentis far more than normal, and the child appears needy and misses her mum.

l would struggle not to say anything at all OP, and in your shoes l think l would be prepared to risk losing the friendship by voicing my opinion that she’s putting herself before the child she so desperately wanted, and that given the situation, you find her texts about the joys of being ‘child free’, selfish in the extreme.

I would point out the pitfalls of moving in with a man who has no interest in your child and prioritises time spent alone with you, and l would be blunt in the fact that it’s going to damage the child as she gets older and realises she’s so unimportant in her mums’ life. And that there’s a good chance that when she’s old enough to fully appreciate the situation she’ll end up hating her.

lf that is enough to end the friendship then so be it - for myself l don’t think l could watch future mental health problems for this child unfolding in front of me and still be friends with the mother.

Edited

Absolutely concur with this, the buck stops (in this case) as it should with the parent.

She has total agency.

SoTired12 · 07/09/2024 10:04

Poor child 😔, your friend is an absolute disgrace abandoning her child like that

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2024 10:05

Classicstripewastaken · 07/09/2024 09:17

Yes, she does. Escaping isn't the answer and she's doing her apparently much wanted child a disservice but if you're affected by mental health issues you don't necessarily think clearly or logically and it could be a coping mechanism for a bigger problem she doesn't know how to manage. That's great you managed to be present for your kids but that's not to say others are able and maybe she needs support to get there.

Or maybe she's just more interested in her new partner? Who knows?! I was only suggesting that maybe there's more to it than being swept up in a new romance.

Show quote history

Sorry - have l missed something ? There’s no mention of MH problems in the OP. Abandoning your child to a nanny while you flit off to enjoy life with your BF isn’t a ‘coping mechanism’. Neither is moving him in with you when he’s expressed quite clearly that he has no interest in your child and only wants time alone with you. That’s a recipe for future MH issues for the child, not the mother.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 07/09/2024 10:05

My bestie had a mother like this. She was left for prolonged periods while her mother went abroad. Her father was present but ill and in bed 24/7. She was raised by a concerned neighbour but this was in the 60's. CN did the practical things but gave her no love.

It has really messed her up for life.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 07/09/2024 10:06

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 07/09/2024 07:40

Except the nanny is 'exhausted' and 'working 24/7'. That (as well as breaking employment laws, presumably) means the care isn't really adequate, or safe (emotionally and perhaps physically) for this poor little girl.

I would both be reporting this and speaking pretty plainly to my friend about the emotional impact on her child of her behaviour so far and the risks of this man moving in. The welfare of that poor little love has to come before my desire to preserve the friendship.

Show quote history

It may not be within the realms of employment law or emotionally acceptable. But in terms of safety the nanny is only doing what any parent does, so it is absolutely safe.

Wetherspoons · 07/09/2024 10:14

ToddlerMama27 · 07/09/2024 09:55

What is she usually like as a mother? It seems very odd that she wanted a child so much that she went the route of IVF and a sperm donor to then just leave her child for a holiday with a new boyfriend…

Do you know why he is moving in with her? That sounds like it would be horrible for the child if he isn’t interested in her at all. If your friend keeps going along with what he wants that poor little girl is going to feel abandoned and will be neglected by her own mother in her own home ☹️

I think if I were in your situation I would see how things are in the coming weeks when they get home and if there is no improvement I would call social services as something needs to be done to change this before it gets worse for the little girl 😢

Seems to me like she's had a child for entirely the wrong reasons

Cherrysoup · 07/09/2024 10:16

I absolutely concur. We were talking (not with her) about students we know have very hard working parents out of the house for long hours. We’re in a position to notice behaviour, it’s pretty clear that there is an impact.

KimberleyClark · 07/09/2024 10:19

I could not deliberately bring a child into the world alone knowing that if anything happened to me they would be an orphan. It's incredibly selfish.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 07/09/2024 10:22

Jesus, DS is 15 and I still wouldn’t leave him for 12 nights! 2/3 maximum and if I was going abroad, I’d want him to come and enjoy it too!

EI12 · 07/09/2024 10:24

Weightz · 07/09/2024 09:46

I know I'll get flamed for this here but one could say the decision to pay to deliberately bring a child into this world with only one known parent was a pretty selfish one to start off with.

Show quote history

Why should you get flamed? Today very often a child is something people think they can 'cut and paste' into their lives. Obviously it is wrong! Children are expected to fit around their parents' peculiarities. The world has gone mad.

peasepudding · 07/09/2024 10:24

The best possible thing you can do is to stick around and be a consistent and loving presence in the child's life.

It sounds as if this poor child is going to have a very difficult time and it can make an enormous difference to a child to have just one grown up who values them. I would 100% prioritise that over having it out with the friend and then falling out with her.

theeyeofdoe · 07/09/2024 10:26

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 07/09/2024 07:32

I don’t think social services would take any interest. There is adequate childcare in place with the nanny, and one can infer that there are sufficient financial resources to meet their basic needs.

I sadly agree. Poor little boy.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 07/09/2024 10:27

I would seriously ask the friend when she comes back if she's considering having the child adopted, given there's a 24/7 nanny (presumably will be replaced with another one) and she doesn't see the child. If nothing else it might shock her.

MugPlate · 07/09/2024 10:28

He’ll drop her for someone new soon enough. Meanwhile the damage is done to the poor child.
Why go to all the effort of donor IVF if the child itself is a nuisance you palm onto other people?

Choochoo21 · 07/09/2024 10:31

YANBU but she is more to blame than this new man.

She has chosen to fuck off on holiday and leave her child with a nanny.

She is choosing to move this new man in.

I would have more concerns about her parenting, than with him.

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself for telling her how I feel but be prepared she could fall out with you over it and stop speaking to you.

I would perhaps try and gently speak to her about whether he’s fully understood what it means to become a stepdad and perhaps they should have him stay just for the weekends for a few months and gradually increase it, so it’s not too much for him or the child.

DeCaray · 07/09/2024 10:32

She couldn't find or keep a man so had a child via a sperm donor so that she's not alone and when a man does come along, the child is dropped like a hot potato.

It would be different if she met a man who was willing to embrace the child but this one doesn't and if he's moving in that child is going to be the brunt of his resentment and the cowardly 'mother' will no doubt take his side in condemning the child as being a nuisance.

It doesn't look good and personally I would drop the friendship.

starfishmummy · 07/09/2024 10:34

Well for one thing he isn't the "new dad" as it seems he has little to do with the child. It the Mum I'd be worried about.

stayathomer · 07/09/2024 10:34

I’m sorry but the ‘child free’ comments would drive me nuts and I’d probably reply with a (diplomat but passive agressive) comment that reminds her about her child being here and how she must miss her

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 07/09/2024 10:37

I'm not sure you have any control over this situation? Probably the most impact you can have is to make sure the mum knows that you would support her if she wanted/needed to leave him at any point.

If you have genuine concerns for the wellbeing of the child, then you must report to the preschool. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

RedWinePoliticsAndHair · 07/09/2024 10:38

In your shoes I wouldn't say anything and I'd keep them close for now. See how things progress after he's moved in.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2024 10:39

I don’t get why the OP’s friend doesn’t see this guy as a giant red flag in himself, from the point of view of two failed relationships, both with kids, no interest in her own child but he’s still happy to move in with her. The pattern is there for all to see. He wants all of the fun with none of the responsibility, and she’s happy to facilitate that at the expense of her ‘much wanted’ daughter. He’s the common denominator in the past failed relationships and l would be interested to know if he’s walked when children have arrived on the scene. If so it seems really odd that he’s moving in with someone whose child isn’t even his.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 07/09/2024 10:40

ToddlerMama27 · 07/09/2024 09:55

Not really the main point of your post, but we have to stop believing that people who pay huge sums of money for their children automatically want what's best for them.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2024 10:40

starfishmummy · 07/09/2024 10:34

Well for one thing he isn't the "new dad" as it seems he has little to do with the child. It the Mum I'd be worried about.

Mum seems to be doing just fine with it. She’s an adult, she has agency. Her child doesn’t.

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