To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

This is a friendship that will fade away I think

I agree this is all on the mum. She's behaving reprehensibly. Perhaps the reality of her longed for child isn't living up to the fantasy she had. The poor child.

Yanbu I’d perhaps just be factual about it when telling friend. Maybe say how much the child missed her etc. but wouldn’t say anything about the nanny that’s not your place.

But the school might. And things like this could go on file, and probably should, this is neglect by all means.

OP, I would be letting the school safeguarding team know 100%.

Yes, she does. Escaping isn't the answer and she's doing her apparently much wanted child a disservice but if you're affected by mental health issues you don't necessarily think clearly or logically and it could be a coping mechanism for a bigger problem she doesn't know how to manage. That's great you managed to be present for your kids but that's not to say others are able and maybe she needs support to get there.

Or maybe she's just more interested in her new partner? Who knows?! I was only suggesting that maybe there's more to it than being swept up in a new romance.

She’s putting dick before daughter.

This summarizes it pretty accurately.

This is wholly on mum, tbh. New man can suggest long haul foreign holidays all he likes, your friend could, and should, have said: no way. The fact she's gone ahead with the holiday and is posting about the joys of child free travel would give me the ick.

While I understand the sentiment behind some posters saying it's "neglect", legally it isn't. The child has been left in the care of a competent professional - their basic needs are all being met. (Or at least as far as we can tell - OP doesn't mention the nanny being incompetent, neglectful or cruel).

In my experience, in the sort of circles where people can afford this level or childcare, this situation is not at all unusual. (I don't mean to imply that ALL rich people would happily not see their child for days. But this is by no means a unique occurrence). Sometimes the reasons might be parents' work, and maybe that feels more acceptable somehow? Not sure about that.....

If the child was with their other parent, I don't think this situation would worry me. When parents are split it's not that unusual for one or both to have the odd childfree holiday with their new partner.....

What I am trying to say is, on a welfare level it's probably fine, and certainly not something SS could act on, though I agree it does sound rather cold and unkind, especially when the child is so little.

I don't think there is much point you saying anything OP - it's not like your friend won't have noticed what she is doing. She knows and has decided to do it, for whatever reason .

The parents being absent through work was raised in a training session at school this week. The woman delivering the training said it’s fine for parents to rarely see the dc due to this. We had a discussion after this about students we know rarely see parents due to work and absolutely disagreed. To me, it’s on a par with neglect.

I don’t know if your relationship with your friend is strong enough for her to hear criticism/concerns from you but I would lack respect for someone who’s chosen to be absent for non-essential reasons at a critical time and I’d be very worried that the new dp has said he’s not interested in looking after a 3 year old yet is moving in.

The bkane lies with the mother, not the boyfriend. She needs to prioritise her child, not her love life. I think I'd have to have quiet word with her. Probably won't make any difference though

The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

How is she 'exhausted' when she is looking after a child?

Your friend is not doing any of her own childcare? At all?

Sounds like it’s highlighted something in this woman. She used a donor to have her, presumably, longed for child. She didn’t have a long term partner to have a child with. Likely a source of insecurity for her. A man has come along and showed her attention and demanded her time and she’s dropped her child like a flaming bag of shit to please this man. Her insecurity and apparent ‘need’ for a man has really failed her child here. She has failed her child.

Really, really depressing.

She’s child protection and a social worker. We weren’t given her qualifications.

Your friend was so desperate for a child that she decided to have one without being an a relationship with a partner.

It reminds me very much of a child wanting a toy, playing with it non stop, then getting bored and moving on to the next one. Except this is a person, not a toy to be discarded when you’ve had enough.

Yes, the child has been left with a nanny, but the nanny has had enough and what will happen when she leaves. It sounds as though your friend now prefers a child free life, with someone who has no interest in being a parent to a small child. Poor child!

Poor child is going to have his heart broken when the nanny leaves

I know I'll get flamed for this here but one could say the decision to pay to deliberately bring a child into this world with only one known parent was a pretty selfish one to start off with.

This is awful, I would really struggle with it. It doesn’t matter how ‘swept of her feet’ she is, her dc should be her priority. I would have to mention the hugs the child has asked for to her. It is wrong and I would be prepared to lose a friend over such behaviour. And yes, he is lovebombing her.

I wouldn’t blame the BF OP. Your friend is a grown woman and is making her own choices. The BF has his reasons for not wanting any more kids, so it’s not necessarily a red flag for coercive behaviour.

What is a red flag IMO is her moving him in knowing that he doesn’t want anything to do with the child. Her DD is going to spend her life playing second fiddle with this man for her mum’s affections, and even her time. I would approach things from that angle with your friend. Tell her what you’ve observed - including the fact that the nanny is in loco parentis far more than normal, and the child appears needy and misses her mum.

l would struggle not to say anything at all OP, and in your shoes l think l would be prepared to risk losing the friendship by voicing my opinion that she’s putting herself before the child she so desperately wanted, and that given the situation, you find her texts about the joys of being ‘child free’, selfish in the extreme.

I would point out the pitfalls of moving in with a man who has no interest in your child and prioritises time spent alone with you, and l would be blunt in the fact that it’s going to damage the child as she gets older and realises she’s so unimportant in her mums’ life. And that there’s a good chance that when she’s old enough to fully appreciate the situation she’ll end up hating her.

lf that is enough to end the friendship then so be it - for myself l don’t think l could watch future mental health problems for this child unfolding in front of me and still be friends with the mother.

She's away! Did you miss that bit? Gone for 12 days.

What is she usually like as a mother? It seems very odd that she wanted a child so much that she went the route of IVF and a sperm donor to then just leave her child for a holiday with a new boyfriend…

Do you know why he is moving in with her? That sounds like it would be horrible for the child if he isn’t interested in her at all. If your friend keeps going along with what he wants that poor little girl is going to feel abandoned and will be neglected by her own mother in her own home ☹️

I think if I were in your situation I would see how things are in the coming weeks when they get home and if there is no improvement I would call social services as something needs to be done to change this before it gets worse for the little girl 😢

A pattern that of a 'Drama Llama' perhaps or a disaster of a life filled with 'Drama Llamas'

Horrible behaviour. Her poor child. My 4 year old doesn't like the thought of me not being there one night... Nevermind 12!
I'd have to say something even if it meant damaging the friendship. For the child's sake.

what a shame for the child. I think having a word is the right thing to do, if you're prepared to lose the friend. I would.

He sounds like a dream (not). Your DF is def swept away by it all and has decided she can delegate her responsibilities onto the nanny.

That poor little one stuck in the midst of it all.

I would raise it, but fully expect fall out as your DF will not want you to 'guilt' her. She knows what she's doing, but has no idea about the consequences.

Shame on her.

I agree. The texts about the joys of being ‘child free’ bear that out. She’s not child free, she made a conscious choice to have a child, who she’s now treating as an inconvenience to her enjoyment of life. Dating someone who expresses no interest in your child, and who is only interested in time alone with you would be a deal breaker for most people. Moving them in with you and your child would be unthinkable.

The child is 3. Are all those single parents of 3 year olds out there exhausted?

The friend is on a twelve day cruise, not 365 days, did you miss that bit?