To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

She is an absolute fool. A fool and currently, a failure of a parent.

Agreed. What kind of mother just blows off a milestone in a much wanted child. Most likely the only one she will have from what I understand.

She sounds like a crap mother who will be likely flagged up for neglect in the future if she’s not careful, or end up with a child who doesn’t know who she is.

A wealthy one am assuming? Can afford live in Nanny and this big holiday? Is the man as wealthy?

Except the nanny is 'exhausted' and 'working 24/7'. That (as well as breaking employment laws, presumably) means the care isn't really adequate, or safe (emotionally and perhaps physically) for this poor little girl.

I would both be reporting this and speaking pretty plainly to my friend about the emotional impact on her child of her behaviour so far and the risks of this man moving in. The welfare of that poor little love has to come before my desire to preserve the friendship.

Don't get it - to go through the hell of fertility treatments and then dump the child in the care of the nanny? She might be having some mental meltdown.

I wonder if mum is okay? I can't imagine leaving my son for so long or missing major milestones. Being a new parent is hard, never mind doing it alone. Perhaps she's been struggling for a while and this partner has given her a bit of escape. If she was finding it difficult or living with depression, avoidance can be easier than dealing with things and maybe this is her way of coping.

With all that said, there's obviously a poor child missing its mum at the centre of this. I'm not sure how I'd manage it with a friend, perhaps just stay close for now and offer support when you can.

Never mind the 12 days - this is my concern:

"He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child."
"the man is moving in after this trip"

These two sentences go together as well as pineapple on a pizza.

He's not a "new dad" to the child, what are you on about?
You should be concerned about your friend neglecting her child.

Do you think she feels that she has to go along with what he wants then Op?

Or is she just selfish?

If the nanny has been working 24/7 for the past year what has the mum been doing?

Does the nanny live in & can't get away?

YABU to be worried about the new dad and not about the mother! This is all on the mother! She is choosing to be away from her child. She is choosing to be with a man that she knows wants little to do with her child. She is choosing to move him into her house. She needs a serious wake up call. If I were you OP, I'd have to say something... but there is a high chance if she's willing to throw away her relationship with her own child for this man, she's willing to throw away her relationship with you if you say anything about her completely irresponsible behaviour!

This amounts to emotional abuse. Does your friend actually enjoy and want to be a mother? Poor child.

Everyone deserves some child free time but 12 nights and missing an important milestone is awful.

This will not end well. I would have to say something as I couldn't be friends with someone who behaves like this. Completely against my own morals and beliefs.

The mum needs to get a grip. It's up there with all the kids out there who are abused by step parents while the parent sits back and watches.

I doubt SS would be interested at this stage but the mum needs to put the child first. Or this will be disastrous for the child.

I would speak to her make sure she is OK and not under some sort of coercive control or some sort of depression
What are her family saying about her?

It’s a tale as old as time though isn’t it. Mum’s head turned by man who becomes the priority. No doubt he’ll move in and at best be disinterested in the child but at worst any range of horrible things.

It is definitely not usual to leave a 3yo with a nanny for nearly two weeks to go on a couples holiday with a new boyfriend. The nanny must be near the end of her tether to moan to you as her boss’s friend.

I’d also imagine her 3 year old will be quite tricky when she returns so that week will be quite the come down compared to an adult holiday.

Umm the man isn’t the issue here. What was your friend thinking to go away for 12 nights at the start of pre-school?!

I am not one to say never leave your kids btw. I go away with a friend once a year but a maximum of 3 nights and I would never do it at a crucial time such as starting school.

You need to have a word with your friend. She’s entitled to have a new relationship but she obviously doesn’t prioritise her child in any way. The one red flag I see is why is he moving in suddenly?

I couldn't be friends with someone like this, what a selfish mother. Absolutely disgusting and neglectful behaviour, her poor DC

Social services are snowed under and this unfortunately is u likely to reach any kind of threshold considering the child is being cared for by a professional and I assume currently cared for, well groomed and fed. It also sounds like a (currently) one off, as in it’s the first time she has done it.
But the whole thing does sound very concerning. I would get in touch with the preschool if you know where the child is going and just fill them in. It is possible that out of professionalism the Nanny hasn’t said much. If preschool have a full picture they are perfectly placed to keep an eye on the child and see how this develops, and will be well versed in safeguarding/raising concerns with SS.

I have a friend well ex friend who always has put men ahead of her kids. I said something and it ended the friendship. One day she was telling me how she had, had a fight with her parents because they'd told her to stop putting men ahead of her kids and she wanted me to take her side and I couldn't, her parents where 100% right. Although we where good friends I couldn't be around and feed into someone's desperate delusions like that she genuinely couldn't see what she was doing was wrong and she'd act like a desperate school girl around men it was embarrassing to see and they'd usually be really shitty abusive men who prey on women like this.

yanbu to be concerned but yes it would be friendship ending to voice a concern at this stage.

Just a general objection / criticism of her boyfriend is not going to go down well. You could tell her about the child asking for hugs, wrapping it up as the child missing her very and being very very happy she’s home. Hopefully it will make her think. You need to be subtle I think. But also, if something specific and concrete happens that concerns you, yes you should speak up.

Awful mother.

This is a really good idea. Poor little girl. Maybe tell the mum her dd has been really clingy to you and upset.

Don't say anything. This child will need you even more once nanny leaves. They say that having an adult who loves and supports you can mitigate adverse childhood experiences. You will need to be that adult, so don't fall out with mum.

Little girls living with men that don't like them or want them around have terrible lives....

I accidentally hit yabu , but of course yanbu. I've been a solo parent since the birth of my DD(7) and didn't leave her overnight until she was 4. My mum takes her away every year now for 4 days with her cousins, by day 3 I'm lost and miss her so much. I couldn't ever imagine doing what your friend has done, especially after going through IVF to have the child. Moving the man in sounds like a huge mistake and I'd definitely be having words if it was my friend.

I think I’d be offering to take the child for a night over the weekend to give the Nanny a break.

What does her family think? Poor child