To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

And I reiterate, if the child's needs are being met, there won’t be anything the school can do. Social Services won’t be interested.

But they are not being met, are they?
I suggest maybe doing a course on child protection, lots of information online that you dont have t opay for, because only financially meeting child's need does not need child's needs are being met and there are different forms of neglect you seem totally unaware of.

SS may not be interested at this point, but school will put this information on file, and they absolutely DO NEED to know even if they can't act on it straight away.

Please do upgrade your knowledge, it's a really interesting topic btw.

Have to say I'm also confused what a school will do about this? She is being cared for, it's not like she's being left home on her own.

The poor child. I'd start lightly and see how she reacts e.g what changed new partners mind of being involved with her child now he's moving in? Is he going to be a dad role etc? If she's prickly it'll tell you how to proceed. If it doesn't seem like it'll go down well I would it out a month or two and see how things are panning out. But if it looks like the child is being ignored still then id have to point out the obvious neglect to her

I was reading the other day about something called - affluent neglect.

When I Googled it - I found realms of information from legal firms, to social services, to schools and councils. So it's a genuinely a thing.

Have a look into it OP. It might help you put into words the feeling you have that something isn't right, and that might help you be able to decide the best approach with your friend.

I was reading the other day about something called - affluent neglect.

Yes - there is more focus on this - it was covered in the latest safeguarding update and working in an independent school it’s something we’re particularly told to be aware of. This kind of neglect and physical abuse are what we hear the most disclosures for.

It sounds as though your friend had had her head turned and is neglecting her child. I’m sorry but what mum would miss her child’s pre-school first week or any other firsts if they didn’t have to. I think she seriously needs to review her priorities. I knew someone like this once and the other man drove her kids back to their father. Disgusting and have zero respect for her or this mum. I would have to be honest and voice my concerns.

All I can say is that this thread is so so sad. The poor child. I think I would just see what happens over the next few months and see what you think. Sorry there's no helpful advice OP.

@Rockstar1617 the Nanny is leaving because she is knackered and being exploited, not because she doesn’t like the child.

This has made me feel like crying. Poor little girl 💔
There is no way I couldnt say anything. Be careful with the way you word things though as she may cut you off.

He’s moving in but doesn’t want to play a fatherly role again? That’s not going to work is it

Getting a bit sick of all of the replies stating not to blame the bf- don't be so naive: I've seen very loving, caring, perfect single mothers change completely and start neglecting the kids once a new man comes into the picture. He then moves in and everything turns upside down.

But that is still the mother’s fault . She has taken up with someone who has upfront said that he wants no role in the child’s life , if you are a parent then you throw him back and pick again .

It’s still on the mother. She doesn’t have to move him in. She doesn’t have to flit off on holiday and leave her child. She doesn’t have to send OP the most utterly selfish texts describing the joys of being child free. She isn’t. She’s choosing to ignore the fact that she’s a mother and putting herself first. He might well have stated he has no interest in her child but the fact that she fails to see the ramifications of that because it gets in the way of what she wants still isn’t on him. It’s squarely on her. She is the parent.

Thank you for the lecture. Social services have their hands full. The child is cared for and safe. School may well put it on file but the plan fact is that social services won’t act on it until something significant changes.

Again please read what I said- they may not be able to do anything NOW, Im pretty sure I wrote it a few times.. I never said SS will step in- please quote the bit where you thin I said so. But the school need to be aware as it's a case of neglect. Many neglect cases dont mees SS threshold, does not mean neglect is not happening.
Maybe a visual will help, but again educate yourself before you post stuff that is not factual. Pay attention to the bit that says "Emotional unavailanility" and "Inconsistenty of emotional support"- this is why we talk about emotional neglect, not physical.

Emotional needs of the child are clearly not met- I find it very weird you are contesting it unless you are the actual mum of this poor girl, writing from your holiday with your new man.

Social Services won't care if the child is with a nanny, the Royal Family parented like that for years.

Oh I know nursery and school won’t be able to do anything about THIS, I meant the situation Needmoresleep was talking about which was different.

This sounds horrible to me as it seems the child aas conceived through a donor to fill a void in mum's life (and not necessarily because she truly wanted to be a mother). Then this man comes and the void is filled in less exhausting /more fun way than looking after a pre-schooler. So the mum basically buys her way out of normal maternal duties.
I am pretty sure if you talk to her (however we'll you prepare or not) she will strike back with "I also deserve happiness and the dc is well taken care of/none of your business ".

An extremely sad situation.

Depending on how good and close a friend she is, you might tell her how her child suffered and nanny lamenting etc, and possibly warn her, she might be so exhausted and unprepared to motherhood, or simply selfish. She might not realise what's going on in her absence.

In any case you can't change people unless they decide to, but you might give your contribution and insight to improve your friend's awareness.
In any case that man is not responsible for your friend's decisions.

This this this

Why are you worrying about the man and not your friend? She sounds somewhat neglectful like she saw having a child as a fashion accessory.
He only does what she allows - if you need to speak to anybody it’s her about her.

Why would it be unusual to leave a child for 12 nights with the other parent?

That was the weirdest part to me. It’s not like an unplanned pregnancy and she was unwilling / unable to terminate. She spent thousands on a gruelling process to have a kid and then cannot be arsed with it.

Makes me wonder why she didn’t just be childfree instead.

I know social workers - they definitely would not intervene in a case where a child had a full time Nanny looking after them. That would not mean the child is not being cared for.