To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

I think you’re watching a slow car crash, and I don’t think a mother like this will/can see beyond her shortcomings as pointed out by anyone optional in her life. Very sad.

Please re-read this part of the post you quoted and hope the second time round you will understand a bit better.

SS may not be interested at this point, but school will put this information on file, and they absolutely DO NEED to know even if they can't act on it straight away.

We spend more time shaming people who choose not to have kids which is wild to me! They aren’t harming anybody. Mothers like this, are.

People like this blow my mind. I don’t date men with young children as I have no interest in playing a pseudo mother role. But people who date those with children but plan to ignore the children are really weird.

Wow. I’m almost in tears reading this. I’m a single mum by choice of a small child and have a few friends who also are and this woman’s behaviour is so, so far beyond what is normal. Yes, all of us single parents want the odd break from our kids. But nobody I know would come anywhere near considering this kind of absence from their kid’s life. The one thing single mums by choice have in common is being absolute lionesses when it comes to stepping up for our kids. I doubt there is anything you can really do in this situation but I’m just so sad for the kid.

Having worked for social services I doubt they would do much, particularly given cuts in resources in recent years. However, it still might be worth talking over things with a duty social worker as they might have practical advice no-one else has thought of. Also a great idea as posted already, to inform the pre-school teachers on the QT so they can monitor the situation. Both these actions may be good for OPs well-being as right now you seem to be the only permanent adult actively looking out for the child’s interests and that’s a stressful place to be when you have your own family to support. Love the point made already about the other ‘prong’ of this is around the mistreatment of the nanny. Maybe she could speak to ACAS? In terms of my emotional reaction to the situation - thank god the poor baby is able to get the odd cuddle and precious moment of emotional safety from you (the nanny sounds burned out). I’m a big softie and have never been away from my kids (now 15 and 17) for more than 4 nights - I work full time and don’t earn a huge salary, so always feel my presence is one thing I can offer them. 12 nights away from a 3-year old would break my heart

But that is still the fault of the mother. You are treating women like small children with zero agency.

If he dislikes the child so much why is he moving in with them? That makes no sense.
If you're close enough with your friend, you could try and broach the subject.
Not in a judgemental way about her, more about how this new fella doesn't seem mad about the idea of being in the kids life, how does she feel about that? Does she think it will change? What about his other children?
If you're talking about it but letting her say her own piece, I don't think she'll take it badly.

I find it unlikely she'd prioritise this bloke over her much wanted, and struggled for, only child. But I guess it is possible. The thing with the nanny seems pretty off tbh.

What will the school do with the information that the child is left in the full time care of a nanny?

Seriously, in a country where boarding schools and Nannies exist, where this literally describes the upbringing of the ruling family - what note will be placed on file?

I wouldn't leave my kids for 2 nights seriously let alone 12 cannot imagine that

She sounds like a really horrid mum. Sorry to say, but that's the uncomfortable truth.

She hardly cares for her child and treats them like a pet essentially. Having the child only a few nights a week for dinner and a sunday?!

Poor child. Completely denied a loving, healthy attachment. The child probably has and will have huge abandonment issues. Doesn't know where their other biological heritage is from and a biological mother who outsources live and care ti a member of staff who can leave at any minute.

This is selfishness on a scake of its own. Where are the childs human rights in all this?!

Wow. Why did she bother having this child? She barely parents her at all, this is awful. I would struggle to spend time with them, and I would've expressed concern when she was planning to be away for the 12 nights, not after. That poor baby.

This breaks my heart. Those poor children. 😢

Exactly. I am curious to know the age difference between the mother in question and the new BF. I bet dollars to doughnuts he is much older and looking for a plaything,

I get this is her choosing and the responsibility is on her. Yet if there is a significant age difference, he preyed on her. It is well know that single mothers are good targets as they tend to be caring, giving, etc. And older men like younger playthings, And manipulative men love power trips where they eclipse the child.

What is the age difference between the mother and the new BF? Curious.

Agree, yet there are many men who put their needs above the child by leaving to have their own childfree life while the women are left raising them alone.

Note down that a child is emotionally neglected by their parent and monitor the situation (and seems the nanny is not gonna hang around much longer). Again feel free to look up emotional neglect, you may be surprised what you read.