Is this disloyal to you?

[lovenotwar149]

I had a BIG difference of opinion with a long standing friend. Havent spoken to her for a few yrs. After the altercation, I called 3/4 times to talk about it and sent 3/4 msgs...no reply. Fast forward to now, 2-3 yrs on, she books my son to entertain for a big party she was hosting last Saturday. My son accepted and let me know as he recalled the upset between us. 2 days before the party this lady actually messages me to extend the invite to me and my hubby and also added some very mean comments in the invite about the altercation. I told my son and asked if he wanted to read the msgs. He said yes. He thought they were mean too. He went anyway. I feel a real sense of betrayal by him. AIBU?

WiddlinDiddlin

Very wise!

I think the nature of what he does is clouding your judgement. Just because it's a social occasion does not mean your son is there in a social capacity.

If he worked in a shop he'd have to serve her politely.

The time for this conversation was prior to accepting the booking and you muddied the waters with some interaction which led to you being invited so he had reason to think bridges might be mended.

Once that point is gone then he has a professional commitment.

Is it just your son or is it others involved too? E.g band rather than DJ?

I have just called my beautiful son. We had the most loving chat. I apologised. He said I made some valid points. All good. thank you so much for your comments ppl. So much xx

I literally just came on to say this. If he'd cancelled, she sounds like she would've smeared his name all over town; people like that do. I understand why you're upset and it sounds like he does, too. We live and learn.

And there you have it.

Be proud of your children and your son for being professional and rising above this manipulative behaviour by your ex-friend.

Change the narrative. This isn't a betrayal. It's a validation of you raising a child who understands professionalism. Be proud of that.

This was done to get to you and hurt you and create division within your family so stop falling into the trap created consider this as a situation your family has navigated well if you can get past your hurt (which I think needs reframing).

On the plus side, assuming your son is good at what he does that will have people talking in ways that will undoubtedly annoy her.

Consider it a very dignified from of two fingers to have him act completely professionally and be bloody good.

You need to learn and appreciate the difference between professional and personal, it is not your son's responsibility.

You did not expect him to cancel the booking with just a couple of days notice - did you ? surely not ! think of the damage that could / would do to his reputation.

it was an olive branch she offered by inviting you and your husband.

No - because his business reputation could be badly damaged. She would probably slate him on social media and he would have no good response because he would have cancelled at short notice.

This could have gone his business serious damage. Let it go- his business success or indeed survival matters more.

Just read your update - that’s a good outcome. She might well have hired him deliberately to needle you - so best to rise above it.

No.

It's just money. Get over yourself.

And forget about her.

You and DS are the bigger people. Ignore, block, move on, whatever.

Perhaps in future your DS, having seen what a horrible person she is, will be 'booked on that day, sorry, hope you can find someone else'.

Your kids need to learn too about loyalty. Don't let her drive a wedge between you. That's what she's doing.

I think it's a good thing that your son behaved professionally and, if she was trying to provoke you, it would take the wind out of her sails.

Don't let on to anyone in real life that she has upset you so that it doesn't get back to her, dialling down the drama is the best option.
If she intended to nettle you it's best not to give her the satisfaction and not to give it any headspace or talk about it with your son again.

Not disloyal and you need to learn to manage your emotions better.

You are being incredibly self centred. Your son is running a business

I was just about to say that!!!

Good stuff OP - I suspect he was blindsided by her booking him and didn't think of a good excuse as to why not in time. It's often difficult, in the moment, to have a neat 'oh, sorry, all booked up for that date I'm afraid'.

All sorted now, whats important is you and your son are all good and she can't cause a rift between you, nor can she bad mouth his business.

You have to be able to separate business and personal.

Me and my husband used to run a business together. He was the director and I was the office manager.

I fucked up badly once and he hauled me into his office and wiped the floor with me. Formal warning. Nearly fired me.

We went home together to the kids and had dinner. Work stayed at work. Home stayed at home.

You simply cannot run a business if you make family hurt feelings a factor.

If anything, it's a victory. he's taking the money of a woman who hates you. It's going in his pocket. He can buy you a drink and you can toast her stupidity in actually paying money to get to you.

You sound really hard work, OP, and massively unreasonable to bring your son into this at all. For him, it’s a paying job. You are the one who is expecting him to take sides. Grow up.

Yes, I think there must be some truth in that. Some people are like that. I do have empathy for you. Glad the outcome was good.

Nope

No. He is treating it as business abd being professional. I wouldn't involve my son in my friendship problems.

She might have been trying ti cause trouble by booking him, and then when that didn't work by antagonising you to try and get to him, and she might have been ready to trash his business reputation if he’d failed to turn up. I’d advise him to be ‘busy’ if she teied to book again!

What she said...

Do you want your son getting bad reviews and losing business all because of an altercation you had with someone years ago?

Putting your son in a situation where he might lose business would be disloyal.

Too much baggage to unload, let it go, your boy needed the work (money), thats all that really matters these days. Bills to pay etc....

Your son broke GDPR by telling you she had booked him in the first place. YABU it’s a business. One bad review, word of mouth, you have to be professional .
Say your son was a surgeon booked to perform surgery on her, would he say shit I can’t do this, what do you think mum. No, of course not. He should never have told you.