Is this disloyal to you?

[lovenotwar149]

I had a BIG difference of opinion with a long standing friend. Havent spoken to her for a few yrs. After the altercation, I called 3/4 times to talk about it and sent 3/4 msgs...no reply. Fast forward to now, 2-3 yrs on, she books my son to entertain for a big party she was hosting last Saturday. My son accepted and let me know as he recalled the upset between us. 2 days before the party this lady actually messages me to extend the invite to me and my hubby and also added some very mean comments in the invite about the altercation. I told my son and asked if he wanted to read the msgs. He said yes. He thought they were mean too. He went anyway. I feel a real sense of betrayal by him. AIBU?

Unfair of you!

She knows you and your family very well, and could predict how you would react and feel. So she tried to be clever, booked your son and then after sent his mum mean things just two days before, knowing you would show the messages to your son. Because she knows you.

Maybe she hoped for him to cancel, and then she could slag him off to all the guests, family and even his business online. Because who cancels an event for a child that late, that would be so cruel.

But, your son thankfully didn’t take the bait. He acted as a professional business man, and did the job. You should be proud he did, and not let it cause problems between you.
So let it go.

A conspiracy theory, I know. But quite possible.

LAMPS1

You put that very well with kindness too. I AGREE

ConstanceHatchaway

My sentiments exactly re her manipulation

No.

Your son is a professional and behaving like one

ConstanceHatchaway

He really did act as a professional

Sounds like your ex friend did it on purpose: Deliberately booking him knowing that he would feel torn to entertain for her, and then "inviting" you in what sounds like a nasty way a couple of days before. She never thought you would come, she just wanted to drive a wedge between you and your son.

Don't give her what she wants.

Bloom15

Fair enough. Thank you for not belittling me

It’s upsetting OP but the real hurt is with your friend. I’d try to direct my anger and sense of betrayal towards her and not let it affect your relationship with your DS

YABU @lovenotwar149 this was business not pleasure. Cancelling last minute would have been unprofessional and could lead to a poor review/downturn in business. I can’t believe you can’t see that. Sorry, but you need to get over this. What’s it to you that your son took this paid work? Why does it affect you? Move on.

MonsterTruckMa

I wont let it drive a wedge between me and my son...no way

So be proud of your son then. He is a smart boy.

AlleycatMarie

Fair points. you could have said that a bit kinder imo...but gd points

ConstanceHatchaway

yes , thank u again

You’re saying he does this for free?

When you’re self employed a booking is a booking. You have to take the jobs when they come up, few of us are that rich that we can afford to turn away work.

You are making this all about you when it’s not. Be happy that your son is out there working hard and making a success of himself.

That would hurt me, son doing his job wouldn't.

@lovenotwar149

i can't imagine how you fell
out with her in the first place 🤔

Of course it is disloyal. People are enquiring 'will it affect his payment or his reputation', but I see it as if he sold you out for payment or for his reputation.

He engaged with her on a professional basis. I engage with many people that I don't like on a professional basis. Personal feelings need to be pushed aside in professional world or else we wouldnt engage with anyone. It appears she wanted to get a reaction from you and she's getting it. Your poor son did nothing wrong.

YOUR son is not your property and from the sound of is he is an adult and can make his own decisions.

What do you mean disloyal? Are your some kind of mafia family? Because that would be the only type of family where I could imagine demanding "loyalty" from your (adult) kids even being a thing.

It sounds like a horrible situation. I would not engage with it, personally. Just ignore and move on, life is too short. Resentments eat away at people and make them bitter. Don't allow that to happen to you.

Once she asked... he was already in a sticky position.

If he had refused, its likely she'd have bad mouthed him and his business wherever she could, nasty people do not like being denied whatever it is they want.

If he accepts and then changes his mind, she'd do the same.

His business may be going well, and he may well not suffer from not accepting or even cancelling one job.

I think you are seriously under-estimating just HOW much damage one nasty, vindicative person (and it sounds like she really is that!) can do to a small business in their local area or even further afield, if they really want to.

He's done nothing wrong, she's a nasty cow and you are letting her get between you and your son, which is probably what she wants.

Pull up your big girl pants, tell your son you love him and this doesn't matter AT ALL, apologise for showing him the messages and getting him further embroiled in it and let it go.

That is how to deal with this - it would piss her off no end to discover that you don't give a FUCK.

Well I seem to be a lone voice, but I think you have got every right to feel hurt by your son accepting the booking, knowing how much this person has upset you. It's a question of family loyalty. I would definitely feel let down and betrayed if either of my children did this. Most people would I think (apart from on Mumsnet apparently).

Then you should be proud of him.

You should not make him feel guilty.

But this is right.

Dont let this be a big deal between you and your son, let it go. He agrees with you but he was working. You need to let your issue with him go and never speak to the lady in question again.