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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

196 replies

Eisie · 06/09/2024 13:23

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

OP posts:
Chocolateorange22 · 06/09/2024 13:25

I'd be raging too. For two nights a week he can find something a damn sight cheaper.

shellyleppard · 06/09/2024 13:25

You are not being unreasonable and your son is very very selfish!!! If he wants good accommodation he should help pay for it!!!! Cheeky bugger!!

Beamur · 06/09/2024 13:27

Ah the whiff of entitlement!
He'll appreciate them more if he breaks up with the gf.
Have contracts been signed? If so, you probably don't have a lot of wiggle room.

PotterHead1985 · 06/09/2024 13:29

Is she even allowed to have someone practically living with her (5 nights a week) but not paying for the space? He could be landing his gf in a world of trouble.

But yes, also a selfish git at that price

CormorantStrikesBack · 06/09/2024 13:29

I’m going to go against the grain and say I think you’re over reacting though he could appear to be more appreciative I guess. Regardless of how many nights he spends at his gf he still needs his own accommodation. I doubt her room is big energy to keep all his stuff in. Plus she could turn round at any point and say she doesn’t want him there. So the halls needs to be paid for regardless of how many nights he spends there.

PiggieWig · 06/09/2024 13:30

He could get an Airbnb in central London for two nights a week for less that £300 a week. I’d be telling him to do that and deal with the inconvenience of carting his stuff around. Cheeky sod.

W0tnow · 06/09/2024 13:32

We pay a fair whack, and looking at it from the other side, I wouldn’t be impressed if my daughter’s boyfriend was spending most nights at her accommodation (that we pay for).

AgnesX · 06/09/2024 13:35

I would imagine that the novelty will wear off for her very quickly if he's constantly in her space. They're supposed to be studying and hall accommodation isn't that spacious.

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 13:36

Do you really expect him say to his gf “sorry I’d love to stay at yours but I need to go back to mine so my mum gets her moneys worth. Do you fancy coming with and squashing into my single bed so you sleep terribly before work?”

it’s not his fault the affordable option is a shitter than her place.

Anonym00se · 06/09/2024 13:40

Why can’t he stay in a cheaper shared place, even if he does hate it, if he’s not going to be there anyway? I’d tell him you’re only prepared to pay for the cheaper place. If he wants halls that he’s not even going to stay in, he can make up the difference.

waterrat · 06/09/2024 13:49

That is insane money. Students are being ripped off.

Surely he should be in a shared home if thst is hiw he feels about the more expensive option

Oor · 06/09/2024 14:06

Does he not contribute at all? Or is it not possible to have a party time job when doing dentistry? I’d be annoyed at his lack of gratitude too- id also be absolutely screwed if I had to pay all that money each month. Is there nowhere cheaper?

floridaidea · 06/09/2024 14:19

Not really possible to have a part time job on that course. No way his GF will entertain him being there that much if she's also studying. Suffocating, she won't be able to concentrate.

Nobodywouldknow · 06/09/2024 14:24

Irrelevant but Jesus Christ is that how much student halls are now? Mine were £60 per week back in the day. That’s extortionate and far more than I paid in rent for a large 2 bed flat a few years ago.

Hatty65 · 06/09/2024 14:26

I'd be very tempted to tell him that I was only going to pay 2/7 of the bill if he was only spending two nights a week there.

He's an adult. He needs to grow up a bit, to be honest. He's no longer a child, and I'm stunned that you have actually got a spare £1200 a month to fork out on his rent. There is no way we could do that for any of ours. The least he could do is be gracious about it.

Lizzie67384 · 06/09/2024 14:26

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 13:36

Do you really expect him say to his gf “sorry I’d love to stay at yours but I need to go back to mine so my mum gets her moneys worth. Do you fancy coming with and squashing into my single bed so you sleep terribly before work?”

it’s not his fault the affordable option is a shitter than her place.

I’d at least expect a ‘thank you mum and dad for paying for my accommodation, I really appreciate it’

Most people have to pay for their own accommodation, he’s extremely lucky!

And100 · 06/09/2024 14:27

Student accommodation is hugely expensive. At least he’ll have a great qualification afterwards. “In my day” it was £30 per week!

angellinaballerina7 · 06/09/2024 14:28

I don’t think the financial circumstances around his gf are relevant, it’s not her job to house him.
However, £315 a week is ridiculous. If he wants those halls, he should pay a contribution.

BobbyBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:31

Absolutely batshit he can dictate these decisions when it's your wallet getting opened.

Surely he must discuss the budget limitations with you. Did you agree for him to be in this new hall, sign a guarantee/ tenancy etc? Surely he can't commit to it alone with barely if any income?

If he's there already just say he must quit asap to a cheaper one. If he's nearly always with gf then can't they rent a double room and split the cost?

I hope he's going to pay you back once he's working? Obviously dentistry is very lucrative.

carrotcard · 06/09/2024 14:34

I don't think his girlfriend's circumstances have ANYTHING to do with this so I don't know why you've included them unless you can elaborate?

I'd encourage him to keep is own accommodation in case they split up. I hope they aren't spending so much time with each other they are neglecting their studies/opportunities to meet other people.

Frankly I'd not be paying that much if you can help it he's not appreciative so cut off the apron strings from say christmas and he can pay his own bills

SoYoung · 06/09/2024 14:35

Wow. Absolutely foul attitude. You have to do something, not only because you are quite rightly enraged but also just so he doesn't end up being a total asshole.

carrotcard · 06/09/2024 14:36

BobbyBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:31

Absolutely batshit he can dictate these decisions when it's your wallet getting opened.

Surely he must discuss the budget limitations with you. Did you agree for him to be in this new hall, sign a guarantee/ tenancy etc? Surely he can't commit to it alone with barely if any income?

If he's there already just say he must quit asap to a cheaper one. If he's nearly always with gf then can't they rent a double room and split the cost?

I hope he's going to pay you back once he's working? Obviously dentistry is very lucrative.

Don't encourage him to move in with her. It will be a nightmare when they split up

BIossomtoes · 06/09/2024 14:36

I’m astonished you ever allowed this to happen. It would have been a shared house/flat or nothing if it was me.

Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:36

BobbyBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:31

Absolutely batshit he can dictate these decisions when it's your wallet getting opened.

Surely he must discuss the budget limitations with you. Did you agree for him to be in this new hall, sign a guarantee/ tenancy etc? Surely he can't commit to it alone with barely if any income?

If he's there already just say he must quit asap to a cheaper one. If he's nearly always with gf then can't they rent a double room and split the cost?

I hope he's going to pay you back once he's working? Obviously dentistry is very lucrative.

His girlfriends Accomodation is only covered in the uni halls, if she leaves to live elsewhere she has to cover that herself.

OP posts:
Nobodywouldknow · 06/09/2024 14:38

Find him a room in a house share and tell him to act like a normal human being and stop getting into arguments with people he lives with.