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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

196 replies

Eisie · 06/09/2024 13:23

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

OP posts:
Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:38

carrotcard · 06/09/2024 14:34

I don't think his girlfriend's circumstances have ANYTHING to do with this so I don't know why you've included them unless you can elaborate?

I'd encourage him to keep is own accommodation in case they split up. I hope they aren't spending so much time with each other they are neglecting their studies/opportunities to meet other people.

Frankly I'd not be paying that much if you can help it he's not appreciative so cut off the apron strings from say christmas and he can pay his own bills

It was mentioned as there is no option for them to actually live together. She has to stay in uni halls (well doesn't have to but her scholarship only covers uni halls) and he can't officially move into her halls as he attends a different uni and its single occupancy only even if it was the same uni.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:38

@Eisie @carrotcard ah, yeah maybe that won't work then. But there must be a cheaper accomodation?

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 14:40

CormorantStrikesBack · 06/09/2024 13:29

I’m going to go against the grain and say I think you’re over reacting though he could appear to be more appreciative I guess. Regardless of how many nights he spends at his gf he still needs his own accommodation. I doubt her room is big energy to keep all his stuff in. Plus she could turn round at any point and say she doesn’t want him there. So the halls needs to be paid for regardless of how many nights he spends there.

This. He’s being ungrateful and his attitude stinks, but he still needs his own accommodation.
They could break up, leaving him back in his non-central hall 24/7.
He needs a place for all of his stuff—it won’t all fit in GF’s room.
The contracts say that the rooms are for single occupancy, so they aren’t allowed to share a room anyway.

MrsCarson · 06/09/2024 14:40

Yikes I'd be livid paying that much for it not to be used.
I somehow think his gf won't be expecting him there constantly. How will she get any studying done.

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 14:42

Lizzie67384 · 06/09/2024 14:26

I’d at least expect a ‘thank you mum and dad for paying for my accommodation, I really appreciate it’

Most people have to pay for their own accommodation, he’s extremely lucky!

How is “I don’t need you to buy me anything else” showing him being ungrateful?

ColouringPencils · 06/09/2024 14:42

If he's only using the room 2 nights a week, can you ask him to go back into a house share?
I would be pissed off at his rudeness anyway.

carrotcard · 06/09/2024 14:43

Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:38

It was mentioned as there is no option for them to actually live together. She has to stay in uni halls (well doesn't have to but her scholarship only covers uni halls) and he can't officially move into her halls as he attends a different uni and its single occupancy only even if it was the same uni.

They don't need to live together. He needs to back off. They shouldn't be spending 5 nights out of 7 together.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 14:44

Dentistry degree has much more contact time than say a humanities degree, but if he’s got time to hang out with his girlfriend 5 nights a week he’s got time to get a job. One evening, one weekend day. Then he can cover the difference between the shared house and the halls he chose.

If they are shelling out 2 grand + between them for halls, they’d be better off finding a small flat to share.

Singleandproud · 06/09/2024 14:45

What a bad deal for the gf, no matter how nice your boy is. She's clearly vulnerable, he's moving himself in so a junior cocklodger-in-training, I hope she gets some space to herself to study and relax and he is contributing to her food costs. I bet she finds it hard / impossible to kick him out to get some peace as she doesn't want to upset him.

The cost of uni accomodation is a real concern for me and we've got a fair few years to go yet. He should have chosen a more affordable option or lodged in someones spare room.

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 14:45

There’s probably nothing to be done now anyway…all of the house shares will have been snapped up before the summer break and he will be in a contract with his current hall until the end of the school year.

I8toys · 06/09/2024 14:46

I think he's just being honest. He may be there and he may not be. I was in my boyfriend's flat a lot when I was at uni when we first started going out. He still needs a registered address. Granted somewhere cheaper but this is why I told my kids not to got to uni in mega-expensive places.

JusteanBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:48

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 14:44

Dentistry degree has much more contact time than say a humanities degree, but if he’s got time to hang out with his girlfriend 5 nights a week he’s got time to get a job. One evening, one weekend day. Then he can cover the difference between the shared house and the halls he chose.

If they are shelling out 2 grand + between them for halls, they’d be better off finding a small flat to share.

Having a niece that has just finished dentistry, the studying they do outside of face to face time is also huge. Him and GF could quite easily studying together. She went to a London Uni and having a job was really frowned upon due to the high level of commitments

Xmasbaby11 · 06/09/2024 14:50

Hmm, I get that it stings when you are paying so much, but he needs a place regardless, even if it's only 2 nights a week. It's too late to do anything this year. He may spend less time at the gf's, he may split up with her - there's no way of knowing at the moment.

johnd2 · 06/09/2024 14:50

Going against the general opinion he but you might want to reframe things a bit to stay within what you can control rather than controlling him. It'll be good for your long term relationship and stress levels.
So look at it this way - your job is too make sure he has available somewhere safe and acceptable to stay when he's at uni. And his job is to decide where to stay on any given night.
Won't cost you any more or less, and it preserves everyone's autonomy.
Having said all that it is galling to pay for an empty room, but in my mind it's equivalent to making your kids eat all their dinner just because you made it.

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 14:51

Singleandproud · 06/09/2024 14:45

What a bad deal for the gf, no matter how nice your boy is. She's clearly vulnerable, he's moving himself in so a junior cocklodger-in-training, I hope she gets some space to herself to study and relax and he is contributing to her food costs. I bet she finds it hard / impossible to kick him out to get some peace as she doesn't want to upset him.

The cost of uni accomodation is a real concern for me and we've got a fair few years to go yet. He should have chosen a more affordable option or lodged in someones spare room.

Look at some of universities online…DH and I had a look a few months ago to ensure our savings were on track. One that springs to mind is Warwick Uni, where some of the residence halls cost more than the full annual living loan! So parents/students need to top up the difference, plus add food, bus passes, and all of the other day-to-day living expenses. I always thought that the full living loan would cover all living for the year. Apparently it hasn’t been reviewed in years and hasn’t kept up with real-term cost of living costs.

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 14:51

Nobodywouldknow · 06/09/2024 14:38

Find him a room in a house share and tell him to act like a normal human being and stop getting into arguments with people he lives with.

This was my exact thought.

Peonies12 · 06/09/2024 14:53

Why on earth are you paying for his halls? Surely he can get a loan, and a part time job. Honestly the next generation are going to have no work ethic

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 14:54

Peonies12 · 06/09/2024 14:53

Why on earth are you paying for his halls? Surely he can get a loan, and a part time job. Honestly the next generation are going to have no work ethic

Even if he qualifies for the full loan (which is based on parental income), his halls are more than the entire annual loan.

Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:55

Peonies12 · 06/09/2024 14:53

Why on earth are you paying for his halls? Surely he can get a loan, and a part time job. Honestly the next generation are going to have no work ethic

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 14:55

GS off to uni next week and we were checking his tenancy agreement. He is only allowed to have overnight visitors for a maximum of two nights a week so it is possible she won't be allowed to have his staying for 5 nights, I think when my kids were at uni there was a similar rule. Most halls seem to be flats now and her flat mates might object to having someone there for most of the week.

As to costs, well halls are very expensive and I imagine £300 a week in London isn't particularly high. I think £800 a month including bills is pretty good for London. GS is in a cheap city much further north and it isn't much less where he is from what we've seen.

The attitude is the issue, he needs to appreciate the help he's getting.

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 14:56

Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:55

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

Even if he got the full loan, it doesn’t cover his particular hall costs.

Trumpetoftheswan2 · 06/09/2024 14:59

I think I agree with 'pick your battles'. It's neither his or your fault that London uni accommodation is so expensive. It's the same cost whether he stays there or not, although totally get that you'd feel less invested in him actually living there if you were paying £50 a week!

He needs an address and somewhere to put his stuff. He also needs somewhere to study and have some personal space. It's a shame that it's so expensive, but you'll have to leave him alone to live his life, I'm afraid.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 15:00

JusteanBiscuits · 06/09/2024 14:48

Having a niece that has just finished dentistry, the studying they do outside of face to face time is also huge. Him and GF could quite easily studying together. She went to a London Uni and having a job was really frowned upon due to the high level of commitments

It’s a demanding course for sure. But he maybe needs to accept that he has to organise his studying, hobbies, and socialising in a way that lets him do c. 12 hours of paid employment a week.

When he’s working as a dentist in a few years, he’ll likely be doing at least 40 hours a week, and have to fit in his life around that as we all do. I knew lots of dentists and medics at university - they weren’t doing more than 40 hours between classes and study time. Lots of them had jobs, and boy/girlfriends, and rowing practice or whatever. And went out partying. You have to accept there isn’t much sitting around time in your life on these courses.

Sunshineonararainydayyy · 06/09/2024 15:01

He doesn't get it now (just assumes you will look after him) but he will appreciate it one day @Eisie He's behaving immaturely but when he graduates and has to pay his own way the penny will drop.

One of my siblings dropped out of Uni and allowed one of their friends to move into their room so my parents ended up funding someone else to doss there!

YeahComeOnThen · 06/09/2024 15:02

johnd2 · 06/09/2024 14:50

Going against the general opinion he but you might want to reframe things a bit to stay within what you can control rather than controlling him. It'll be good for your long term relationship and stress levels.
So look at it this way - your job is too make sure he has available somewhere safe and acceptable to stay when he's at uni. And his job is to decide where to stay on any given night.
Won't cost you any more or less, and it preserves everyone's autonomy.
Having said all that it is galling to pay for an empty room, but in my mind it's equivalent to making your kids eat all their dinner just because you made it.

@johnd2

yes & no.

he should have, at the very least, found a cheaper option.

to choose somewhere more expensive then throw it in her face (saying he'll hardly be there) is just utterly obnoxious.

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