DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

[Eisie]

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

What degree did you do?
It makes a huge difference to the ability to get a job and complete your studies.

i think most young adults who go to university should take responsibility. The term helicopter parent comes to mind when I read your comment.

Take responsibility and why? University is a halfway house to adulthood. IMO, it’s an investment and support - we didn’t tell them how to run their lives.

My generation went to university and got a grant. There were no tuition fees. We just had to concentrate on our studies, with a great social life. We didn’t have the standard of accommodation, students have nowadays, but apart from that we had enough money to do whatever we wanted - all we remember is going to the bar every night for a couple of drinks and a takeaway/cheap restaurant and night clubbing at weekends.

We wanted that for our children - we preferred them to get a first and have a great time, without having to worry about money. Then, they could start their careers, without so much debt around their necks.

When we bought this house, the mortgage was less than DH was earning in a year. Its value has gone up 6 times, but salaries haven’t gone up anywhere near as much. DC had to get a much bigger multiple of their salary to buy a much smaller house. They have a lifetime of responsibility ahead of them.

Explain how we’d have any doctors, vets or dentists according to you, because they do full time courses/placements for what 48 weeks of the year for 5 or 6 years? They don’t generally have time for part time work, never mind running a business. However I expect they know more than most about life or death responsibility?

Not where I am, South Devon, where I go there is a waiting list for private treatment and if you want treatment you get the newest dentist, they'd laugh at you if you wanted to pick and choose. When my dentist retired I certainly didn't have my pick of the 7 dentists who work there, I got the new dentist. The chances of getting a NHS dentist are zero and although I don't agree with private medicine I have to pay for private dentistry or go without.

My parents paid my rent at uni. I graduated with a 1st, got a place on a prestigious grad scheme and am now earning a 6 figure salary. I have 3 children and a lovely house. So I’m not sure how me not ‘taking responsibility’ due to my parents paying my rent has hindered me in any way.

Oh and I was also in a position to pay off my mum’s mortgage when she was unable to work due to illness, so it was nice to be able to ‘pay back’ for the help she gave me at uni.

When was that? The costs have risen massively in recent years so unless he's in his early 20s he was in a very different position to today's students.

For those who are concerned with topping it up. His girlfriend who is on full scholarship, gets her rent covered for 52 weeks of the year which is 200 per week plus around 450 a month in living costs. So I'd say that's about 16,000 a year then they also give her booster grant at the start of each year for equipment. Let's say 16,500 a year with that added.
That is how much her uni deems necessary for her to live on!

I'm paying £303 per week for my son's student accommodation in London. (En suite bathroom so it's more expensive). If I was paying over 1200 a month for him not to use it, I'd be quite pissed off as well. I can afford it but I can think of better ways to invest that money

It's expensive to have DC at uni, and frustrating when they act entitled, so I understand your frustration. BUT he could split up with the GF tomorrow, so does need his own permanent place. He's said he doesn't need much, so don't buy him much. That is what I would take from that conversation.

Ask your son whether he will consider DJing? He can earn from £200 or more a night working Friday and Saturday evening/night. It's an easy way of earning money all he has to do is put on music and take requests.

he could get a part time job near his halls, making them more convenient and he cound pay or contribute towards them.

So what will you do if he gets a girlfriend during the year and starts spending lots of time with her? Would you be happier if you found out he was in his room every minute he wasn't in lectures and was severely depressed? I mean at least you'd be getting value for money.

I said before I have no idea how many nights a week/month/year my kids spent in their own accommodation, how many nights they had someone stay over, I think that is a bit much with an adult, you have to let them make decisions.

There are cheaper options than the one the DS has chosen, even in London.

He could live in a shared house or flat, or in a different area from the one he's chosen.

But apparently he doesn't get along well with roommates. There have been 'arguments' in the past.

His flippant attitude to other people's money and his entitlement wrt his girlfriend's digs and property are very likely an indication of what the 'arguments' were about when he lived with roommates. Nobody likes an entitled arse who apparently has no self awareness.

The problem here is his personality - selfish and entitled. Not necessarily the money. I hope the girlfriend will realise she's being used, just as the parents are realising.

I'm not sure I'd have said I was supporting doing a degree in London that you an do perfectly well anywhere else, let alone this.

Tell me you know nothing about how competitive all the flavours of medicine degree are without telling me....

What does "let alone this mean" it sounds like you are disparaging a dentistry degree, is that what you mean? I would have thought having a child qualify as a dentist would be something to be proud of, they have got on to a competitive course, have virtually guaranteed employment.

I was trying to find a way of saying this, and you've said it much( better than I could have.

Where do you think his attitude comes from genetics or upbringing?
My daughter didn't get on with the partying and drug taking in her house either.

Op if the accommodation is too expensive for you speak up but once you've agreed it controlling what he does with it is treating him like a fresh out of school teenager not a 23/24 year old man.

If he gets a girlfriend half way through the year, I would expect him to be responsible enough to understand that his focus is writing his thesis and finishing his degree with the best possible results. I am not saying he should never spend time at the girlfriend's and vice versa, but I am paying for a premium room to allow him to be completely worry free and focus on his degree. A responsible girlfriend would have exactly the same focus. There's a time for everything.

Is he, by any chance, an only child? his kind of attitude is often foiund when a kid has got used to being entles. Scoffing at the accommadation you found for him is quite disgraceful. Sounds like the only way is the harsh way. Nothing stopping him getting a job in any case. Has he already moved into the 300 + place?