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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

196 replies

Eisie · 06/09/2024 13:23

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 21:03

Timetotrimtoenails · 06/09/2024 19:23

I just had a quick look on Rightmove. I've seen posters on other threads mention Crystal Palace as a nice area in London with good transport links to central London

OP's son pays £1,365 pcm (£315pw) for a place in a private halls of residence.

He could get 1 bedroom/studio flat for £1,150pcm in Crystal Palace.

(Tbf another poster pointed out his halls probably include bills. As a student living alone he's exempt from council tax but he'd have energy bills so perhaps it would work out the same cost as his halls). Very expensive living in London.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/151530371

Or if you mean salary of £1,700pcm, loads of people in London are on minimum wage. I read this below a while back too.

https://www.timeout.com/london/news/the-five-lowest-paid-areas-in-the-uk-are-all-in-london-022424

Edited

Gas, electricity, water, internet, insurance. All those are covered in my GSs halls and would add up. Also he has a security/concierge service that you don't usually get in reasonably priced flats. I don't think there is likely to be a cheap option in London.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 21:03

Timetotrimtoenails · 06/09/2024 19:23

I just had a quick look on Rightmove. I've seen posters on other threads mention Crystal Palace as a nice area in London with good transport links to central London

OP's son pays £1,365 pcm (£315pw) for a place in a private halls of residence.

He could get 1 bedroom/studio flat for £1,150pcm in Crystal Palace.

(Tbf another poster pointed out his halls probably include bills. As a student living alone he's exempt from council tax but he'd have energy bills so perhaps it would work out the same cost as his halls). Very expensive living in London.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/151530371

Or if you mean salary of £1,700pcm, loads of people in London are on minimum wage. I read this below a while back too.

https://www.timeout.com/london/news/the-five-lowest-paid-areas-in-the-uk-are-all-in-london-022424

Edited

Gas, electricity, water, internet, insurance. All those are covered in my GSs halls and would add up. Also he has a security/concierge service that you don't usually get in reasonably priced flats. I don't think there is likely to be a cheap option in London.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 21:08

4andup · 06/09/2024 17:59

My daughter is the same but at some point they have to grow and be independent. Work helps to push people out of their comfort zone. The last thing you want is your son coming back to you and saying he's working in the corporate world rather than dentistry. The study is one part after that it's how do I sell myself and get repeat business or will he work for the NHS?

Are any dentists struggling to find business? Where I live there are in great demand and it is almost impossible to get an appointment.

redskydarknight · 06/09/2024 21:32

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 20:55

My dd finished this year and that's what she did. Consider accommodation costs when looking at universities. Depending on what you earn maintenance loan should mostly cover accommodation. I sent dd £150 and she worked earning around £600. So £750 for food, travel, toiletries socialising, etc. Which was plenty.

Minimum maintenance loan is £4700 ish. I don't think that covers accommodation anywhere now. Let alone in 3 years' time. I assume your DD was eligible for more? The threshold for getting more than the mininum is around £60000 parental income, yet parents earning around that amount are unlikely to have much spare cash. It's a huge problem and catches many parents by surprise.

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 21:35

@redskydarknight

My dd got 6k first two years, 5.5k third year. Our income was between 55-65k over those years

Always covered loan

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 21:35

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 21:35

@redskydarknight

My dd got 6k first two years, 5.5k third year. Our income was between 55-65k over those years

Always covered loan

Sorry covered accommodation

BurbageBrook · 06/09/2024 21:39

What difference does it make to you whether he stays at his girlfriend's sometimes though? I don't get it. You've got to pay for halls either way

4andup · 06/09/2024 21:39

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 21:08

Are any dentists struggling to find business? Where I live there are in great demand and it is almost impossible to get an appointment.

They complain about the amount of study that they had to do and the high results they had to achieve and then they are not paid accordingly. They want more money and they don't get paid enough on the NHS. If a dentist decides to go down the private route then you have to sell yourself and give paying customers a reason why they should part with their cash.

BIossomtoes · 06/09/2024 21:41

4andup · 06/09/2024 21:39

They complain about the amount of study that they had to do and the high results they had to achieve and then they are not paid accordingly. They want more money and they don't get paid enough on the NHS. If a dentist decides to go down the private route then you have to sell yourself and give paying customers a reason why they should part with their cash.

You really don’t. NHS dentists are like unicorns. Our private dental practice has just taken on two new dentists because they were having to turn prospective patients away.

redskydarknight · 06/09/2024 21:47

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 21:35

Sorry covered accommodation

So more than minimum? And in three years' time if the loan still hasn't been increased I think you'll be needing towards the top end to be in with any chance of covering accommodation costs (my DD's rent is £7K this year).

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 21:52

my max loan / bursary didn’t quite cover my uni halls 15 years ago in a northern city I’m not surprised it’s got worse!

Beekeepingmum · 06/09/2024 21:54

Also going against the grain here. He is doing a challenging degree that has a high level of certainty of achieving a well paid job. I'd focus on supporting him getting the best qualification then he will need less support post uni. So many seem to have to come home and stay for years these days. He needs to have halls regardless of how many nights he is there.

justasmalltownmum · 06/09/2024 22:06

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 06/09/2024 22:12

justasmalltownmum · 06/09/2024 22:06

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

I’m a person in real life and my parents paid my rent 🤷🏻‍♀️.
It was a while ago but my loan was £3000, fees were £1100 and rent was £4500. My loan covered my fees and living expenses (plus a Saturday job in New Look), and parents paid my rent.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 06/09/2024 22:16

But irrespective of that, the government expect that parents earning over a certain amount contribute. That’s why those people get a lower loan amount.

jannier · 06/09/2024 22:28

Students don't stay in their rooms if they have partners, you wouldn't even know about it if they were in the same halls but you would still be paying for it. London halls/accomodation is expensive was this not a consideration when he picked to go there?

jannier · 06/09/2024 22:30

carrotcard · 06/09/2024 14:43

They don't need to live together. He needs to back off. They shouldn't be spending 5 nights out of 7 together.

Why he's going into year 4 a year late so 22/23 some are having families at that age? She hasn't said he's failing and he must have passed year 3.

jannier · 06/09/2024 22:38

People saying find him a cheap room don't seem to realise how much a room is in central London a cheap room in Brentford is around £800 then add the price of commute.

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 06/09/2024 22:49

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

No. We and everyone we know paid for our DC’s accommodation costs at university. One of our friends paid all their DCs’ costs, so they left university with no student debt at all.

We also paid the tuition fees for DC’s MA.

4andup · 06/09/2024 23:19

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 06/09/2024 22:49

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

No. We and everyone we know paid for our DC’s accommodation costs at university. One of our friends paid all their DCs’ costs, so they left university with no student debt at all.

We also paid the tuition fees for DC’s MA.

Well my partner paid for his own tuition fees and accomodation out of his own pocket and he went to Kings College London. He was very independent he ran his own business and did DJing. I think most young adults who go to university should take responsibility. The term helicopter parent comes to mind when I read your comment.

MellersSmellers · 06/09/2024 23:31

CormorantStrikesBack · 06/09/2024 13:29

I’m going to go against the grain and say I think you’re over reacting though he could appear to be more appreciative I guess. Regardless of how many nights he spends at his gf he still needs his own accommodation. I doubt her room is big energy to keep all his stuff in. Plus she could turn round at any point and say she doesn’t want him there. So the halls needs to be paid for regardless of how many nights he spends there.

Yes, kind of agree with this one. You had no choice but to pay for his halls. As someone said, she probably isn't permitted to have overnight guests in her room let alone a near permanent arrangement, so as soon as she's found out he'll be out.
It probably would have happened anyway, you just wouldn't have known about it!
But Yes, I'd be really annoyed too. And wishing I'd found a cheap dive of a place for him.

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 23:40

justasmalltownmum · 06/09/2024 22:06

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

The loan received depends on parental income. The government expectation, when a student doesn’t receive the full loan, is that the parent tops up the difference.

Bayern · 07/09/2024 00:08

justasmalltownmum · 06/09/2024 22:06

Is this a Mumsnet thing? I don't know a single person in real life who had their parents pay for uni.

I am a person in real life who is about to pay my son's tuition fees and accommodation in full. Because a) I don't want to bet against him by assuming he will never earn enough to repay it and b) I can afford it.

Ghilliegums · 07/09/2024 06:26

Bayern · 07/09/2024 00:08

I am a person in real life who is about to pay my son's tuition fees and accommodation in full. Because a) I don't want to bet against him by assuming he will never earn enough to repay it and b) I can afford it.

Yeah I know loads of people who have done it. 18k a year seems cheap after private school fees.

Poppins21 · 07/09/2024 07:10

shellyleppard · 06/09/2024 13:25

You are not being unreasonable and your son is very very selfish!!! If he wants good accommodation he should help pay for it!!!! Cheeky bugger!!

This exactly. I worked through Uni, at some points 3 part time jobs and saw entitled arses like him all the time.

I will help my daughter with Uni but not to the extent she should not have to get a part time job and take responsibility for her own successes.