DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

[Eisie]

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

Of course yabu. Gf may not want him there that much, they may break up. He needs accommodation so he can finish his degree, you agreed to pay money for what he chose why does he have to bow down with gratitude, you're doing what a parent in your financial situation should be doing for their dc.

That's ridiculous, OP. My neighbours who rent pay £800 each for a two-bed flat in a really nice area of London. I'd have him back in a house share sharpish.

He can't just live for free in someone else's accommodation! His girlfriend's flatmates and accommodation provider are not going to be happy about that.

@Singleandproud

I agree - and I think someone needs to have a frank chat with the GF, which should include a realistic assessment of the character of her boyfriend.

If some young man had intentions like this wrt any of my DDs, I would be furious.

This comment paints you as more ‘unpleasant’ imo, what an overreaction

This isn't only aimed at your comment but it's interesting how many wild assumptions people are happy to make on this forum with very little information to go on. You've devised an entire curriculum of lessons for this kid based on one sentence.

OP's also expanded on why a house share didn't work and, having been in that situation myself after a decade of flat-shares, I completely understand.

Suggest he is back in a house share if he’s only there 2 nights a week. But it sounds like a serious relationship that they would be living together if her finances allowed at their age. You can’t tell him he can’t stay at his girlfriends and has to sleep there, that’s bonkers. But suggest to him a hotel for a few nights or flat share if he’s there 5nights a week

I shocked at how expensive his halls are!

I know London is expensive and I also understand if he struggles with shared accommodation. Although I enjoyed housesharing when younger and maybe he just needs to find the right fit of people to share with as it varies.

However if he really can't cope with sharing he could rent a studio or one bed flat in a decent part of London for less than he's paying for his private halls. Is he tied into a long contract? Is there any way he can get out of it?

I think he could have been more discreet and tactful about this...

But the bottom line is, he does have to have somewhere to live and deciding you're not funding his accomodation last minute because you don't like his attitude or what he is doing isn't really fair, given he hasn't much scope to alter things now (unless you're happy with him throwing away all he has worked for to this point of course, maybe you are).

He can't live with her officially, she may not want that even if he could and if they split up... he'd be homeless.

I'd have a serious talk with him about attitude, being grateful for the support he has got and not taking the piss... but ultimately you're annoyed you are paying for something he is not using. You'd still be annoyed if you were paying for a house share he wasn't sleeping at too!

In all honesty his mistake was being honest with you!

If his social skills were better/ he was less naive/ he was more worldly/ more cynical (pick the option that fits but its probably a mixture) he would have just not told you that he planned to use his accommodation only when his girlfriend needed breathing space!

It's the "ingratitude" that's rankling of course because that's an awful lot of money

BUT as you said yourself, it's not his fault that your income is too high to allow him to get the full loan!

I'm the parent of a 19 year old but was also somewhat in your son's position 30+ years ago (the time of means tested maintenance grants - my parents earnings meant my grant was 0. I lived with two friends on full grants, both of who's parents gave them ad hoc cash/ supermarket shops/ paid ad hoc expenses but didn't have to contribute officially because of the full grant).

My parents expected rather unending gratitude , including acts of gratitude such as returning to their home to pet sit or help them with commitments they'd volunteered for during term time or at times I was meant to be working, in return for topping up 0 to exactly the grant amount with very strictly not a penny more in any circumstances "to teach [me] the value of money". My friends were actually better off and their parents didn't expect performative or explicit gratitude because they didn't feel they were contributing much/ it was freely given because it wasn't an obligation.

I completely understand why you expect your son to be grateful because of the eye watering sums. Simultaneously you and I both know that it's not that simple because you are, to be blunt and with no bad intentions, the reason he can't pay for his accommodation from his student loan.

I worked all my holidays in my university city and stopped thinking of my parents' house as home. I also stopped telling them if I spent money on something like a holiday (I lived very cheaply indeed on pasta and tomato sauce or jacket potatoes mostly) because of the comments about ingratitude and spending their money (which only covered accommodation and my earnings paid for everything else) so they occasionally didn't know I was out of the country.

I don't think you're going to anything like the extreme my parents (who also went to university and both had non means tested full grants, for context) did but it made me resolve to pay for only what I could afford and never, ever tell my children to be grateful. Despite or because of this ironically I have very polite appreciative and grateful adult and teen children!

I'd be surprised if his GF wanted him here every night. I had a BF at uni who constantly invited himself over or would turn up uninvited. We ended up splitting because the whole thing was too suffocating!

Agreed. @mathanxiety's comments throughout this discussion are absolutely vile to be honest.

You are both missing the point.

OP isn't annoyed that she's paying for his accommodation and he's not using it. It's that HE chose this specific, very expensive accommodation, at their expense, and then isn't even using it.

OP has not said he shouldn't have any accomodation.

I'd be cheaper for him to work with bookings a few months in advance and stay in a premier inn 2 nights a week

Because it is expected that parents contribute if they have the income to do so. Loans are means tested, based on parent's income. That’s just the way the system works.

OP said he gets the minimum loan, which is £6600/year in London. And the reason he gets this is based on her income, with the government expecting parents to make up the shortfall
Yes, sorry, what I meant was if he gets £6600, and the maximum loan is £13500, then surely the government is expecting parent so make up the shortfall of £6900. It's not fair to be asking parents to fund over £12 grand in accommodation fees. If I was the OP, I'd offer him the shortfall in loan, plus perhaps a bit extra if I could afford it, and then he could fund anything else himself - just as many, many students have to do.

The mistake you made was to not set a limit on accommodation costs - “We will contribute £200 a week to whatever accommodation you choose”
That would have focussed his mind on things!

I don’t get this. When I was at uni I paid my own rent. I worked and had a loan. I’m slightly shitting myself (DS is 15) why are we paying our kids rent now? Is this usual? Genuine question.

Loans haven't increased in years. So arguably parents should top up to an inflation adjusted value anyway.

That's not the point anyway. OP has agreed to pay for her DS's accommodation. She could have told him it was too expensive, she could have said she'd only pay for part of the cost.

She didn't. She can't now, when it's really too late for DS to do anything about it, to decide that as he's not going to sleep there every night that she's going to change her mind. The time to do this was when he was looking for somewhere to live.

Does he work at all in the holidays or one night a week?

I'd be asking him to contribute 30% to his rent. And if he not going to use it much just get a room in a private shared house out in zone 6 that he can use when he needs to or if they break up.

Yes.
Parents who can afford it are paying their DC's rent.

The threshold to get more than a minimum loan is not that high. Just working and having a minimum loan won't cover basic student expenses in a lot of places.

Poor girlfriend. I hope she finds her own boundaries and says no to the cocklodger.

No further comment as to the son.

I think you’re overreacting a bit - he probably auto assumed he needed a room same as you did.

But anyway you could give him a smaller budget for next term and tell him to move?

He does sound like he isn’t aware of your financial constraints, so that’ll also make them clear to him.

Why? If she’s ok with it it’s not really any of your business

Because the minimum loan nowhere near covers rent. Parents are expected to make up the shortfall if they earn over a certain amount. A student would have to work a lot of hours to make up that shortfall themselves through working.