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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

196 replies

Eisie · 06/09/2024 13:23

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 17:08

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 17:06

Only on mumsnet could a boyfriend wanting to spend.time with his equally keen girlfriend be called a 'cocklodger'

Makes you wonder doesn't it. I mean I'm in my 70s and remember what it is like to be young, in love and wanting to be with my boyfriend as much as possible. Maybe some people have short memories or they were never young and in love.

MounjaroUser · 06/09/2024 17:09

I would be very annoyed, too, OP. You're paying a huge amount of money for somewhere he's hardly going to use.

I don't think it's fair on his girlfriend, either, that your son is there so much of the time. She needs to build her own life and friendships, and frankly she'll need the space to herself so that she can work and have some downtime alone.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 17:10

I've got 4 kids, all been to university. I have no idea how many nights they spent with their current boyfriend/girlfriend in their own room or in theirs. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 17:11

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 17:08

Makes you wonder doesn't it. I mean I'm in my 70s and remember what it is like to be young, in love and wanting to be with my boyfriend as much as possible. Maybe some people have short memories or they were never young and in love.

Quite.

divinededacende · 06/09/2024 17:15

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 17:01

How have you worked that out? For all you know he's buying all her food and she's got free rent and you know she might actually like her boyfriend being around because that really isn't unusual when you are young and inlove.

This. When I was in my 20's whether it was relationships, friends or dating, you hung out wherever someone had the best space. Before I got older and had control over my own space.

Dweetfidilove · 06/09/2024 17:18

His attitude could be better, but he still needs his own accommodation, regardless of how many nights he's at the girlfriend.

mondaytosunday · 06/09/2024 17:22

I'm surprised he'll be allowed to stay in her uni halls like that. Isn't there a limit to how many times a week you can have an overnight guest? And if I was one of her flatmates I'd resent it for sure.
But not a lot you can do about where he stays, but he could be a bit more gracious about your generosity.

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 17:25

Like a PP, I have absolutely no idea how many nights dd stayed in her expensive halls at uni. Her boyfriend was on a different campus.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 06/09/2024 17:29

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 17:25

Like a PP, I have absolutely no idea how many nights dd stayed in her expensive halls at uni. Her boyfriend was on a different campus.

I never told my parents how many nights I did/didn’t spend in my halls, and they didn’t ask! I had a housemate in second year who I think stayed at our house about 1 night a month. The rest of the time she stayed with her boyfriend.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 06/09/2024 17:31

I look back embarrassed to say I was also this kid and didn't appreciate money until I was older. I had no concept of money and will make sure my future kids have some appreciation of money

I'd imagine he will look back embarrassed and grateful to you but it may be a immature part of him that doesn't appreciate the expense. A bit of a kick up the bum could be good for him!

Mustreadabook · 06/09/2024 17:37

I think that the halls sounds like the best possible option to give him the most support on his course, and it's great that you are able to pay for them. Sounds like he is a little young for his age and not fully appreciating it, but it would be crazy for him to try and live full time with a girlfriend in one room while both studying one of the hardest courses, with no fall back if they fall out. I can also see why sharing with people he doesn't really know would be unpleasant, so perhaps he will find some more friends that are doing longer courses during this year to share with. He'll appreciate all your support one day!

Boomer55 · 06/09/2024 17:47

Uni accommodation is very expensive. But, if he’s not going to be there much, wouldn’t being a lodger or returning to halls work better?

Tangled123 · 06/09/2024 17:48

The unreasonable people here are the ones who think £315 per week is an acceptable price for accommodation! Son’s view is clearly limited by lack of experience and being unaware of the value of money but hopefully he’ll wise up in time. In context, my share of my mortgage payment per month is less than his weekly payment and that’s for a 3 bed semi detached house. If son was working FT, he’d only be earning £1700 ish per month.

Iwasafool · 06/09/2024 17:53

Tangled123 · 06/09/2024 17:48

The unreasonable people here are the ones who think £315 per week is an acceptable price for accommodation! Son’s view is clearly limited by lack of experience and being unaware of the value of money but hopefully he’ll wise up in time. In context, my share of my mortgage payment per month is less than his weekly payment and that’s for a 3 bed semi detached house. If son was working FT, he’d only be earning £1700 ish per month.

I've just had a look and the cheapest halls I saw in London were £293 a week, dearest were over £600 for a studio. London is expensive.

4andup · 06/09/2024 17:59

Eisie · 06/09/2024 15:12

Just to say, it wasn't that he was being horrible and causing arguments.
DS is extremely introverted, he isn't anxious he just has no interest in parties/drugs/casual sex. All of which happened a lot in his flat share. His girlfriend is similar though somewhat more social (on a sports team and works). It's not that he can't live with other people it's the environment that created wasn't one he thrived in.

My daughter is the same but at some point they have to grow and be independent. Work helps to push people out of their comfort zone. The last thing you want is your son coming back to you and saying he's working in the corporate world rather than dentistry. The study is one part after that it's how do I sell myself and get repeat business or will he work for the NHS?

samedifferent · 06/09/2024 18:08

Ghilliegums · 06/09/2024 17:06

Only on mumsnet could a boyfriend wanting to spend.time with his equally keen girlfriend be called a 'cocklodger'

I also agree with this.
Now DH and I spent most of our time together at Uni once we got together.
We have calmed down over the years but it is all very intense at the start, nothing to do with sponging of your partner.

redskydarknight · 06/09/2024 18:27

TheBunyip · 06/09/2024 16:11

My loan didn’t cover basic accommodation. So I worked a few evenings and one weekend day and all through the holidays. Most people did.

This change has completely missed me. DS will be needing to adopt my model if he wants to go to uni. There’s no way on earth I can give him hundreds of pounds a month.

sorry realise I’m derailing. I was just taken aback by this news

Edited

Then your DS will have to go to a local university or take a gap year to save up first.

Having a basic loan (unless the government radically increases what is available) and working to a level that doesn't adversely affect his course will probably just about cover the cost of accommodation (factoring in price rises) by the time your DS gets there.

And I'm guessing he might want to eat oaccasionally or have transport or laundry costs or even want to buy a book?

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 18:59

Tangled123 · 06/09/2024 17:48

The unreasonable people here are the ones who think £315 per week is an acceptable price for accommodation! Son’s view is clearly limited by lack of experience and being unaware of the value of money but hopefully he’ll wise up in time. In context, my share of my mortgage payment per month is less than his weekly payment and that’s for a 3 bed semi detached house. If son was working FT, he’d only be earning £1700 ish per month.

In London?

Timetotrimtoenails · 06/09/2024 19:23

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 18:59

In London?

I just had a quick look on Rightmove. I've seen posters on other threads mention Crystal Palace as a nice area in London with good transport links to central London

OP's son pays £1,365 pcm (£315pw) for a place in a private halls of residence.

He could get 1 bedroom/studio flat for £1,150pcm in Crystal Palace.

(Tbf another poster pointed out his halls probably include bills. As a student living alone he's exempt from council tax but he'd have energy bills so perhaps it would work out the same cost as his halls). Very expensive living in London.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/151530371

Or if you mean salary of £1,700pcm, loads of people in London are on minimum wage. I read this below a while back too.

https://www.timeout.com/london/news/the-five-lowest-paid-areas-in-the-uk-are-all-in-london-022424

The five lowest paid areas in the UK are all in London

It doesn't always pay to live in the capital

https://www.timeout.com/london/news/the-five-lowest-paid-areas-in-the-uk-are-all-in-london-022424

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 20:31

@Timetotrimtoenails So for all the hassle of finding a studio he might save a whopping £100 per month? have you tried renting in London recently? A lot of places go for more than advertised

wellington77 · 06/09/2024 20:49

I’m really confused for why they are so expensive, is it London? My brother lives in a house share in Limehouse next to water and his rent is cheaper! I went to uni up north 15 years ago , my rent was 60 quid a week!

Timetotrimtoenails · 06/09/2024 20:50

@aodirjjd You're right I've realised.

I'm shocked at how horrifically expensive London is. I knew it was bad but wow £315pw for a student halls of residence!

I didn't realise rentals there went above advertised cost. That's really really awful. No wonder London has more homeless people than anywhere else in the UK especially given that article I posted about low wages for many there.

Something needs to be done because it's going to exclude lots of students from affording London (this thread has made me really hope my DC won't want to study there when they're older!). Also socially cleansing Londoners away from their families and jobs is not ok.

Sorry @EisieI guess my suggestions need to be ignored.

FuzzyDiva · 06/09/2024 20:54

With an attitude like his, I can’t see his girlfriend wanting to stay with him for long so he will probably be needing all seven nights in his accommodation soon.

imforeverblowingbuttons · 06/09/2024 20:55

TheBunyip · 06/09/2024 15:56

I don’t get this. When I was at uni I paid my own rent. I worked and had a loan. I’m slightly shitting myself (DS is 15) why are we paying our kids rent now? Is this usual? Genuine question.

My dd finished this year and that's what she did. Consider accommodation costs when looking at universities. Depending on what you earn maintenance loan should mostly cover accommodation. I sent dd £150 and she worked earning around £600. So £750 for food, travel, toiletries socialising, etc. Which was plenty.

Guavafish1 · 06/09/2024 21:00

I think you should look for cheap accommodation especially as he spends most of his time at gf halls