DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

[Eisie]

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

the his. it is frustrating for sure, but he needs his place and it doesn’t seem that there are a lot of other options.

Have you already signed anything to pay for these halls? If so then you're tied in, and tbh there's no way of knowing where your son will be every night - he could nod and say yes mum I'm at mine and then still be with his girlfriend, you can hardly stop him at this age!

However for next year I would just say you are prepared to pay whatever the cheapest option is- either the cheapest halls available or the average price of a shared room. Then it's up to him to decide and organise where he lives.he will be 25 by then, more than old enough to sort his own budgeting! Uo to him whether he lives somewhere cheaper further out, lives with housemates or wants somewhere on his own and funds the difference himself.

My loan didn’t cover basic accommodation. So I worked a few evenings and one weekend day and all through the holidays. Most people did.

This change has completely missed me. DS will be needing to adopt my model if he wants to go to uni. There’s no way on earth I can give him hundreds of pounds a month.

sorry realise I’m derailing. I was just taken aback by this news

wouldnt a travelodge be cheaper for 2 nights a week or an air bnb or something?

YANBU

I would never dream of shrugging something like that off and not being grateful

My gosh!

No answer to your conundrum other than what others have input. But...

I remember my accomodation was £46 a week when I was at uni. That was admittedly just a furnished room in a house share, not purpose built like it is now. But still! That's more than 6x more! I don't think wages/inflation have gone up 6x in that period.
Not looking forward to what the cost will be in another 18ish years when (if) my little one goes.

Rents have shot through the roof, student loans have stagnated and part time student jobs are now hard to come by.

Many Universities work with private companies to provide student halls. DC2 is at Royal Veterinary College and was paying £263/week rent to a company called Unite Students . Not only that, it had to by paid all through the summer, bar 2 weeks, so that came to £13K. (Student loan was £9K). DC1 went to another London uni that owned their own halls and paid vastly less per week and didn't have to pay through the summer, but it was still something line £6k.

DC1 had no time for a job in term time. The studying was absolutely vast in quantity and very intense. Got a 1st though!

DC2 has managed to find term time work ans managed to do 1 day a week in year 1, and then went back to their gap year job for the summer. Many of DC2's friends have tried and failed to get term time work.

It's tough out there.

Save what you can when your DCs are still children. The Ciricumstances vary a lot from
University to university and course to course.

That's what happens in all university accommodation though, including in the expensive private halls! So tell us again why he couldn't have gone for a cheaper option? There must be other dentistry students going into their 4th years, or the student union can help him find other options. Honestly if he isn't going to be working (due to preference OR course demands - and I'd argue that he definitely could find 8 hours a week to work without affecting course work) AND given that he's not likely to spend much time there I'd be jolly well telling him to find a cheaper digs. There is probably a couple somewhere in the town/city that has a spare room to let to a lodger who would jump at the chance of a non-drinking non-partying, will be at his girlfriend's place a lot, lodger for much less.

She probably needs to be careful as that wasn’t allowed when I was at uni. A friend when I was at uni was reported for it and actually dropped out very quickly after.

I'm inclined to agree with this.
I don't think what he is trying to do is particularly unusual, there may well be rules against it at her halls but that is for them to work out.

I'll be paying DD's accommodation costs - admittedly she's very conveniently chosen one of the cheapest universities in the UK! Her uni house will be five people sharing two bathrooms and one kitchen for £5000 per year.

There was a more expensive hall option but she rather sweetly said she would feel guilty at me paying an extra £2000 - I've promised that I will remember that when it comes to discussing future financial aid.

To be honest I feel that we as a society have created a society where young people are treated like crap - tuition fees, housing costs, Brexit, the environment - so I'm happy to share some of the wealth that my generation was allowed to acquire but they aren't.

My parents paid for my uni accommodation as they earned too much for me to get a bigger loan.

When I was with my bf we spent all our nights together. No one ever suggested this was a waste of our hall fees.

Your room is more than where you sleep- you need space for your clothes, stuff and to study/relax.

Sharing one uni hall sized room is very stressful.

It has been expected for years that most parents will top up the student loan to enable their dc to go to university.
It is why as parents you have to complete paperwork outlining your income.

I also worked at uni, to top up my rent. The situation is entirely incomparable to today, though, when rent can be over £1000 per month.
It is expected by the government that parents will contribute to their child’s expenses if they earn over a certain amount. If you have a low income and can’t afford it, they will get the maximum loan and parents aren’t expected to contribute.
I have 3 children under 11 and we are already financially planning for university as I know our children will only get the minimum loan (bar a massive change in circumstances).

I'm having the same reaction to be honest. Mine was £60 per week, granted it was the smallest room (by my choice) possible. My parents couldn't contribute at all and I worked 2 days a week throughout my degree. I somehow didn't need to pay my tuition fees (which were titchy compared to now anyway) and my loan paid my accommodation, I was pretty minted!😅I can distinctly remember friends whose parents were on paper better off than me but who couldn't afford to contribute to their uni costs having it a lot worse than I did. We'd all be royally screwed at today's prices!

Well what you agreed to pay for accommodation is on you. I'm assuming you earn enough that his maintenance loan wouldn't cover it. What do you expect him to do.

He can't officially live in his gf hall
If they did live together and broke up he would be screwed.

He needs a base your paying for a base.

My children paid for the accommodation with their maintenance loan, we deliberately picked cheaper accommodation, neither paid more than 5k a year and the maintenance loan covered it. We sent £150 a month and did a couple big shops. And then they got a job and funded their lifestyle.

For those asking about work, DS did work in first year but since then he's felt the workload too much so stopped. We always agreed to cover Accomodation, what he gets in loans covers everything else and if he wants more he works.
I didn't mind paying the more expensive accommodation when it was presented as house shares impact his mental health etc. but now knowing he's hardly bloody there it does piss me off!

I'm sure there are rules about how often people can stay at his gfs but DS responded basically with "no one's complained yet and if someone does they give a warning and then we'd stop".

It's more the getting expensive Accomodation to meet his needs for him to not use it that bothers me.

@Eisie I understand shared accommodation can be very difficult for some people. I think he and you are being ripped off though by the private halls. I know London is horrifically expensive but he could rent a studio or 1 bedroom flat in an ok area of London for less than he's paying for those halls. I don't know if it's too late to get him out of the contract but if it's possible I'd try to find him his own rental flat.

(As private landlords don't always want students, although if you're willing to be his guarantor it could be fine, don't break his hall contract unless you've checked out other options first).

Lol. What I pay for is my business.

While not ideal if he is in a relationship it's not that surprising that he wants to spend time and sleep with his partner. The fact she has a more convenient location and has a double bed means they are more likely to stay at hers. It doesn't make him either controlling or a cocklodger.

I can see it's annoying and expensive. University costs have gone through the roof. He could have been slightly more tactful but maybe he doesn't realise this is a financial strain for you.

I expect he'll use his room more than he thinks as he will have quite a lot of studying for exams to do in the evenings.

It's hard to demand gratefulness as he doesn't have that many choices I suspect.

Would that include all his bills? I'm surprised as I thought London rents were very high and that is more like rents where I live.

Did he choose the accommodation himself?

How have you worked that out? For all you know he's buying all her food and she's got free rent and you know she might actually like her boyfriend being around because that really isn't unusual when you are young and inlove.

This ^

Only on mumsnet could a boyfriend wanting to spend.time with his equally keen girlfriend be called a 'cocklodger'