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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS's attitude when we are paying for his Accomodation

196 replies

Eisie · 06/09/2024 13:23

My DS is 23, he's going into his 4th year of uni. He was extremely ill between 17 and 18 so sat his A-levels late and started uni late. He's studying dentistry so it's 5 year course. He goes to uni in London.
His first year he was in the unis own halls. It was already expensive at £240 a week but we made it work.
Last year and the year before he was in a house share and it was £800p/m with bills so expensive but manageable. He hated it though, he's not massively social and had loads of arguments. The people he was sharing with were all on 3 year courses so he needed something different this year anyway. So this year he's gone for private halls at a £315 per week! We pay his accomodation.
The halls aren't super central or the nicest or most spacious but it's bloody expensive!

On the flip, his girlfriend goes to a different uni, she's on full scholarship, she worked hard for it and it's down to her circumstances too which are heart breaking. With that her uni pays her Accomodation and gives her a room in uni halls for the full year. Her halls are very central and in a great location, but aren't modern at all. Do have a small double bed though.

Today I was asking DS what he needs to get for halls, he sort of shrugged and said not much. I asked what he meant and he said "I'll spend most nights at gfs. Her halls are better". I said if we are paying as much as we are for halls he better be bloody staying in them and he shrugged and said I will when she's at work. So 2 nights a week?! I told him that his attitude stinks and he should be more grateful and he said yeah but come on they aren't central at all it's not convenient.

AIBU to say if that's his attitude he can pay for it himself or find somewhere else?!
I'm raging at his attitude!

OP posts:
Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 06/09/2024 15:03

He sounds rude.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2024 15:04

I can see from your OP why this young man had lots of arguments with his former roommates.

They probably saw him for what he is - a selfish, entitled, and very unpleasant individual.

You need to get in touch with his girlfriend and warn her that he is using her.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2024 15:05

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 14:42

How is “I don’t need you to buy me anything else” showing him being ungrateful?

The reason he doesn't need anything is that he's planning g to sponge off the girlfriend, cocklodger style.

JusteanBiscuits · 06/09/2024 15:05

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 15:00

It’s a demanding course for sure. But he maybe needs to accept that he has to organise his studying, hobbies, and socialising in a way that lets him do c. 12 hours of paid employment a week.

When he’s working as a dentist in a few years, he’ll likely be doing at least 40 hours a week, and have to fit in his life around that as we all do. I knew lots of dentists and medics at university - they weren’t doing more than 40 hours between classes and study time. Lots of them had jobs, and boy/girlfriends, and rowing practice or whatever. And went out partying. You have to accept there isn’t much sitting around time in your life on these courses.

Edited

Don't they start doing placements at Dentists in the 4th year? So he could be sent any where.

And niece is doing 30 hours a week as qualified dentist now! Dentists are in such demand they can basically call their own shots. The dream!

takealettermsjones · 06/09/2024 15:06

He could book into YHA by the night for less than that

redskydarknight · 06/09/2024 15:07

I'm not sure I really understand your point tbh.

You know that, as a parent you are expected to support him financially.
You know London is expensive (and presumably agreed you would finance him studying there).
You know how expensive his accommodation is (and presumably agreed to finance it).

You can't now kick up a fuss because he's not using the accommodation in the way you see fit. Chances are his girlfriend won't want him at her house all the time anyway, or they may split up, and he'll still want his own space at least sometimes.

divinededacende · 06/09/2024 15:07

I'm going to say you're being unreasonable here. You're being very generous but, cost aside, you've agreed to cover the accommodation but he's free to use it however he likes. I get why you feel like that and he could show more gratitude but, at the end of the day, he's at university, he's studying and having life experiences. You're paying to make sure he has a roof over his head and a safe space to go back to when he needs it. Other than that, it's not really your business how much time he spends there. As long as he's achieving what he needs to achieve while he's there. You can't say "we pay for this so you better spend all your spare time there".

I also understand why a flat-share might not work for someone who's introverted and not very social. A group of late teens/early twenty-somethings sharing a house can be chaos with random people coming and going and socialising on different schedules.

Also, who knows what happens with his relationship in the future. They might break-up or she might decide she doesn't want him hanging around most nights.

Eisie · 06/09/2024 15:12

Just to say, it wasn't that he was being horrible and causing arguments.
DS is extremely introverted, he isn't anxious he just has no interest in parties/drugs/casual sex. All of which happened a lot in his flat share. His girlfriend is similar though somewhat more social (on a sports team and works). It's not that he can't live with other people it's the environment that created wasn't one he thrived in.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 06/09/2024 15:12

I'd be worried for the gf. You say she's on a scholarship and that it's because her circumstances are heartbreaking. I doubt if her halls allow someone else to practically live there so he could be putting her scholarship at risk.

I'd be looking at her hall's guest policies and asking him if he would be comfortable knowing that he may put her uni place in jeopardy.

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 15:15

mathanxiety · 06/09/2024 15:05

The reason he doesn't need anything is that he's planning g to sponge off the girlfriend, cocklodger style.

So to show gratitude he should let his mum waste her money on things he won’t use?

user1471538283 · 06/09/2024 15:15

You stop paying it and he gets a part time job. He sounds rude and entitled.

Inkyblue123 · 06/09/2024 15:16

He is very spoilt and has a shitty attitude. Make him contribute 20% , he’ll need to get a job, same as his girlfriend. By all accounts she sounds very sensible and won’t put up with his shit for too LONG, won’t be long before he us back 5 nights a week I. His own bed

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 06/09/2024 15:17

Do you have other children Op?

mn29 · 06/09/2024 15:17

Make him pay for his own accommodation (or 50%) if he wants the expensive option. Most students don’t have parents paying their full accommodation costs for them. If the money’s coming out of his own pocket he might be a bit more sensible about his accommodation/spending choices, and a bit more grateful for the help you give him.

MeridianB · 06/09/2024 15:20

Nobodywouldknow · 06/09/2024 14:38

Find him a room in a house share and tell him to act like a normal human being and stop getting into arguments with people he lives with.

This. He can't just decide what to spend.

Is he doing well on his course? No chance that he will suddenly tell you that he's failing because he doesn't get on with the tutor or something?

budgiegirl · 06/09/2024 15:20

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

No, but the maximum loan for students in London is around £13500, so surely you're not really expected to top up beyond that? It's your choice to, rather than a necessity?

I'd set him a limit as to how much you'll spend on accommodation. If he wants to spend more than that, then he'll have to fund it himself. But how he then uses his accommodation is surely up to him?

Grmumpy · 06/09/2024 15:22

I think you are being unreasonable. Yes, it’s very annoying but not his fault. When my son was at uni we paid for one full year when he went abroad on Erasmus for six months and we had to pay for accommodation for that too since the on campus Erasmus accommodation was horrible. These years will pass

4andup · 06/09/2024 15:23

Eisie · 06/09/2024 14:55

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

That's why he shrugs his shoulders mummy will pay for it. Why does he need to be independent.

Bayern · 06/09/2024 15:23

Peonies12 · 06/09/2024 14:53

Why on earth are you paying for his halls? Surely he can get a loan, and a part time job. Honestly the next generation are going to have no work ethic

Really?
The previous generation (mine) didn't have to pay tuition fees and there were student grants available so people didn't have to rack up loans. I did a degree similar to dentistry, none of us had part time jobs because we were in lectures/tutorials/practicals from 8-5 most days, with some overnights in the final year. Evenings and weekends were for study and catching up on sleep.

To suggest that a young man who is studying dentistry has no work ethic is quite frankly, laughable.

WildCats24 · 06/09/2024 15:23

budgiegirl · 06/09/2024 15:20

It's actually expected that we top up his costs. The loan is means tested and our annual income means he's entitled to the minimum amount - that's not his fault!

No, but the maximum loan for students in London is around £13500, so surely you're not really expected to top up beyond that? It's your choice to, rather than a necessity?

I'd set him a limit as to how much you'll spend on accommodation. If he wants to spend more than that, then he'll have to fund it himself. But how he then uses his accommodation is surely up to him?

OP said he gets the minimum loan, which is £6600/year in London. And the reason he gets this is based on her income, with the government expecting parents to make up the shortfall.

Bringbackspring · 06/09/2024 15:26

I'd be annoyed with that attitude, yes.

Horrified to see how much halls cost now though, I can't bear to think about it. My parents didn't need to contribute at all when I went to Uni in 2001, student loan covered it and then some.

Wheresthebeach · 06/09/2024 15:27

I get that the attitude is irritating but its unlikely to work out that he's at his girlfriends that often - who knows how things are going to pan out. Trying to sort different accommodation now is a nightmare but time for a discussion about value/money etc.

MikeRafone · 06/09/2024 15:31

cancel the halls and pay for premier inn 2 nights a week - it'll be cheaper

Precipice · 06/09/2024 15:31

What "attitude" are you talking about? Him saying he doesn't need much because he'll be at girlfriend's most of the time? That's not a good approach, but it's not a good approach because of the effect on the girlfriend, not on you. Whether he's in his room all of the hours he's not in classes or just some of it is immaterial - he has the same need for a place to stay. But even if he wasn't planning on staying at the girlfriend's, it's not odd for him to 'not really need anything' since he's well in to his degree. If he was fine with all he had last year, probably he doesn't need anything more this year.

Or do you mean that he signed up for this place (rather than a cheaper flatshare) without consulting you? That's sort of suggested as a possibility based upon your phrasing, but if that's what you mean, you should say it.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2024 15:34

aodirjjd · 06/09/2024 15:15

So to show gratitude he should let his mum waste her money on things he won’t use?

No, his parents need to sit him down and impress upon him the importance of not being a dick, a user of women, and an entitled, selfish arse.

They should inquire about the 'arguments' he had with his former roommates and find out why he doesn't work well with others. My guess is the problem is him, not the roommates.

To show gratitude he would first need a personality transplant.