If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

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I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Very little. If he's looking after the children when he'd about I would say that's probably sufficient.

How old are the children? Tbh unless they are tiny tots not much.

None

I would say half of the load is still his. I was a SAHM for several years and just looking after the kids and entertaining them is tough and a job in itself. If they are school age and you are at home it's a bit different and in that instance it would be fair for you to do a bit more. But if they are home with you all the time the housework etc should be a 50/50 split.

And when he's off I'd only expect 50%, not 85%. He needs time off too.

i have a 9 month old, 7 and 8 year old.

How old are the children? Are they out at pre-school/school for a chunk of the day?

If DH does 85% of childcare when he's off, that sounds pretty reasonable tbh.

What does he do at the moment? If the kids are old enough to go bowling they’re presumably at school so you have plenty of time during the week.

Whatever he can manage?

Pretty much none

I actually think on his days off, you should divide the childcare equally. He must be exhausted. I'm not playing down your role as obviously you are caring for them at home, but when does he get a break

If he got home at 3am , went to bed about 4 or 5 am, I'd probably expect them to sleep/resting in bed for at least 8 hrs (working shifts fucks up you body clock).

So if out at mid-day, not much help today.

If he works long hours then he must also get a good wage.
You need to think about that. He will be tired and he does spend time with the children.
Once your children hit school age your free time increases during the day.

The 9 month old changes things, school aged children I'd expect nothing from him around the house etc, as that would have been my job while he's at work. But with a 9 month old, 50/50 childcare when he's off. And light touch help if you've not been able to get things done in thr day with the baby.

What do you mean by help exactly?

If he was on a shift until 3am and back on the next shift 9 hours later (which is what I think you are saying)… very little?

I guess it’s home, sleep, shower, eat, back to work?

What is it you would like him to be doing?

X post on ages. He should be choosing to spend time with all of them when he’s at home, I’d prioritise that over him doing housework.

Depends on the age of the kids, but really not much if he was working long hours.

And not 85% when he is off, 50/50 when he is off.

On his days off I wouldn’t be expecting him to do 85%, it should be split 50-50 unless he really wants to do more of course. I wouldn’t expect much help at all on the days he’s working, he must be very tired with those hours.

Not a lot but he might like to mow the lawn as relaxation if you have one.

Some people enjoy what I think of as chores as a relaxing hobby, eg cooking, gardening.

Literally none if on his time off he does 85%, surely that averages out then!

When I say he does 85% of childcare I mean that he occupies them for 85% so that the kids are not all over me for that time.

For example, he will take all 3 kids out - swimming, bowling, park, then pick up lunch things, feed them and set up an activity. Ie he has ‘built’ older kids a castle and rocket ship and he Amazoned paint and pens for them to decorate. He’s not actively engaging for 85% of the time. Just makes sure they are not all over me for that time.

What do you want him to do? Is more of the housework/house admin?

Fair enough. I’m resentful that he never even thinks to throw a load on as he’s walking out. I guess I need to readjust my expectations.

I think he’s doing enough really…… you don’t have a dissimilar set up to what I had when my kids were younger. I suppose possibly in the morning he could do something….. I used to ask that my oh unloaded the dishwasher when he was waiting for the kettle to boil in the morning, that helped a lot because then we could just start restacking it as soon as we needed - is that what you mean ?

I always saw my working hours as the same as his, so I'd do everything if he was working those hours and aim to have all the household stuff done during the week, so the weekends were free for family time (ugh, but you know what I mean), especially if he's doing more than his share with DC at weekends.

What I would question, is if he really needs to work those hours, because having done 20+ years in a very male dominated office environment , I could name loads of men who basically stayed at work to avoid going home before bedtime was done, and many others doing the same work, who prioritised getting home to do bathtime.