If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I've got a very energetic 2 year old, and there absolutely are opportunities for tea breaks. A NT 2 year old absolutely is capable of entertaining themselves for the duration of a tea break. If they can't, then perhaps you need to work on teaching them independent imaginative play.

I wouldn't expect any help if he got in at 3am and was leaving again at 12.

That's only 9 hours, where he would need to wind down, eat, sleep , be up and ready again to leave.

I would expect help on days off or where the gap between the shifts is longer.

Your two year old must be less energetic than you think then and must be quite the exception. This is the most unrelatable comment I have ever seen in my life.

What? Of course there's lots of space for rest while minding your kid. Naps, while they're hanging out beside you and playing, a nice coffee while going for a walk. What on earth are you on about?

Yes, they are capable of independent play, but you turn your back on them for a second and they'll find something destructive to do, so you can't turn your back, and if you try to sit down, you will find yourself jumping out of your seat every 30 seconds to stop them from doing the next super-fun destructive or dangerous activity they've found. And when you add in all the other care activities you need to do (nappy changes/toileting, feeding them, clearing up after them etc.,), plus trying to fit in other household tasks like cooking, laundry, cleaning while having to stop every 30 seconds to check they're not getting up to mischief/deal with a tantrum when you try to stop them from drawing on the walls or flooding the bathroom or whatever, plus add in any siblings, there isn't much time left in the day.

I'm not just talking about my own children, but also every single other toddler I have ever encountered. I can assure you that if you are having "lots of tea breaks" then your child is of an exceedingly rare temperament and not at all representative of the norm, which is great for you, but just please do not assume that most people who are looking after toddlers are getting plenty of rest while doing so😂

No, you teach them boundaries. I'm on my 3rd 2 year old boy. His nickname is "spiderman, which should give you an insight into his temperament. I wouldn't have had the 2nd, let alone the 3rd had a tea break been impossible. You're either exaggerating or extreme helicoptering with a serious lack of discipline.

I don't think there's a single right answer. It depends on how well you're coping without his help, and how well he's coping with his hours. This may change over time, and if you are both loving and caring then you will both be looking to do a bit extra for the other when they need it.

So the important thing is how much he volunteers to do things without being asked to do them, because that shows that he recognises that you're working too. From your OP it sounds like he's doing pretty well in that regard.

So if you're asking the question I assume that you're feeling you'd like some more help, or that you need to find a way to help him rest better - perhaps you both could do with a bit of help from any family living nearby? Three kids and a job with long and individual hours isn't easy.

Same. Even if I have to put said tea down to stop him grabbing something he shouldn't or climbing what he shouldn't.

How do you teach them not to climb? Not sure at two it has much affect apart from repeating no a lot

Not sure he isn't autistic though at this moment!

Clear and consistent boundaries. Don't allow climbing at home even once. Remove them, redirect and a firm "no" every time. And lots of opportunities for safe energetic play and climbing.
I'm not saying every single tea break will be relaxing and uninterrupted, but they should certainly be possible.

Sounds like he’s doing his share already tbh.

Well you need the context of who she's at home with. Two pre schoolers, feeding and cleaning then, taking them to groups, keeping them entertained, washing up after breakfast and lunch and tidying up their mess is a full days work. So he's coming home to a tidy house and looked at after kids. That leaves the big cleaning jobs which are hard to do with kids, washing clothes etc which is easy enough for both parents to do as hoc. She didn't say she did no housework once he was home, just that she effectively did half. Meanwhile he could have a nice commute, ab easy job, a peaceful coffee break etc.

I had two year old twins, they absolutely could sit in front of me and play for five minutes without doing something inappropriate. Quiet? No. Tidy? Definitely not. But if they're not killing each other or destroying the house, I can get five minutes for a drink.

I think that should be my DC's nickname too! Whatever it is, if it's vaguely unsafe, it must be climbed immediately (and then, ideally, jumped off...). I'm deemed very unreasonable for not allowing this. Please tell me they stop trying to throw themselves off things at some point... (It's one of those days...)

@FeedingThem

Meanwhile he could have a nice commute, ab easy job, a peaceful coffee break etc

What the heck is a nice commute 😂
His hours are pretty awful so the job hardly sounds easy. Who knows. Maybe he's a donut taster? I dunno. Maybe his job is testing the squishiness of soft toys ...

In any case OP has said he does 80% childcare when he's home but she's then said that it's easy as he just organises them and they get on with it so he's not actually physically involved the whole time.

Well that surely means the dc are capable of self entertainment and not exactly a nightmare to look after which means they'll be the same for her. .

@FeedingThem
I've just checked. He's a pilot. So no. Not an easy job then

Sounds like mine. You have my sympathy. Taking them for a walk slightly improves it.

@Woister

When I say he does 85% of childcare I mean that he occupies them for 85% so that the kids are not all over me for that time.

For example, he will take all 3 kids out - swimming, bowling, park, then pick up lunch things, feed them and set up an activity. Ie he has ‘built’ older kids a castle and rocket ship and he Amazoned paint and pens for them to decorate.
This sounds like a thoroughly engaged and involved parent.
He works shifts. If he's working 12 noon - 3:00 am then when exactly are you expecting him to do any domestic work? That's 15 hours. That leave 9 hours in which time he will obviously need to eat, wash, groom and SLEEP.

Are you expecting him to also hoover the house?

Their judgement does improve at least🤣 mine haven't stopped yet. The middle one though, loves to climb up, but not down. I do lots of rescuing!

Meanwhile he could have a lousy commute , a hard job and miss out on coffee breaks . I’m sure she can have her coffee break when the kids are asleep . More so, even sleep when they do ! I think the time she spent on mumsnet would be plenty of coffee break time .

@Tourmalines well what's piloting a 747 with 100+ people compared to making star shaped sarnies and watching Bluey together...?! I mean clearly the pilots sitting down so soo mu h easier!

😀😂. Indeed

Your post surprises me. Your partner has a stressful busy job with long irregular hours and you are lucky enough not to have to work.
Both myself and my partner work full time and it’s tough to juggle everything but we split all other responsibilities equally. If one of us was a SAHP, I would expect that person to do most of the housework and childcare.

I think it's the little things adding up, like OPs husband not even washing up his own breakfast bowl and leaving it for OP.

OP does everything while he is working and he shouldn't treat her like a skivvy when he's back.

My mum was a SAHM and my dad worked long shifts and had a long commute. There's no way he would have just left his mess around for my mum to clean up when he was back just because he was the wage earner. He always treated my mum with respect and was grateful to her for looking after his children (as she was to him for being the wage earner).

My DD was walking by 10 months and climbed everything. I didn’t stop her. I limited the things she could climb and taught her how to get down safely.

No point saying “no”, you need to tell them what to do, not what not to. (Like puppies.)