If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Sounds like he’s doing fine. Great he takes them out or entertains them - he sounds engaged with them . I’d much rather he spent time with the kids than did laundry! Let’s face it laundry is easy and you have plenty of time to do it.

Keep in mind "supporting" you works both ways. A SAHP supports the working partner to enable them to be out of the house working, whilst they sort the house and the children. Support doesn't just have a pound sign on it.

Yes, I feel like his cleaner. Dh had a bowl of cereal when he got home and left the bowl in the sink. The dishwasher was half full. I would just love for him to load his dish and start the machine. It feels like an insult when he does things like this.

Absolutely none!!!!

Things like that are unacceptable. He's not royalty.

Why don’t you do his laundry? I find that very odd

I'm a SAHM and do all housework BUT I do massively let standards slip at the weekends so that I get a break too.

Any of DH's downtime I see is better spent bonding with DD age 2 than on cleaning or cooking. Plus for me I would always rather have a break from childcare than cleaning as it's so hard to entertain a toddler 24/7.

That said, on Saturdays and Sundays he also has 2 hrs to himself every afternoon which is more than I get so I sometimes get a babysitter on a weekday to balance it out a little so I get a few hours to myself every week. Alas, my toddler sleeps with me and doesn't nap so I get no alone time that way.

She doesn’t work though!

My husband does his laundry, I don’t touch his uniform as he doesn’t want me to. But my husband also does my laundry if he sees it needs doing.

Get a job and get a cleaner.

You'll feel much better for it by the sound of it.

I would expect him to do 50/50 with everything. That's childcare, housework and mental load. I'm a stay at home parent and don't do housework when my partner is at work except to tidy up any mess that occurs throughout the day. I'm working the same hours as he is so we can both share the exact same amount of the load when we are both home.

I'd expect nothing on his working days / after he's been working. 50/50 on non working days, you both need equal amounts of downtime. You have all day whilst the school age kids are at school, and baby is asleep. if it's causing resentment, you need to get a job and outsource your housework/childcare. And you need to check in regularly that he is OK with being the sole earner, and working so many hours, it doesn't sound very healthy.

She is ’running a home’ with two older children who go to school. He takes all three kids out when he is there to give her peace and quiet.

Drudgery, yes maybe, but presumably it’s what she wanted instead of working. They even had a third child. He works long shifts.

It really isn’t that hard to manage. Some people talk about the mental load as if it’s a mountain on their shoulders. We live in a society which is easy peasy in so many ways compared to how it used to be. Online shopping and banking etc. It’s actually a worry if you are a SAHM and can’t cope with just one child a home for most of the day. Perhaps then you shouldn’t have had so many.

He's a fucking pilot!! Go get a job & clean up the house fs

When are you going back to work?

I'm sorry but if you're a SAHP then you do kind of take on the role of the family cleaner? Honestly I think it would be very difficult being a SAHP with 3 dc, I am by no means belittling your role but it is YOUR role, at some point you and DH made the decision that's what would work for your family. I think it sounds like he does his fair share on his days off, I would not be expecting him to do more. I get how it feels frustrating when he walks out the house for work and you're left with all the mess and to pick up the pieces but again this is surely the idea of having a sahp?

That's really lazy for a SAHP.

You're basically expecting him to work twice as hard as you, so he can provide money that you don't have to go out and earn.

I wouldn’t expect any! It sounds like he does absolutely loads. He sounds like a really hands-on dad so I think that, plus working, is more than enough! As a SAHM isn’t every day cleaning your job?

I guess that this is normal life for many people but with both parents working. If you were also getting out the door to an office and doing all the pick ups and drop offs then despite his odd hours, I'd expect him to do more or between you to throw money at the problem.

But, despite the 9mo the kids are back in school right now. It should get a bit easier after what has probably been quite a relentless summer.

Maybe take a look at his diary and find a day off, have a night away and take it for yourself and leave him with the 9mo and the kids. Just get some headspace and breathe.

If I was working those hours, I’d not expect to do anything on the days I was heading into work (when there is a stay at home parent).

He doesn’t leave her to deal with the kids. OP says he takes then out or occupies then 85% of his time off.

So? Pilots aren't anything special. I don't know why people fawn over them. It's just a job like any other.

When I was on maternity leave with three young children (three under 3) my husband worked similar long hours and also managed to help me around the house. Why wouldn’t he? As someone said upthread, he’s a pilot not a princess.

I think this is a different issue from housework. I wouldn’t expect him to do any cleaning etc with those hours but I wouldn’t count things like putting his own bowl in the dishwasher and turning it on as cleaning/housework- that’s just normal life, like putting your own clothes in the basket, flushing your own loo etc. (Last example is maybe extreme but captures what I mean.)

Haha I'm not lazy at all but thanks. My partner does not work twice as hard as me either. I work just as hard as he does when he is working outside the home and then when he is home, we both do the same amount of work.