If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

I have just seen he is a pilot - if he was the pilot on a plane that I was travelling on I would like him to be concentrating on that not tired from doing sharing housework chores/washing etc.

Surely it depends on his shift pattern?

With an 8pm finish and then not in until 12 (but with 3am finish) I'd expect him to need a lie in. Otherwise it's an extremely long day.

I'd think he might give a hand between say 10.30am and 11.30am but expecting him to do breakfast would be unfair.

After the 3am finish if he had a reasonable gap e.g. not in the day after I'd want a bit more help from lunchtime onwards.

There's usually some time between shift patterns but not in the middle of the block.

So he is doing washing and ironing, but just his uniform?

Surely the better use of his time is spending time with the kids and taking them off your hands, rather than prioritising more chores and leaving the kids for you to deal with?

You're in the thick of it so it's understandable that you feel taken for granted, but that is your 'job' right now, and I assume it's something you mutually agreed on?

By all means talk to him about how you are feeling, you should be able to do that as part of a family unit and try and find a way to resolve any issue you may have, but I don't think accusing him of not doing enough or asking him to do more with the limited time he's got is the best course of action, have a real think about why you feel the way you do, before you approach him about it.

This. I mean choosing to stay at home for so many years to look after the kids and do housework is exactly 1950’s traditional set up.
Not rocket science. What else is there to do except plenty of time for housework when the kids go to school.

If my husband was a pilot I'd be encouraging him to rest up as much as possible on his time off. Peoples lives are at stake. I for one don't want to be on board with an exhausted pilot 🛩😴

If he does zero housework the op isn’t ’getting a break’, she’s just getting some time to do the work without the children around. Not actually a break is it. In his time off he should be splitting house chores 50/50 as well as childcare.

Doing his own laundry & cooking aren't 'housework'

OP does he not have quite long breaks at some point in the week? I would assume pilots don't fly 5 days a week.

He cooks one meal and goes out for 1-2 hours with the kids if it’s an weekend. And sets the kids up with an activity. Appreciated but he’s hardly run ragged.

I keep an eye on his sleep and he definitely get 8 hours most nights.

Really!? How much housework is there to do in a day? Most people can manage both working and having the house under control.

I would expect him to do very little. Not only is he doing shift work with very little rest time, his job as a pilot means he has huge stress and responsibility.
Getting home at 3.00am and leaving next day at 12 gives him barely enough time to get a decent sleep.

How many chores do people actually have? When I was a SAHM it didn't take much to keep on top of what was already clean and organised, quick whip around each day with the hoover and polish, throwing a wash on, and so on. It wasn't a full time job by any means, I had life a lot easier and more chilled then my DH who was working full time. He would entertain the kids while I was cooking an evening meal. He would help throw them in the bath, or dry them once out etc. Then down time was when they were in bed. I had a few hours to myself each evening.

I think this is the point - communication.

Ultimately, his hours are all over the place and you have a routine. I have a routine too and if DH's plans change and he's around when I'm not expecting him to be, him putting a wash on when I'd already got it in my head what I was doing, would throw me completely.

As a result, DH and I have our own tasks. Never formally discussed, but just fell into a pattern (I do the washing, he does the gardening and bins and we share dishwasher duties, I do the cleaning that needs doing, but we do have a cleaner). If one or the other of us is snowed under we'll offer to do something to take it off the other's list, but wouldn't just plough in and do it.

For example, DH had a busy week then was due to be out for much of the weekend too. The grass desperately needed a cut and I had the time to do it. But I know it's "his" job and he'd have likely set aside a bit of time in his head to do it (I know it's a job he enjoys too). I offered to do it (which surprised him no end as I am NOT the gardener of our house!), and he gratefully accepted. In similar circumstances in the past, he has asked me if I'd do it too.

I think it's good that your DH has acknowledged that you could do with a bit of time away from the kids (being "touched out" is definitely a thing!) and is actively creating that space for you, but if you would benefit from him chucking a load on as he's on his way out the door every so often, just tell him.

I would happily do everything if someone was supporting me and I didn't have to work. I've worked full time for 45 years and I'm sick to the back teeth of it.
For reference my ex husband who didn't work (no kids with that one) did a sum total of nothing and expected me to wait on him when I got home.

It’s not just housework is it? It’s also the whole mental load of running a house with three children, one of whom is a baby who needs attention most of the day. It’s all very well saying ‘a few household chores can be done easily’ but that’s the tip of the iceberg running a home every day. Never mind the drudgery of it all. And yes, most people can manage working and keeping a house under control, so why isn’t the OP’s husband doing his bit in this beyond a couple of activities with the children?

I would imagine getting in at 8pm, he'd be pretty knackered. The next morning, he could pitch in a bit, but there's not loads of time before he leaves again. What job is it?

This makes you sound a bit odd to be honest. He's taken them out, entertained them and set up a fun activity. You sound critical of this

@rubyslippers

i expect she's giving him more credit than due there. The older two are at school, I doubt he's doing 85% with the baby either.

she wants to not feel like the House Keeper & like he's living there, not visiting royalty.

Being a stay at home parent means you’re doing the “job” of parenting whilst the other parent is out at their job.

once they return home both “jobs” end and you are both just parents sharing the load.

being a stay at home parent doesn’t mean that you do every single thing every minute of every day and the parent who leaves the house for work does absolutely nothing at all.

Lot of people forget, it depends on what type of baby you have. Some babies are high maintenance and things can be very exhausting.

Op, I would suggest that you outsource some of the chores. You are both exhausted, there is no need to measure who is more tired. When things are hard, find a solution. A cleaner is cheaper and better for your overall health.

Why does OP not wash his clothes when she is putting a wash on? From her posts, it sounds like she does all the other washing but leaves his. If true, that is very petty.

Op I think you’re doing ok

@TinyYellow yes, including on his days off. So surely he could manage to do bits around the house?!?!

With "funny hours" I'd be expecting him to ask if not immediately obvious eg can he put washing on? Or he could just unload/load dishwasher

You’re now massively downplaying what he does because you’re determined to feel justified in your resentment. Best thing to do would be put 9 month old in nursery and go back to work and split everything 50/50. If you’re not prepared to do that, you need to suck up the majority of housework when he’s working. You’re coming across as being pretty entitled.