If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

Yeah that is annoying OP.

You can call him out on that - he can’t just do his laundry and ignore what else is around it.

For me, being a SAHM was doing it all in the day. Sorting the children, the housework, the washing. My DH was out earning, I was home keeping the place going. When he was home my priority would be him spending time with the kids, all.of us as a family. He would do the odd thing here and there, but he generally never needed to as it was done.

I am aware being a SAHM will look different family to family.

He does 85% of the childcare when he’s home as the OP says He’s a pilot
high stress shift working job
OP is a SAHM with two kids at school
I think she’s got it cracked

Have you asked him to put a load of washing on if it's there?
Would you moan at him if he did the wrong thing?

I don't think I'd expect him to do any housework

Put simply. I would expect you to share the income into the household and have equal leisure / time for yourself

There will be exceptions at times but this would be a balanced relationship

So he washes all his own clothes? So that's a household job he does. It also may have implicitly suggested to him that you consider everyone else's clothes as "your" job.

Have you asked him if he could put a wash on if he sees the laundry basket is full? I've actively asked my husband not to put washing on without checking with me, because he has a bad habit of doing it when I'm busy and it's raining and therefore the clothes sit in the washer all day and there is nowhere to dry them.

Assuming one's partner is a mind reader is never a good idea.

Hardly any

What kind of adult needs to be told that laundry needs doing? Surely he knows his uniform isn’t washed by magic laundry elves? Managing his home is part of his work, it’s part of being a family.

I used to do similar length shifts. I would try to take dc to school a couple of times a week but go back to bed after.

Unfortunately shifts aren’t family friendly especially with young children.

He sounds like he does stuff with the dc. Housework wise, I get your frustration but I wonder when he would do it. Could you outsource some of it?

Sounds like he’s doing plenty, especially as two of your children are at school all day.

And how do you know its because he's an employed male? He's going to work and out of the house most of the time. If the roles were reversed the woman would be employed and out of the house most of the time. The role of a SAHM differs from family to family. Just because some SAHMs keep on top of everything and some don't, it doesn't mean anyone hasn't moved on from 1950s.

What did you really expect having 3 kids?

So he takes DC out, does all his own washing, walks the dog, cooks a meal when he's around to do so and has a job where it's vital that he is fully rested between shifts?

I'd say that's pretty good going tbh.

If you're struggling with 3 DC and cooking, cleaning, life admin etc, can you simplify things, eg batch cook or make simpler meals? I assume you're already getting the shopping delivered and have all bills on direct debit etc?

I’m kind of with you @Woister I don’t know why we have to have expectations at all. I can’t understand why your man can’t just do something if he sees it needs to be done regardless of what he has just done or whether he has just walked in the door or whether he has just about to walk out the door, it’s not a tit for tat. If anyone is in the position where they can do a job, my opinion is just do it. Don’t just keep leaving it for the other person simply because or simply because you have just walked in the door after a 10 hour shift. if you’re washing a cup and there’s 2 cups…just wash them you’re ironing your uniform and there’s a couple of other jumpers…then iron them if you’re walking past the kitchen table it’s a mess and it bugs you…then clean it. If you see your wife is struggling to keep up with the housework…then help. It’s really that simple and it really should be that simple. It gets my go when people have simply just decided that something is not their job because the other person tends to do it most of the time. Does not get you out of doing things in the home in my opinion if you worked you would still have to do jobs in the house so why does he get to sit back and do nothing when he clearly can see the things need to be done. I’m not saying he’s lazy, he clearly has a very demanding job, but so do you right now.

Honestly very little. I’d expect him to tidy up after himself and make a meal or two if he’s there. Mow the lawn, take the bin out if its full. Big actual cleaning and looking after the kids would fall on SAHM. I’ve dropped to 20 hours a week working and don’t expect a lot from do tbh.

Get a cleaner and one who also changes beds etc. Then literally all you have to do is a bit of washing and tidying. Cut the kids clothes down by half. Only have the essentials. Generally make your life easier. Get the baby into nursery 2 mornings a week maybe to give yourself a break.

No, he doesn't think his uniform is washed by the elves, as op said he does ALL his own laundry, so his uniform is washed by him.

Yes and No

Personally, I don't like the "man with a big job and SAHM" model, but if that's what they've got, then I wouldn't expect him to do housework

I wouldn't expect much help with housework on his working days but id expect a little break from the baby before he goes off to work, maybe time to shower or go to the shops or the gym if you want to. Are the elder 2 still awake when he gets home? Would be good for them if he could do a little bedtime story as soon as he gets in. The night working makes it awkward.
My DH is out from 715 until 1730 (i work school hours from home)so once he's home hes 50/50 with parenting, I probably do slightly more general housework of an evening than him but he'll be with the boys as he usually hasn't seen them since bedtime but if he notices something needs doing, bins full, washing machines finished, toilets dirty then he just does it.
I suppose it really depends on what you think he should be doing that he isn't

Presumably he needs to sleep during some of the time he has off.

Given you have two older children, his contribution to the house can’t be something new. I struggle to understand why people have an additional child if they are not happy with the home set up and communication with each other to make things work. If there were issues before, they won’t go away with a new child and if they weren’t there before then this is new and should be easily reversed.

Are you planning to work in the near future? Can you get a cleaner to support the household?

He's a pilot not a princess.

He can stick a bit of washing on.

Having said that, I genuinely wouldn't have 3 kids with anyone who wouldn't or couldn't do more than setting up a few activities with them.

Assuming he was a pilot a few months ago when you had your last baby?

@Woister

i understand. It's his attitude to you/housework that's (understandably getting to you). I wouldn't mind doing 95% of it, but I would resent him not doing anything around the house at all when he is home.

yes as a pilot he'll be earning decent money, but you're not his housemaid.

what has he said when you've spoken to him? What's his attitude like

re the washing. You don't do any of his?! So I suppose he just gets on with his own & leaves you to deal with the rest?

so kids stuff, bedding, towels etc get magically done ?!

no idea what the rota is like now, but our pilots (major airline) used to get decent chunks of time at home. They need it with all the changes in time zones etc.

But quite a lot of them had second jobs (even though they weren't supposed to ) and a few renovated homes to sell on, so I'm sure he can put a bit of washing on, hoover. Empty the dishwasher, basically just muck in a bit!

(it's beneath some of them though. Too used to hotels & crew treating them like gods!!)

Ok I’ll rephrase that. What kind of grown adult marries, has children and thinks it’s acceptable just to sort/wash their own clothes in a busy household? Takes a special sort of selfish prick who thinks their wage slip makes up for majority of their contribution to the full running of a family home.

Honestly based on how much he works and what you say he does when he isn’t working, yeah I think it’s also unreasonable to expect him to stick on a wash before he goes and be resentful when he doesn’t.

What are the ages of the kids? You say swimming, bowling etc so it seems like you don’t have a bunch of toddlers.

When someone is looking after multiple very young preschoolers then I think things like household chores should be more evenly split outside of work time with the SAHP picking up what is feasible during the day.
With older kids the reality is he does all the income related work and you do all the household work, and then him taking on a bigger childcare burden when he’s off seems more than a fair deal on your end.