If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

None. He must be exhausted. He is doing enough.

Presumably the older ones go to school, so as a SAHM you have plenty of time to do the housework.

Very little.

Why are your 7 and 9 year old 'all over you all the time'?.

SAHm or SAHD should do the majority of the house stuff and 50/50 when off.

None

I wouldn't expect much help from him with the hours he works.

If you don't do his washing then he probably sees it as he's only going to do his own, be an adult and talk about it if you want things to change.

You should have had this conversation when the first child was born not when you were on number 3 and feeling overwhelmed.

I get that the laundry thing irritates you because it implies he's only thinking of himself, but the overall picture you've described doesn't back that up. It sounds like you both make a fair contribution.

What are the ages of the kids? You say swimming, bowling etc so it seems like you don’t have a bunch of toddlers.

She says they're 9 months, 7 years and 8 years.

On a completely different note, one adult wouldn't be allowed in my local pool with 3 kids that age.

Wow really weird responses. My friend - female - is a pilot with 3 DC. when the DC were small, her DH was a SAHP - she still managed to do laundry and her fair share of housework when she was home - because, guess what, she is an adult!

I'd expect him to do some housework on his days off when your DC is 9mo, or pay for a cleaner, the same as pilots without DC do. I'd also expect him to do some wake ups with baby on his days off to give you a break.

Sounds like he does enough, especially if he also has the mental load of being the one to financially support the whole house.

I think you should do more when his off on one of the days so he gets a little break.

"Setting up a few activities" that leaves OP in peace for 85% of the time sounds pretty good to me, and it can't be exactly easy when one of them's a baby.

In at 3am hopefully asleep by 4am. Maybe back up at 10.30am, a quick shower, some food & then presumably a commute to work. That's a max of 6 1/2hrs sleep doing a safety critical role. If you haven't worked shifts you cannot understand the intense strain it puts on your body & mind. Add in the fact its a safety critical role to the pressure.

I don’t understand the “it’s not the 1950s” comment at all. If you choose to have a very traditional set up with the man working and the wife staying at home the surely it can’t come as a shock to have traditional roles.

This must be a reverse.

He has a busy stressful job with long hours, does his own laundry, cooks when he is at home and does 85% of the childcare when he is home. OP is at home with two school aged children and a baby which still has naps.

So when he is home, OP gets a break. When does he get one?

Very, very little.

Working long hours definitely doesn't mean a good wage

V little indeed. When does he get downtime?

If the older two children are 7 and 9 is this just a question of resetting expectations now there is also a baby in the mix? I think it's entirely reasonable that OP might have been expected to do virtually all the day to day housework with two children at school, but that dynamic has now changed since 3rd child was born. Sounds like DH may not have also readjusted?

As is often the case on these threads, OP does not mention actually talking to her DH, so we have no idea whether he might be prepared to be helpful or not.

It's not weird at all. A SAHP would generally be expected to do the majority of the housework. They are not there simply just to entertain a child and nothing else. So it makes sense that 99% of people are saying they'd only expect light touch house work from him. Did your friend do 85% of the childcare and take them all out alone in her down time, as well as all the housework, as well as working full time? If so, what was the point of the SAHD?

What did you expect when you decided to have three kids? Why did you have the third if it’s such hard work? If you hadn’t you could have been out working yourself many years ago and shared the housework.

When will you go back to work?

I was still on maternity leave when my DC was 9mo. Would you say the same to someone on maternity leave?

At a local leisure centre which is a popular chain around the country it’s one adult for two children under eight and most private clubs or school pools have different or no policy.

I would expect children of 7 and 9, who clearly do go regularly swimming with a parent to be competent swimmers. It’s typically the age most children have completed the Learn To Swim levels locally.

If anyone is not pulling their weight, it isn’t the person who is the sole wage earner and who does 85% of the childcare when they are around.

You say 'fair share'

One person's 'fair' will be another person's unfair.

Unless you lived with them, you cant possibly know how much housework/childcare equates to 'fair' in their opinion.

Whatever needs doing - if the dishwasher needs unloading then unload it, if the wash basket is overflowing use your initiative and put it on! He is an adult in a household and assume wants and needs clean dishes to eat off and clean pants to wear?

If he’s anything like my husband (also a pilot, also a father of three young children) he gets plenty of downtime, far more than me. And he does plenty of housework/cooking.