If your husband worked these hours how much help would you expect?

[Woister]

I am a SAHM. Dh works long hours. I basically do all the childcare and house work. In fairness when Dh is off he will take care of 85% of childcare ie take kids out swimming, bowling etc.

So the day before Dh got home a 8pm, then left the following day at 12pm to be home at 3 am. He will be leaving today at 12pm.

how much help would you expect from husband with these hours?

None.
Shift work is a killer.

He literally takes the 3 of them out, sorts lunch, activities.....I'd be going with them at that time and enjoying it as a family. He's not actively engaging? What would you call it then? Totally sounds like actively engaging!!

I guess from your question that you don’t think he is doing enough, or at least that you feel you need more help?

I find even 15 minutes of concentrated house work a day makes a difference. Perhaps if he were to do one fixed task a day you’d be happier?

Whenever he is home, 50/50.

I have come back to add - yes it did annoy me when I had to ask him to do it (why on earth couldn’t he see that needed doing ?!?)
but he does sound like a good guy from what you have said

Sounds like he is doing shift work, as he went in one day at midday.

If he is out of the house working for those hours I would expect very little

If he is swanning off to the gym or pub for some of it then I'd expect him to reprioritise things.

He must be shattered with those hours so I'd be making sure he rests too before he burns out if he is to remain the bread winner.

In terms of housework I think it depends what you mean. I’m on maternity leave at the minute so the housework is more my job, I’m at home all day so it’s a lot easier for me to stick the washing in, hang it out, do the dishes, run a hoover/mop around, clean the benches etc. I can do that in between naps/playing etc through the day and that means when he’s home he can actually spend time with our daughter before bedtime.

But on a weekend when we’re both off he does the washing, dishes, hoovering etc, so it’s give and take.

Dh does absolutely 0 housework. If he has 2 days off consecutively in that time he will likely cook one meal and do the dog walks.

He’s a pilot

What do you want from this thread?

You say he works long shifts, home at 3am and then back out at 12pm. He does take the kids off your hands when he can, takes them out, keeps them entertained with colouring etc. Are you saying that's not enough?

If you want him to throw a load in the washing machine, have you actually said that to him?

Yes, it's annoying to have to ask sometimes but surely asking over getting yourself all het up is just an easier solution?

I'm a sahm and I do 90% of everything at home but if I ask dh to do something, he will.

Little to none. You say he works long hours, plus takes the kids out when he is home, etc. He’s taking all the strain of being the only bread winner as well as a demanding job. I would see the house stuff as mostly mine as a SAHM.

None as you’re at home. Omg that schedule sounds horrendous.

So he leaves at lunch time, gets in at 3am - bed about 4? then back to work at lunch...and you're annoyed he won't put the washing on, on his way back out?

You have 2 out of 3 children in school all day and on his days off you say he takes 85% responsibility for the children by taking them out, engaging them in activities, cooks the odd meal, walks the dogs.

Presumably he's also bringing in some pretty decent money?

Yeah, i'd swap with you.

Dh will take out his uniform from the washing machine (I don’t wash or iron his clothes), see a full laundry basket whilst he’s in the utility and not do a thing. I just find that disappointing.

If he’s a pilot then he needs to rest and rejuvenate between shifts - him taking the kids is enough. So I’d expect you to do everything else as you’re at home. If you also had a high stress job then my answer might be different. But you’re not - you’re at home.

Really not much, but even on a fairly low income we paid for a cleaner when I was a SAHM and DH was working really long hours. We also paid for a couple of morning with a childminder. We had no money for holidays, a totally clapped out old car and only cheap trips. But we decided to prioritse help due to high risk of PND given the scenario.

I knew you were going to say that - my husband is a pilot too. We also have three children and I work full time. We split things equally, he definitely does more housework than me (laundry, washing up, putting clothes away) and also cooking. I do more child/related work though due to hours. We also have a cleaner who comes three hours a week.

your husband needs to step up his housework game.

Probably not a lot if you just had the two at school, but you have a 9 month old so your days and nights will be very full on! Maybe sometime you'd like for him to do the housework while you went bowling - it sounds like he does all the fun stuff with them

Him using his limited down time to play with the children is more important to the overall family unit than doing a load of washing surely. Yes he could be more mindful but if this is the split you have chosen to be a SAHM with a literal high flyer then it's what's it is. As a pilot presumably you can afford to get a cleaner in to take up some of his slack instead so why not get someone in for a couple of hours?

Sounds like he’s active with his children when off, the days where he’s working in a job that requires much concentration sounds like he’s doing his part.

He should be pulling is weight with admin/housework regardless of his job. You’re not his live in housekeeper. He can chuck a load of washing on whilst leaving, take a bin bag out, prep lunch for the kids for the next day, literally one of the many little jobs he can do even when working long/odd hours. There’s no excuse for doing 0 housework.

It is disappointing. And I’m disappointed that so many posters think he’s off the hook because he’s an employed male. The mindset of some people hasn’t moved on from the 1950s 🙄.

Presumably you both agreed to have a family and therefore when he’s at home it’s 50% his responsibility.

If you want him to do laundry then ask him. Sitting in silent resentment isn’t helping anyone. But with one baby during the week while the older two are at school I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to do it. He’s already doing his own work stuff.

So when you say he does no housework, but he does actually do all of his laundry and does cook family meals during the week?

I think that the house is your job, but he needs to show respect. Put his clothes were they need to go, empty his suitcase, clean up after himself in the bathroom, don't leave rubbish etc in other words, don't create more work for you. The children should be equal and he's doing more when he can. So I think that he's doing enough. Your youngest is at a difficult age, but very soon your life is going to be fairly easy and quite honestly enviable.