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Original poster

About boyfriend visiting a quaker house?

382 replies

Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:24

We've been together for a year. When we met and religion came up I told him I was atheist and asked his views he said he was agnostic but didn't actively believe or practice.

Last week, the topic came up again casually and he suggested he was spiritual although didn't fully commit to saying he believed in God. He also said he didn't really agree with atheism as it was too severe.

Then while in London this week he visited a quaker house in an amazing building he came across! He joked he didn't know they even still existed and mentioned 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist'.

I'll be honest, he has never told me if he was religious in any way and I feel a bit annoyed by this. I want to have children and I don't want to raise them in a faith because that isnt my belief though I respect others.

OP posts:
araiwa · 05/09/2024 06:29

And?

I've visited all sorts of religious building as some are beautiful/ historic/interesting

I've never caught religion in any of them

Soditsally · 05/09/2024 06:32

If you respect others .. then leave him be to visit how ever he wants .. I've visited multiple faith denominations out of respect and interest , doesn't mean I then start to worship any of them

Original poster
Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:32

Yes @araiwa but it's the fact we just had the conversation and he said 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist' in a way to suggest he now does

Despite not setting foot in one ever

OP posts:
Edingril · 05/09/2024 06:33

The world won't end if he goes

Icedblondeoatlatte · 05/09/2024 06:33

araiwa · 05/09/2024 06:29

And?

I've visited all sorts of religious building as some are beautiful/ historic/interesting

I've never caught religion in any of them

🤣🤣🤣🤣

CrazyGoatLady · 05/09/2024 06:34

Quaker here.

Maybe do some research about Quakers and what they believe?

Also, visiting a Quaker meeting house once does not a religious person make. It sounds like maybe he is curious, but there's a difference between having an interest in something spiritual or exploring different ideas and concepts and actually being religious or following a religion.

People can be spiritual or believe in God without being religious. Many Quakers do not see themselves (or their faith) as an organised religion as the emphasis is on your personal relationship with God and how you live your life.

Kindly, it sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about something you know very little about.

Icedblondeoatlatte · 05/09/2024 06:34

Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:32

Yes @araiwa but it's the fact we just had the conversation and he said 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist' in a way to suggest he now does

Despite not setting foot in one ever

I think he just means he’s more open minded

Stopandlook · 05/09/2024 06:34

It doesn’t sound as though you respect others beliefs. You can’t change his so you need to decide if this is really such a big deal / worth calling it all off?

Butchyrestingface · 05/09/2024 06:35

Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:32

Yes @araiwa but it's the fact we just had the conversation and he said 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist' in a way to suggest he now does

Despite not setting foot in one ever

He’s already told you he’s agnostic, not an atheist. I can’t see that anything has changed.

if you want to be with someone whose beliefs align exactly with yours, break up with him and go find that person.

NeverEnoughPants · 05/09/2024 06:35

I thought Quakers didn't have any specific religion - and in fact can be non-religious?

So I think ya both bu..

fedupoftheheatnow · 05/09/2024 06:36

@Butchyrestingface

"He’s already told you he’s agnostic, not an atheist. I can’t see that anything has changed.

if you want to be with someone whose beliefs align exactly with yours, break up with him and go find that person"

Completely agree

Loopytiles · 05/09/2024 06:36

He was clear that he possibly has some religious beliefs. The visit to a building of a religion is by the by. I wouldn’t, however, want to date someone who considered atheism ‘severe’ unless they didn’t mind me being open with any future DC about atheism and didn’t want to seek for DC to ‘have a faith’

Uricon2 · 05/09/2024 06:37

You sound rather angry about this.

You've been together a year. He told you he was agnostic, which is not the same as atheist. He has visited a house of worship. This doesn't mean he's looking to actively pursue any kind of faith, but it doesn't mean that he won't in the future. Who knows? If this is a total dealbreaker for you, then perhaps reconsider the relationship.

Galoop · 05/09/2024 06:37

I'm confused, did he visit this in a touristy kind of way? If so, what's the problem? I've visited churches, temples and mosques and I'm not religious

Original poster
Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:40

@Galoop it seemed like he visited in a tourist way as he joked he didn't know they even existed anymore

But spending time in one rather than going to a cafe or pub isn't something he'd do usually.

I think the main point here is I wouldn't want future children to have a faith. That is the main concern with this and his opinion on atheists which he never shared before - presumably because he didn't want to put me off.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 05/09/2024 06:41

Firstly, Quakers are extremely liberal, and many don't believe in God. I used to attend a Quaker meetinghouse regularly, would potentially do so again, and wouldn't class myself as especially religious. I certainly haven't "raised my child in a faith".

Secondly, he simply visited the building. That in no way implies he agrees with the views of the religion or is interested in worshipping there.

Thirdly, if he does start exploring faith, it would be quite controlling of you to be "angry" with him. Does he try to control your interests and pursuits, and become angry if you like things he doesn't?

Bramblesandbracken · 05/09/2024 06:41

Quaker here. Many people visit our Meeting House with interest in history/architecture/community-work rather than in anything else. We welcome all comers as Friends.
All faiths, and none, can be Quakers. We have many non theistic Quakers, who look for the good in everyone/everything rather than look for “God(s)”

It does sound like you both need some honest conversations about rearing children and faith/spirituality/religions before you go much longer in your relationship. Plus, some personal consideration to why you feel possibly angry/threatened by him not following you in thought/deed?

Sinisterdexter · 05/09/2024 06:43

He sounds open minded.
You not so much.

I was raised a Catholic. I don’t go to mass, not sure if I believe in god.
However I love churches as a visitor, they’re peaceful places, often have interesting tombs and art and I like to light a candle for my deceased relatives.
Doesn’t make me religious.

CreateUserNames · 05/09/2024 06:43

Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:24

We've been together for a year. When we met and religion came up I told him I was atheist and asked his views he said he was agnostic but didn't actively believe or practice.

Last week, the topic came up again casually and he suggested he was spiritual although didn't fully commit to saying he believed in God. He also said he didn't really agree with atheism as it was too severe.

Then while in London this week he visited a quaker house in an amazing building he came across! He joked he didn't know they even still existed and mentioned 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist'.

I'll be honest, he has never told me if he was religious in any way and I feel a bit annoyed by this. I want to have children and I don't want to raise them in a faith because that isnt my belief though I respect others.

Is He being sarcastic towards you on the atheism comments? If so, I won’t keep the guy. Because there will be future problems that your values don’t match.

BMW6 · 05/09/2024 06:46

Most peculiar.

Even if you met and procreated with an avowed Atheist, what makes you think that would mean any children you have wouldn't ever have a Faith?

It's not passed on genetically you know.........🙄

Sinisterdexter · 05/09/2024 06:46

Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:40

@Galoop it seemed like he visited in a tourist way as he joked he didn't know they even existed anymore

But spending time in one rather than going to a cafe or pub isn't something he'd do usually.

I think the main point here is I wouldn't want future children to have a faith. That is the main concern with this and his opinion on atheists which he never shared before - presumably because he didn't want to put me off.

With the best will in the world you can only guide your dc.
As adults they may decide to follow a faith or marry someone who does.
Respect is important here.

Original poster
Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:47

@CreateUserNames I think what sounded sarcastic was saying 'you'd have no need of it as an atheist'. Felt dismissive?

I think he meant his comments on atheism because he thinks they leave no option for considering something else

OP posts:
thesecondmrswogan · 05/09/2024 06:48

Would it make you this angry if one of your hypothetical children found they had a faith? You cant control their thoughts and wishes as they grow up.

namechange12524 · 05/09/2024 06:48

Ok, so he's made several snide comments about your atheism and you're scared that his agnosticism will turn into something else. It doesn't sound like either of you respects the other's beliefs so maybe don't have children with this one?

Original poster
Celia24 · 05/09/2024 06:50

@namechange12524 his snide comments, although he might not mean them that way, have just started this week.

I'm really annoyed because if he felt this way about MY beliefs he has kept it under wraps.

OP posts: