About boyfriend visiting a quaker house?

[Celia24]

We've been together for a year. When we met and religion came up I told him I was atheist and asked his views he said he was agnostic but didn't actively believe or practice.

Last week, the topic came up again casually and he suggested he was spiritual although didn't fully commit to saying he believed in God. He also said he didn't really agree with atheism as it was too severe.

Then while in London this week he visited a quaker house in an amazing building he came across! He joked he didn't know they even still existed and mentioned 'you'd have no need for one as an atheist'.

I'll be honest, he has never told me if he was religious in any way and I feel a bit annoyed by this. I want to have children and I don't want to raise them in a faith because that isnt my belief though I respect others.

You know once they go to school they also come back with religious ideas at times…you can’t stop your kids finding an faith either.

Because part of the reason I'm not religious is I don't believe in telling kids what to think from the off.

If they ask about it I'll be honest about my athiesm and why I feel that way.

I reckon you're on to a good one if he is feeling moved to connect with Quakery.

Firstly there’s a difference between raising your child as an atheist or without faith. The former would be saying “there is no God” to them as a firm set idea. Is that how you plan to raise your children? If so you two are not compatible.

Secondly, your atheism seems very focused on Christianity or possibly abrahamic faiths. How do you feel about other religions with multiple Gods?

Except the strength of your feelings on this is at a level of ferver that's quasi-religious.

Weirdly humans have a natural need for religion and what has been found is that in the absence of religion people look for other causes or political beliefs to channel this need into. And this is often quasi-religious in nature.

Look at the rise in the popularity of conspiracy theories as an example.

Are you a quaker yourself?

Him being critical of me made me feel he isn't being kind or tolerant about my upbringing.

🙄🙄 Absolutely ridiculous.

I think you need to sort your issues with religion out (and grow up) before even considering having children.

You are not emotionally ready to be living with a partner or thinking about children right now.

Raising a child to be an atheist is raising them to believe that a God doesn’t exist, which is your choice but I don’t think it’s a fair one.

Raising a child agnostic is raising them to believe there may or may not be a God, and it’s for them to decide as they get older.

I don't know why people are calling you unreasonable. You have clearly indicated that you would have a general interest in visiting the building, just not for any kind of religious reason. You have also made it clear that it's your partner's sarcastic comment, not his visit to the building, that has you concerned.

I agree with you completely though, which is maybe why I can empathise. A partner with religious beliefs would be a deal breaker for me too, in terms of raising children. I suspect those calling you unreasonable may have a faith.

So... you'll be raising them to be agnostic then? Like your open minded agnostic boyfriend?

Is this through a need for religion though or is it more a need for community?

Because I'm not religious but I need a community which is fulfilled by my hobby. Without it, I do struggle.

Another thing to bear in mind is that people can change throughout their lives. My mum, for example, was an atheist as we grew up and then became a Christian in later life. You might choose to start a family with an atheist who becomes religious later on. I think you need to relax about the whole issue.
I'm agnostic and married into a Hindu family. My DH isn't really a believer, but his family are so the kids get exposed to some Hindu prayers, festivities etc. I'm fine with this. I find it interesting. My children have their own minds and aren't blindly believing all they're told by grandma. They can decide whether to be Hindu, Muslim, Christian, atheist or whatever, when they're older.

Because part of the reason I'm not religious is I don't believe in telling kids what to think from the off

So then that would include atheism too surely? Telling kids that faith is wrong or there is no God is just as much telling them what to think as it would be to tell them one particular faith is the right one

Red flag, for him.

Now I'm confused OP as you are watering down your view about this, you said you are squabbling alot. Maybe he's just not the person you thought he was or you are just adapting to life together. Only you know if you want to be with him or you want a reason to split.

But that would be if they asked my beliefs.

Not because I am 'teaching' it to them in some way.

This ⬆️

I think you need to talk to your partner and explain how important your atheism is to you, and that he hurt you with his offhand comment about you not needing to visit the Quaker meeting house.

If it would genuinely be a deal breaker for you if your partner found some kind of religion then you should probably tell him that as well.

Its not watering down as much as figuring it out myself.

We never fought about stuff like this before and just moved in together last month.

It feels like a make or break point to grow together or throw in the towel. I obviously wouldn't have moved in if I wanted the latter.

What are you squabbling about amd what happens?

Is this through a need for religion though or is it more a need for community?

People are all different. Having being raised as a Christian, I now feel precisely zero need for religion (and certainly not for conspiracy theories ffs... I value rationality and evidence as do many atheists and agnostics!) but do still miss the ready-made community.

Im picking up yes the issue is the faith thing, but also you haven't mentioned a proper discussion about this with aims to resolve it. Just some assumptions on your part. Here is a conflict resolution script you both may find useful as it sounds like you need a proper chat about this.

Conflict Communication Worksheet
1. Set the Stage

• Find a Calm Time: Choose a moment when both partners are calm.
• Set a Time Limit: Agree on a duration for the discussion (e.g., 30 minutes).

2. Define the Issue

• Issue Description: Each partner briefly describes the issue from their perspective.
• Partner A:

• Partner B:

3. Express Your Feelings Using "I" Statements

• Partner A:
• "I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [reason]. What I need is [specific request]."
• Example: "I feel hurt when you interrupt me because it makes me feel unheard. What I need is for you to let me finish speaking."
• Partner B:
• "I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [reason]. What I need is [specific request]."
• Example: "I feel frustrated when we argue about money because it seems like we're not on the same team. What I need is for us to set a budget together."

4. Active Listening

• Partner A Speaks, Partner B Listens:
• Partner B’s Summary: "What I heard you say is..."

• Partner A’s Clarification (if needed):

• Switch Roles:
• Partner B Speaks, Partner A Listens:
• Partner A’s Summary: "What I heard you say is..."

• Partner B’s Clarification (if needed):

5. Identify Underlying Needs and Interests

• Partner A’s Needs/Interests:

• Partner B’s Needs/Interests:

6. Brainstorm Solutions

• List Potential Solutions:
• Solution 1:

• Solution 2:

• Solution 3:

• Evaluate Solutions Together:
• Pros and Cons of each solution.

7. Agree on a Solution

• Chosen Solution:
• Action Steps: Clearly define what each partner will do.
• Partner A’s Actions:

• Partner B’s Actions:

8. Follow-Up

• Set a Follow-Up Date: Choose a date to check in on the solution's effectiveness.
• Follow-Up Date:

9. Appreciation and Acknowledgment

• Partner A: "One thing I appreciate about you in this process is..."

• Partner B: "One thing I appreciate about you in this process is..."

I think it's you who needs to reflect on this. Because how do you decide - as a couple - that any group is ok for your children?

What strikes me is the authoritarian tone in your responses here, and that's one of the issues that many people have with organised religion.

And this is kinda my point. You are behaving in a mirror to this, because you have unresolved issues with religion. Why? What's at the heart of it.

What's to stop that same thing being present in a non-religious group?

I don't think your issues are purely about spirituality and religion alone. And you should probably reflect on that and the level of response you have to the subject.

Just don't talk about religion. I'm an atheist, don't believe any of it, to me it's a load of rubbish. My OH isn't an atheist, we respect each other's view and just don't talk about it.

Same with politics, I know our views are very different, so just don't talk about it.

What our boys decide to believe, is completely up to them.

Doesn't cause an issue.

I agree he sounds more open minded than you do, are you scared you might catch God by association?

If you're that much of a militant athiest then he's a not a match for you, find someone else who is more compatible with you.

I think you are going to find it hard to find a new relationship based on the fact they're atheist, it would probably take you a while to find someone who has the same views as you and you get along great with.
My husband and I have two different faiths and have been together 35 years.
I am catholic and my husband is a Christian, our children both went to a catholic school as they're better schools were we live, one is still a catholic now they're older and the other doesn't believe, my point is if you love this person, you could teach your child about his faith if he wants to and about your non faith they will decide for themselves what they want to be, I was brought up with no faith really and became a catholic as a teenager.
Just because you are an atheist it doesn't mean your children will want to be, I do think that you sound very forceful and what you want goes, just because it is what you believe it doesn't mean you are right.