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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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longdistanceclaraclara · 04/09/2024 21:58

I think everyone should sleep on it and see what the morning brings. All sounds over dramatic and knee jerk reaction tbh.

Snugglemonkey · 04/09/2024 22:02

I agree that everyone needs to get some rest and evaluate things in the morning. I am sorry you are dealing with this on holiday. I think it would be really shit of your friend to leave you there.

mynameiscalypso · 04/09/2024 22:08

I think the others have nailed it. It sounds like a really stressful evening for everyone. Everyone will be calmer tomorrow and you can hopefully have a rational conversation about the rest of the holiday.

Mainoo72 · 04/09/2024 22:13

All sounds very dramatic. Hopefully you can both be grown ups in the morning & just get on with the holiday.

Thighdentitycrisis · 04/09/2024 22:14

It’s not really fair and she will be massively disrupting your and your Dd holiday with the Disney trip and the driving / ferries etc.
sounds like your friend was upset as her child was hurt. You should discuss it tomorrow and she needs to realise the responsibility for potentially ruining your holiday and disappointment for your daughter. Hope you can work it out peacefully tomorrow

hellywelly3 · 04/09/2024 22:17

I agree with others sleep on it. Maybe texted in the morning and see how her injured child is as an ice breaker.
Holidays with others can be stressful for everyone. Good luck

cestlavielife · 04/09/2024 22:18

Just stay. Go to opposite ends if the campsite tomorrow then regroup.
Yes she might have another meltdown. It is life
No need to stop the holiday
Next year do not go with this friend

comedycentral · 04/09/2024 22:19

100% sleep on it and resolve tomorrow. If sounds like stress got the better of everyone.

Ciri · 04/09/2024 22:19

If she’s still planning on leaving come the morning I would be asking whether she’s returning for the day at diisney and to pick you up for the journey home. If the answer is no then she’s an awful person and your friendship is clearly over

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 22:21

Thanks everyone. I've got the feeling she's already booked elsewhere from the way she's worded it. She's said she's going to spend the rest of the week at Disney hotel instead as it's not working out, so sounds like she's booked it and told her DD. İ thought it would just blow over after she stormed off in a huff and that we could sort it out in the morning, but I got into bed and got that text. İn that moment I really needed so much empathy. I'd had such a beautiful day and my DD was meltdowning for over an hour in my arms and I was sat alone just trying to calm her and was getting daggers the whole time from my friend for it.

OP posts:
Throwawayagain1234 · 04/09/2024 22:27

Hopefully your friend will be more amenable after a bit of sleep and you can come to a compromise about the travel home. If it al seems unworkable by lunch tomorrow private message me dates and where you are and I'll help you find the best route home, I've done a lot of train travel in France and it's normally a lot cheaper than the UK with excellent transport links. I think you'd probably be able to get a suitcase at the nearest decent supermarket, they normally stock all sorts of travel stuff that's saved me on holidays over there. Good luck and I'm here if you need me tomorrow.

Talkingfrog · 04/09/2024 22:30

Hopefully she hasn't jumped into booking anything that can't be cancelled and by the morning things have calmed down.

Not sure whether you would be able to cancel the ferry and change it to foot passengers at this stage - you would need to look at the terms and conditions of your booking to see if that was even an option.
When were you due to go home? Would it be an option that you could do different things tomorrow and share the journey home - even of only back to the UK.

Depending on which eurocamp there could be a bus that goes to disney. Uber could be another option.

I know you said your DLA hasn't been processed yet, but do you have an access card or disability ID card for your daughter? They are issued in the UK and can be used in a number of places such as theme parks etc. If so then disneyland paris will accept is as proof of need for a priority pass to reduce queues. You can sort it all on the day, but will need your daughters passport with you.
Did you have tickets already? They need to be booked in advance. They only allow the disabled person and one carer to buy on the gate on the day - anyone else needs to be booked in advance.

wheresthebigcarrot · 04/09/2024 22:32

If you're at Berny Rivière there is a shuttle to Disneyland.

Your friend sounds like a dick. Are you in separate tents / caravans?

Also did you really only go with 2 bags? We needed a whole cars worth of stuff for a week!!

deplorabelle · 04/09/2024 22:34

I don't think it will come to this because I think your friend will calm down but a few things to cross off your list of worries

  1. a bag for life is fine to carry stuff in on a train. Or you could get a train/taxi to to town. Any supermarket will sell shopping bags you can put extra things in. A big one will have backpacks etc for kids going back to school.

  2. take your DD to a smaller, quieter amusement park instead. (Start a thread giving your location someone will be able to help). Don't tell her it is Disney but don't tell her it isn't. She might enjoy it just fine.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 22:38

I don't have the access card or anything like that. I just trusted my friend that we would all go together and queue up for things together, so I allowed her to tell my dd we were going to Disneyland. I might just have to go and face the queues. I hadn't booked yet as we were unsure whether to go for the day tomorrow or Friday due to weather forecasts. Another friend gave me two free tickets because her hubby works for Disney, which I was going to share with my friend and we were going to buy a child ticket each. I hadn't used the free tickets to book a date yet. I had emailed my friend the two free tickets to print out for us and I'm hoping she doesn't use them for herself.

@Talkingfrog thank you for the offer, that's really kind of you. I don't know if I can get to a supermarket from where I am, it's literally countryside, but I'll try and rethink tomorrow. I can get a train to Disney, I've heard, or there's a shuttle bus I believe. Might be easier to just relax at campsite all week with LO of I've got a huge train trip ahead of me and more booking admin.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 22:41

wheresthebigcarrot · 04/09/2024 22:32

If you're at Berny Rivière there is a shuttle to Disneyland.

Your friend sounds like a dick. Are you in separate tents / caravans?

Also did you really only go with 2 bags? We needed a whole cars worth of stuff for a week!!

I'm not at Berny I'm at the smaller one :)

Yeah her car is tiny so we were limited on stuff. They were two bag for life size bags stuffed to the very brim, mind you, and I brought a bag of food as well and my daughter had her lunch and spare clothes in her school bag. I could never carry the bags across the country everything would fall out, plus holding onto a little girl and getting on the metro to change trains. I've also got a pillow and two blankets with me.

OP posts:
herecomesthesondodedoodoo · 04/09/2024 22:42

If your friend leaves you stranded in another country, because your autistic daughter had a rare meltdown, then she is a massive cunt! You're being far too kind to your 'freind's' feelings here. Even if she's changed her mind in the morning, the fact a friend even threatened to abandon you both would be friendship ending for me. I hope you find a way to get home safely with your daughter.

Blueblell · 04/09/2024 22:44

I think your friend would be really out of order not to drive you home even if you end up staying the rest of the week in Separate accommodation. Hopefully everything will calm down after a good nights sleep. Are your sharing a caravan?

Ted22 · 04/09/2024 22:46

Your friend is horrible if she does this to you.

b0zza1 · 04/09/2024 22:51

Hi there. I am the parent to an autistic boy. And I just wanted to say how brilliantly you responded to your child in meltdown. Neither you or your daughter have done anything wrong and don't deserve being put in this difficult position. There is a lot for you to sort out and it sounds like you are already problem solving as much as you can. That will get easier as the trip goes by. So sorry this happened to you.

babyproblems · 04/09/2024 22:53

Erm you need to discuss this again with your friend tomorrow.
it’s not really a big deal if you can’t go to Disney. I appreciate your daughter has autism but really you sound like you don’t have many boundaries or be in control of very much at all. The fact you didn’t bring a suitcase, or seem to have enough funds to get yourself home is worrying. What would you have done if the car broke down and you had to move your belongings another way? You’ve not thought that through. What would you have done in an emergency?? Imagine your friend was ill? It seems very risky to me to travel abroad with no contingency plans, no transport and no real plan of what you would do if things went pear shaped?? Ill be honest and say I think you sound flaky and badly organised. In your position I would speak to my friend again tomorrow. And if she doesn’t want to continue the original plans, you need to just find a way that gets you home (earlier than planned or not) and avoid Disney seeing as it’s not suitable for your daughter. I honestly think if she can’t manage queues then somewhere like Disney is not a good idea and not suitable. It doesn’t sound like you can easily manage it logistically or financially so just cut that from your (already too complicated) plans.

Justgorgeous · 04/09/2024 22:53

Sorry to hear this, your friend really isn’t a friend. This is a really shitty and unkind thing to do to you and your daughter,

EdgarAllenRaven · 04/09/2024 22:54

You are being far too forgiving of your so-called “friend”! If she abandons you both, without a car or suitcase, or Disney, she is a total bitch. Quite frankly.
Please send her a link to some official info on Autistic meltdowns, how can she be so ignorant and prejudiced? Presumably you have not known her for long and are not particularly close?

If I was you I would be trying to salvage this holiday for the sake of DD, by educating the “friend”. Then would ditch the friend straight after.

YeahComeOnThen · 04/09/2024 22:57

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

Ask s her what time she's coming back to pick you up to go home. She cant just abandon you there when you've split the costs of the trip.

I wouldn't speak to her again once you're home.

your DD is 5, your ex friend is fucking nuts.

Wishitwasstraightforward · 04/09/2024 22:57

I'm sorry that this has happened to you OP. I really hope that after a good night's sleep your friend has calmed down.

Regardless of what happened, if she leaves you stranded then that is just awful.

I'm not sure if appropriate, but this link gives contact details of a few places that may be able to help if needed.

Deep breaths, try to get some kip and best of luck tomorrow.