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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 13:47

I've taken the paid feature off as it's become such a bone of contention. I only left it on because it was automatically on there so I just saw it as the norm to keep it there and inspire myself to do more in the future. Like I said, I could have made a wordpress page with ads and it would have made some money by now, but that's not my goal.

I could keep writing on here but no one has asked me to and I didn't wanna keep going on about my day and turn this thread into a personal diary. People asked me to write a blog, so I did. I've so enjoyed talking to other people about travel and neurodiversity I wanted to keep it going and it felt right when someone suggested it.

Mumsnet also doesn't tell you if anyone has seen your updates so it did feel like I was talking into a void and thought it was time to keep going somewhere else. I wanted to keep going because having a personal space has helped my mental health.

OP posts:
BrieHugger · 25/09/2024 14:20

Don’t take it personally @Notsurehowtoprocessthis . I think it’s great you’re getting back on your feet and I’m glad posting here helped you processed what happened in your holiday. How’s your little girl settled in at school and are you any closer to your moving date? And… have you seen the “friend”?!

hoarahloux · 25/09/2024 14:24

I personally wouldn't read an autism blog that uses a puzzle piece symbol.

https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/autism-no-puzzle-nothing-wrong-with-us/

Codlingmoths · 25/09/2024 14:39

Apolloneuro · 25/09/2024 09:33

Mmm it’s just a fortunate consequence that your problems in France has led to a writing for profit opportunity then.

If you were uncomfortable with the pushy, donation profile of Substack, why use it, or at the very least you could make it very clear you don’t want people to give you money? You didn’t, though, did you. ‘Hey everyone. I’m using an existing setup I’ve got. Please don’t give me any money; you can read for free.’

Why not set up a new thread on here. There’s threads that renew and have been going for years. Surely we’d be an ideal audience?

If you don’t mean to be twatty then I recommend you try a bit harder to not be twatty?

AnnieMcFanny · 25/09/2024 15:46

Apolloneuro · 25/09/2024 10:39

Okay well I’ve said my bit, so I’ll bow out.

Hallelujah.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 16:08

hoarahloux · 25/09/2024 14:24

I personally wouldn't read an autism blog that uses a puzzle piece symbol.

https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/autism-no-puzzle-nothing-wrong-with-us/

Thanks, I'll take it off. I had no idea, I just liked the idea of my mish mash of thoughts being represented by the puzzle pieces, and all the different parts of dd's personality being in there too.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 16:11

BrieHugger · 25/09/2024 14:20

Don’t take it personally @Notsurehowtoprocessthis . I think it’s great you’re getting back on your feet and I’m glad posting here helped you processed what happened in your holiday. How’s your little girl settled in at school and are you any closer to your moving date? And… have you seen the “friend”?!

Thank you! She's struggling at school with her mon-fri teacher, but loving Thursdays and Fridays with the more gentle teacher. I've got a meeting with the school this week, which was supposed to be about dd's struggles with the mon-wed teacher, but they've now turned the meeting into an attendance meeting because of the four days holiday and three days illness. But I've contacted my MP and the GP for some support and evidence. Haven't seen the ex-friend luckily, apart from on the school runs, but luckily I haven't really thought about her the past few days, so I think I'm healing from it, at last.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 16:13

BrieHugger · 25/09/2024 14:20

Don’t take it personally @Notsurehowtoprocessthis . I think it’s great you’re getting back on your feet and I’m glad posting here helped you processed what happened in your holiday. How’s your little girl settled in at school and are you any closer to your moving date? And… have you seen the “friend”?!

Oh and I had a moving date confirmed today for two week's time. At last! I feel I can relax now and actually pack with purpose and not worry about if I'll need each item before moving! I've started inviting some family for Christmas as well, now that it's going ahead :)

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 25/09/2024 16:33

I want to encourage you to keep writing OP. Substack is great for writers and I saw straight away there was a ‘free’ choice for followers.

Goodtogossip · 25/09/2024 17:17

Ring her asking what her plans are for collecting you to bring you home. Don't ask her IF she's coming ask what time she'll be there to collect you & where will you meet her. Mention that you're still up for going to Disneyland with her & that she can still use one of YOUR tickets if she comes with you. See what her reaction is to the fact they're your tickets & you'll still be using them regardless if she goes or not. Ask at Lost property if they have any spare luggage bags you could maybe have to pack your thing in. Remind your friend also that you paid for accommodation & her side of the deal was to cover travel. If she doesn't take you home then send her a bill for her share of accommodation & cut ties with her.

Hothotdamage · 25/09/2024 17:29

Goodtogossip · 25/09/2024 17:17

Ring her asking what her plans are for collecting you to bring you home. Don't ask her IF she's coming ask what time she'll be there to collect you & where will you meet her. Mention that you're still up for going to Disneyland with her & that she can still use one of YOUR tickets if she comes with you. See what her reaction is to the fact they're your tickets & you'll still be using them regardless if she goes or not. Ask at Lost property if they have any spare luggage bags you could maybe have to pack your thing in. Remind your friend also that you paid for accommodation & her side of the deal was to cover travel. If she doesn't take you home then send her a bill for her share of accommodation & cut ties with her.

😂

Talkingfrog · 25/09/2024 17:44

Goodtogossip · 25/09/2024 17:17

Ring her asking what her plans are for collecting you to bring you home. Don't ask her IF she's coming ask what time she'll be there to collect you & where will you meet her. Mention that you're still up for going to Disneyland with her & that she can still use one of YOUR tickets if she comes with you. See what her reaction is to the fact they're your tickets & you'll still be using them regardless if she goes or not. Ask at Lost property if they have any spare luggage bags you could maybe have to pack your thing in. Remind your friend also that you paid for accommodation & her side of the deal was to cover travel. If she doesn't take you home then send her a bill for her share of accommodation & cut ties with her.

The thread has moved on significantly since the post you must have read. The friend didn't return but op made friends with others at the site and one if then brought the car seat home.
Op and her daughter managed a day at disney.
They came home as a foot passenger on the ferry.
Op managed to get someone to retrieve her keys.
Ops daughter is back in school

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 17:47

Talkingfrog · 25/09/2024 17:44

The thread has moved on significantly since the post you must have read. The friend didn't return but op made friends with others at the site and one if then brought the car seat home.
Op and her daughter managed a day at disney.
They came home as a foot passenger on the ferry.
Op managed to get someone to retrieve her keys.
Ops daughter is back in school

I wish it had felt as smooth and lovely as that sounds 🤣

OP posts:
Talkingfrog · 25/09/2024 18:10

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 25/09/2024 17:47

I wish it had felt as smooth and lovely as that sounds 🤣

It was a very brief update 😁

LBFseBrom · 25/09/2024 19:50

I'm glad you are safe at home again, op, and sorry it was so hard for you but you seem to have coped better than most! I think I would have fallen apart.

Good luck with your move and the future. Give your 'friend' a miss from now on.

LakieLady · 25/09/2024 19:55

Great news about your move OP, it will be so nice for you both to have a long-term home at last.

DefyingGravitas · 25/09/2024 20:35

Apolloneuro · 25/09/2024 09:33

Mmm it’s just a fortunate consequence that your problems in France has led to a writing for profit opportunity then.

If you were uncomfortable with the pushy, donation profile of Substack, why use it, or at the very least you could make it very clear you don’t want people to give you money? You didn’t, though, did you. ‘Hey everyone. I’m using an existing setup I’ve got. Please don’t give me any money; you can read for free.’

Why not set up a new thread on here. There’s threads that renew and have been going for years. Surely we’d be an ideal audience?

Why not just let her get on with it? Substack is the pretty prolific writing platform of choice these days. Read or don’t read. Subscribe or don’t. I have loads of free Substack subscriptions that I read.

Trobealone · 26/09/2024 07:10

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

So long as everything is within Mumsnet terms and conditions, you’re not doing anything wrong.

It’s the trollhunters who are wrong.

I would say that I think your daughter has been utterly amazing in all of this, and you’ve helped her cope really well as her Mum.

The only thing I wouldn’t encourage is missing the start of a term for a holiday. The first few days are very important : for set up of class, introductions, class routines. I do know an ASD child who went on holiday at the end of a term, with the school’s permission.

teddyclown · 26/09/2024 07:19

Good morning OP, just wanted to add my support and say I've signed up to the blog and it's looking great. I could easily work out that there was no need to pay anything. I have followed your thread here right from the start and am amazed at how resilient and resourceful you have been. Keep on keeping on and I will be sure to follow the blog. Ignore any trolling.
🌺🌻

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 26/09/2024 12:45

I guess this is the final chapter of the journey! Me and Minnie are heading back home now.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.
OP posts:
southpawsofthenorth · 26/09/2024 13:01

Didn’t realise this thread was still going! Glad you’ve made it back to Blighty OP.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 26/09/2024 14:00

İ suddenly noticed this 'Made in France' tag and figured it was quite fitting for how I'm feeling since coming back.

As I was on a train, with my headphones in, going past fields, I obviously ended up doing quite a bit naval gazing after spotting this!

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.
OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 26/09/2024 14:42

And another rainbow for another leg of this overcoming the faff journey!

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.
OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/09/2024 15:17

Love your updates and your Substack!

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 26/09/2024 16:21

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/09/2024 15:17

Love your updates and your Substack!

Awww thank you...I love your username as well. I'm always watching Classic EastEnders on U. If you comment on the substack, let me know it's you, because the username always cheers me up!

OP posts: