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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Wishitwasstraightforward · 04/09/2024 22:58

Sorry link failed. I'll try again:

www.gov.uk/world/emergency-help-for-british-nationals-france

Coffeeisnecessary · 04/09/2024 23:05

I can't believe a friend would do this to someone, abandon them on holiday like that, it's awful. I hope they have calmed down in the morning and you can salvage the holiday but I think it would be the end of the friendship for me.

MonsteraMama · 04/09/2024 23:07

She'd be no friend of mine after this, what a cow. You're being far too forgiving imo.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 23:09

babyproblems · 04/09/2024 22:53

Erm you need to discuss this again with your friend tomorrow.
it’s not really a big deal if you can’t go to Disney. I appreciate your daughter has autism but really you sound like you don’t have many boundaries or be in control of very much at all. The fact you didn’t bring a suitcase, or seem to have enough funds to get yourself home is worrying. What would you have done if the car broke down and you had to move your belongings another way? You’ve not thought that through. What would you have done in an emergency?? Imagine your friend was ill? It seems very risky to me to travel abroad with no contingency plans, no transport and no real plan of what you would do if things went pear shaped?? Ill be honest and say I think you sound flaky and badly organised. In your position I would speak to my friend again tomorrow. And if she doesn’t want to continue the original plans, you need to just find a way that gets you home (earlier than planned or not) and avoid Disney seeing as it’s not suitable for your daughter. I honestly think if she can’t manage queues then somewhere like Disney is not a good idea and not suitable. It doesn’t sound like you can easily manage it logistically or financially so just cut that from your (already too complicated) plans.

İ couldn't bring a suitcase as it wouldn't fit in the car! I never said that I don't have funds, just that it would be expensive and I've already paid for my half of the holiday and wasn't planning on any extra massive expenses. We both have insurance had she fallen ill and she had European break down cover which would have taken our belongings to a hotel in their bags, without a suitcase.

I can get myself home it's just going to be massively stressful and expensive and not much of a holiday having to plan and work it all out.

İt's just gutting because I was having such a lovely time and it's my first holiday that I could enjoy in a long time.

OP posts:
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 23:11

Blueblell · 04/09/2024 22:44

I think your friend would be really out of order not to drive you home even if you end up staying the rest of the week in Separate accommodation. Hopefully everything will calm down after a good nights sleep. Are your sharing a caravan?

Yeah we are :)

OP posts:
Exasperateddonut · 04/09/2024 23:13

Where abouts in the U.K. do you live? Are you close to an airport there?

If you’re near Disney Paris then your other option is to fly home. You might find a one way ticket at a crappy hour to be much cheaper than different trains and ferry crossings. The Eurostar also has some cheap tickets currently. Buses are really cheap in France and if you’re that close to Paris then it might be worth looking into that.

im sure the collective mumsnet brain will be able to get you back and make the most of your holiday. Don’t give up on it. If it costs a bit more and it’s affordable then make the best of it and have a great time. You can do this!

Normallynumb · 04/09/2024 23:15

Your friend sounds like a bitch
I get she was worried about her DD, but she overreacted hugely imo
Hopefully you can message her in the morning and discuss the rest of the holiday.
Google your nearest supermarket etc
You will be able to buy a wheeled suitcase there I'm sure
SNCF will have a train app if needed

Exasperateddonut · 04/09/2024 23:20

Only because I am procrastinating doing any work at all and it’s now too late to start….

the TGV to Charles de Gaulle airport is 9mins. And if you’re at the camp site that sounds rural, the bus to Disney is €4. M

A one way ticket from CDG to Gatwick is £35 for Monday.

make a rough plan in case it all goes tits up. The crack on with your holiday.

48Hourss · 04/09/2024 23:21

If you paid for the accommodation and her the transport, she still needs to pay for the transport. How can you cancel the transport booking if your friend sorted it? What a shit friend she is.

Tinkeebell · 04/09/2024 23:22

wheresthebigcarrot · 04/09/2024 22:32

If you're at Berny Rivière there is a shuttle to Disneyland.

Your friend sounds like a dick. Are you in separate tents / caravans?

Also did you really only go with 2 bags? We needed a whole cars worth of stuff for a week!!

Thinking the same about the friend.
Not a very grown up way to deal with things, and even worse to do that to the children.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/09/2024 23:23

Flix bus is pretty cheap.

Pieandchips999 · 04/09/2024 23:25

I would at least ask her to leave you a suitcase pointing out how entirely stranded you are going to be!

Flowery57 · 04/09/2024 23:27

babyproblems · 04/09/2024 22:53

Erm you need to discuss this again with your friend tomorrow.
it’s not really a big deal if you can’t go to Disney. I appreciate your daughter has autism but really you sound like you don’t have many boundaries or be in control of very much at all. The fact you didn’t bring a suitcase, or seem to have enough funds to get yourself home is worrying. What would you have done if the car broke down and you had to move your belongings another way? You’ve not thought that through. What would you have done in an emergency?? Imagine your friend was ill? It seems very risky to me to travel abroad with no contingency plans, no transport and no real plan of what you would do if things went pear shaped?? Ill be honest and say I think you sound flaky and badly organised. In your position I would speak to my friend again tomorrow. And if she doesn’t want to continue the original plans, you need to just find a way that gets you home (earlier than planned or not) and avoid Disney seeing as it’s not suitable for your daughter. I honestly think if she can’t manage queues then somewhere like Disney is not a good idea and not suitable. It doesn’t sound like you can easily manage it logistically or financially so just cut that from your (already too complicated) plans.

The entire holiday sounds a nightmare from the beginning. Why would you go abroad with just carrier bags and a school bag?
Get yourself a suitcase and get the train home. You need to gain control of the situation for your daughter’s sake.

WonderingWanda · 04/09/2024 23:28

Your friend is of course entitled to space but she is rather leaving you in the shit by abandoning you at the eurocamp. If she really has already headed off to Disney I think you need to make plans to travel there on your own (try and find a bus) but text her tomorrow with something like this:

"It is clear you don't understand the nature of dd's autism and meltdowns anddo appreciate that it can be a bit much so understand why you want some space However, I'm really upset that you have decided to do this by leaving us with no way of getting home and having taken our Disney tickets with you. I can't even begin to explain how disappointed and confused dd is about all of this. Are you planning to return my Disney tickets or give us a lift home? It does seem to be a rather dramatic response when we could've just looked at booking a separate caravan"

Depending on her response you could then make a plan with her or reply to explain that you will be forced to cancel her ferry ticket home to enable you and your dd to make your way home. She is a rubbish friend op.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 04/09/2024 23:31

Playing devils advocate hers as an autistic person myself.

did you tell your friend about your child’s (possible) meltdowns before going on this trip?

readysteadynono · 04/09/2024 23:33

No good advice but I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your friend has behaved so badly. Sending a hug. I think you are entitled to do whatever you need to to get home safely without breaking the bank.

Tuulippes · 04/09/2024 23:35

If you’re near Disney maybe getting the eurostar back to the uk would be easier? ( depending on prices) or even a flight from Charles de gaulle or orly ? could you order a suitcase from amaz and get a quick delivery to the campsite? Hope everything’s calmed down by tomorrow though.

IWasHittingMyMarks · 04/09/2024 23:37

herecomesthesondodedoodoo · 04/09/2024 22:42

If your friend leaves you stranded in another country, because your autistic daughter had a rare meltdown, then she is a massive cunt! You're being far too kind to your 'freind's' feelings here. Even if she's changed her mind in the morning, the fact a friend even threatened to abandon you both would be friendship ending for me. I hope you find a way to get home safely with your daughter.

100%

I'd message her now and tell her that you and your daughter will be using the Disney tickets your friend provided to you since she's left you stranded.

I'd cancel the ferry and re book using your discount.

KekseKekse · 04/09/2024 23:59

IWasHittingMyMarks · 04/09/2024 23:37

100%

I'd message her now and tell her that you and your daughter will be using the Disney tickets your friend provided to you since she's left you stranded.

I'd cancel the ferry and re book using your discount.

OP, don't do this until you have spoken with your friend.

Your friend didn't want to stay in the same accommodation as you after what happened to her child and your's child's reaction to it.

Which is not unreasonable if your friend has a lot going on in her life and is not totally enjoying the holiday.

They have not said anything yet about travelling back from France without you. You appear to be catastrophising about something that may not happen.

If she has previously been a good friend she will arrange to meet up with you both for some of the holiday. They just need their own space and will hopefully arrange to pick you both up for the return journey.

So don't do anything for now until you talk things through!

Lovefromjuliaxo · 05/09/2024 00:01

I just said what I said, as if you didn’t, or if she knew said child was autistic and not about the meltdowns (not all autistic children have them), it can be quite distressing, overwhelming and scary (especially for another child) to see a autistic person have a meltdown. I am autistic, and I genuinely think if I had a NT child who didn’t understand autism yet, and I hadn’t had a chance to explain as the mother hadn’t told me about the meltdowns, I too would want to get out of there. The mother may be concerned incase her daughter hurts herself again (as all kids do) and your child has another. Or concerned that it could happen in Disneyland if your child finds it overwhelming.

ive not been to Disney world/ land but I would defo check if you can definitely still get tickets if you aren’t booked in yet. I also agree with PP that theme parks can be overwhelming for those who are autistic. Especially Disney which can be super busy especially at this time of year. Disney should’ve been booked and paid for, and alternative travel should’ve been looked at (buses trains) incase the car broke down or something before you told your child and got their hopes up.

I also would’ve made a contingency plan to get home in case anything had happened, your friend took unwell or god forbid there was an accident. Especially with a child with autism.

I don’t agree with what your friend did, but I think it was partly shock and heat of the moment stress. I would talk again in the morning.

BreadInCaptivity · 05/09/2024 00:03

I think you need to speak to your friend in the morning and clarify exactly what her plans are.

The deal was you booked the accommodation and she dealt with the transport. If she is now refusing to take you back to the UK you need to ask her how she intends to compensate you for this in terms of buying suitcases and travel tickets.

This isn't as simple as her changing plans to suit herself. It has a massive impact on you and your DD.

Hopefully she hasn't booked anything and is just having a moment. Or are very least she is planning to stay elsewhere then come back to pick you up to return to the UK.

But if she has (and it sounds like she has) then unless she honours her promise to sort the travel then all bets are off and I'd absolutely change the ferry booking in your favour and recind the offer of the Disney tickets (can you get your friend who offered them to cancel them and issue you new ones so she can't use them - or at least say that's what you intend to do in light of her actions).

Frankly I find her reaction really cruel. Stranding a friend and their child abroad is beyond shitty. Even threatening it is.

Add to that having built up Disney for both children and putting you in a position that makes it difficult to fulfill is really awful.

Sadly I think unless she apologises tomorrow and agrees not to leave you in the lurch then you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself and DD even if it inconveniences/costs her - as she clearly doesn't care about doing that to you.

I'm honestly pretty shocked anyone could consider doing this tbh.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 05/09/2024 00:05

BreadInCaptivity · 05/09/2024 00:03

I think you need to speak to your friend in the morning and clarify exactly what her plans are.

The deal was you booked the accommodation and she dealt with the transport. If she is now refusing to take you back to the UK you need to ask her how she intends to compensate you for this in terms of buying suitcases and travel tickets.

This isn't as simple as her changing plans to suit herself. It has a massive impact on you and your DD.

Hopefully she hasn't booked anything and is just having a moment. Or are very least she is planning to stay elsewhere then come back to pick you up to return to the UK.

But if she has (and it sounds like she has) then unless she honours her promise to sort the travel then all bets are off and I'd absolutely change the ferry booking in your favour and recind the offer of the Disney tickets (can you get your friend who offered them to cancel them and issue you new ones so she can't use them - or at least say that's what you intend to do in light of her actions).

Frankly I find her reaction really cruel. Stranding a friend and their child abroad is beyond shitty. Even threatening it is.

Add to that having built up Disney for both children and putting you in a position that makes it difficult to fulfill is really awful.

Sadly I think unless she apologises tomorrow and agrees not to leave you in the lurch then you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself and DD even if it inconveniences/costs her - as she clearly doesn't care about doing that to you.

I'm honestly pretty shocked anyone could consider doing this tbh.

Disney should’ve been booked and paid for already before op told her child, op says she hasn’t actually booked her tickets yet.

RedPalace · 05/09/2024 00:06

Taking a breath here, surely your friend can take your stuff back even if you end up travelling separately? Just take a small bag with necessities.

However, the main thing is for you and friend to talk like adults not get into a ping pong of text messages especially if you're both currently in the same caravan. Is there any way the kids can be entertained tomorrow while you both work out a plan to get home, be it time apart then travel back together, travel separately or whatever.

CreamLampshade · 05/09/2024 00:12

Your friend would be horrible if she left you like that. Hope she doesn’t.

BreadInCaptivity · 05/09/2024 00:30

@Lovefromjuliaxo

Re: your comment "Disney should’ve been booked and paid for already before op told her child, op says she hasn’t actually booked her tickets yet."

If you read the OP's posts she has got free tickets from a friend whose DH works for Disney.

"Another friend gave me two free tickets because her hubby works for Disney, which I was going to share with my friend and we were going to buy a child ticket each. I hadn't used the free tickets to book a date yet. I had emailed my friend the two free tickets to print out for us and I'm hoping she doesn't use them for herself. "

She also did not want to tell her child until they were en route to Disney:

"The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either. "