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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

272 replies

Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:18

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
User364837 · 03/09/2024 18:19

Bit of a red flag that your DH has a problem with it. I think it’s up to you and that shouldn’t factor in your decision- why does he feel threatened by it?

Keeva2017 · 03/09/2024 18:21

At 30 your ds is old enough to accept your adult choices and 2 seperate meals is fine. Are you expected to pay for your impoverished ex?

User364837 · 03/09/2024 18:21

“I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.”

I think since so many years have passed it would be nice if you could do that, but if you feel you or he can’t then that’s how it is.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/09/2024 18:22

I think your son is being completely unreasonable if he’s expecting you to pay for this man!

If your son wants lunch with him for his birthday-brilliant, they can go together whenever they want. Either of them can pay for it.

48Hourss · 03/09/2024 18:23

I think if he looks at him as a father, YABU to not be in the same room as him. And it's a red flag how your DH feels about it.

Marmaladelover · 03/09/2024 18:23

Does the ex expect you to pay . If you tell DS that the ex will be expected to pay for his own meal maybe he won’t come ! Sounds like DS is expecting you will pay ?

Borninabarn32 · 03/09/2024 18:26

You invited your son to lunch. He then invited someone else. Doesn't matter who that person is, that's rude. You don't extend someone else's invite.

Does he expect you to pay for your exes meal too (the talk of his finances).

Borninabarn32 · 03/09/2024 18:27

If it was a larger family meal. With siblings and partners it'd be acceptable to expect you to be at the same table as your ex. But a meal with DS, EX and you is just wierd.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 03/09/2024 18:28

He should pay for his own food, but it is better for your son if you can both be in the same room together. What if your son was hosting a celebration, would you not turn up if ex is? What if your son gets married, has a child or gets unwell? Would you really not see him, or future generations, if he is there too?

What on earth is the objection from your husband? Is he threatened by someone you dumped a decade and a half ago and haven't spoken to in years? Seems disproportionate.

Original poster
Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:29

Keeva2017 · 03/09/2024 18:21

At 30 your ds is old enough to accept your adult choices and 2 seperate meals is fine. Are you expected to pay for your impoverished ex?

That's part of my problem. DS sprang ex on me for his 26th birthday lunch. Ex sat there pleading poverty & said couldn't afford anything except the cheapest starter. All rather awkward &, in the interest of keeping things amicable, I picked up the bill. Ex then decided that he wanted a 'proper' drink, he & DS shared a bottle of wine. I was driving so was only on the coke. DH knows about this which is one of the reasons why he's so against the whole idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:30

Borninabarn32 · 03/09/2024 18:27

If it was a larger family meal. With siblings and partners it'd be acceptable to expect you to be at the same table as your ex. But a meal with DS, EX and you is just wierd.

Trouble is no siblings DS not currently partnered. Would just be the 3 of us.

OP posts:
AuntieJoyce · 03/09/2024 18:30

Me, I’d take great pleasure in ordering really expensive food and wine for myself and DS just to piss ex off. Whilst he sits there with his starter. But then I’m a twat

CheeseandOnionCrispFan · 03/09/2024 18:31

I'd do it for your son. You've said it's amicable. Also, it has nothing to do with your dh. Your son wants his Mum & the nearest he had yo a Dad - I think you should go and do what your son wants for his birthday.

Rollorock · 03/09/2024 18:33

That’s just awkward, if you can tolerate his presence at all let your DS know you can pay for yourself and half of his birthday meal but you’ll split the cost of his meal with his Dad and his Dad of course can pay for himself :) I think that will be a sufficient deterrent.

Or of course just stick to your guns and firmly say no. It’s not fair him trying to impose your ex on you all these years later.

As a pp said it would be different maybe in a larger gathering but not just the three of you. I do appreciate it’s hard for your son but just no.

Whatifitallgoesright · 03/09/2024 18:36

30 year old son needs to understand his parents got divorced and he has a separate relationship with each of them. He can surely have a perfectly pleasant cheap and cheerful meal with just his Dad which they could split and you can shout him and him only to a posher one for you two. Ignore the sulking.

OneFastDuck · 03/09/2024 18:36

I would go and order lovely things and fancy drinks but then whoops, wallet forgotten! Well I suppose as you got the last birthday meal it's his turn. Lots of thank yous, and you're so generous so he can't turn around and say he won't pay.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 03/09/2024 18:36

It’s not ideal but I think you might have to suck it up as son’s 30th Birthday
Make sure ex pays for himself - contact him beforehand to confirm this ?
For his 40th take him somewhere the ex can’t travel to 👍

TheCultureHusks · 03/09/2024 18:37

‘As I recall, it’s his turn to pay. And to drive. Do you want to check he’s ok with that first?’

😎

Howmyhairlookman · 03/09/2024 18:38

TheCultureHusks · 03/09/2024 18:37

‘As I recall, it’s his turn to pay. And to drive. Do you want to check he’s ok with that first?’

😎

This!

Original poster
Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:38

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 03/09/2024 18:28

He should pay for his own food, but it is better for your son if you can both be in the same room together. What if your son was hosting a celebration, would you not turn up if ex is? What if your son gets married, has a child or gets unwell? Would you really not see him, or future generations, if he is there too?

What on earth is the objection from your husband? Is he threatened by someone you dumped a decade and a half ago and haven't spoken to in years? Seems disproportionate.

Long story about DH's objections. Lots of reasons one is that ex took redundancy without telling me. We worked at same place (both civil servants) & I heard about it from colleagues. Since then ex has been in touch asking me for loans as has spent all his (£30K) redundancy on impressing girlfriends & fancy holidays. Obviously I said no way & suggested that he get a job - McDonalds are always recruiting LOL!

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 03/09/2024 18:39

Sounds like your ex is a CF.
I'm surprised your son didn't clock his crappy behaviour last time round. Maybe it's time to have an adult conversation with your son about his first step father. He's old enough now to understand and respect your feelings about him.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2024 18:40

Your son is being completely unreasonable and very, very immature. At his age, he should be able to appreciate that you have your reasons for not wanting to socialise with your ex-husband. The fact that it's his birthday is irrelevant. He's not five years old, for goodness sake, we can't always get everything we want.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/09/2024 18:42

I don't blame you for refusing after last time Op, you know full well your Ex is likely to pull the same stunt and expect you to pay. I wouldn't address it just yet since it's your DS's birthday but if it becomes an issue between you I'd tell him why you don't want to pay for your Ex. Why you divorced may not be your DS's business but he's a grown man now and it might be better if he can understand why you feel this way, at the moment he probably doesn't understand and thinks you're being unkind.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 03/09/2024 18:44

I would just suck it up and accept it as part of DS's 30th treat

GRex · 03/09/2024 18:44

For DS's wedding, grandchildren's events (christening, birthday) and funerals - yes, you have to suck it up. A birthday for a grown adult - no. DS needs to understand boundaries. Might it help to tell him you'll suck it up for the significant events but expect separate lunches for 30th? If ex has no money then sandwiches at home, there isn't a need to leech off you at any opportunity.