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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

272 replies

Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:18

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Amazonmulu · 03/09/2024 20:33

I'm glad DS has got in touch and you will see him separately for his birthday.

With everything you have mentioned raising complicated feelings around his 30th, hi MH problems, complicated father figure, I really wouldn't show him this thread. Enjoy your time with him and let him celebrate the milestone without family revelations via a MN thread.

Todaysbetterthanyesterday · 03/09/2024 20:40

Just take the moral high ground and agree to the meal. Under the circumstances I would do this for my son bc this birthday is likely especially hard for him.

Does your ex feel he’s entitled to something for his role in your son’s life?

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 20:42

The high ground to take is to maintain your very healthy and reasonable boundaries.
You son quite frankly needs a telling off, he isn't a child anymore and should treat you with the appropriate respect.
Ask him how he would feel if he offered to take you out for lunch and you sprang one of his exes out for it because you really liked him/her.

I wouldn't be offering taking him out again if he thinks this is ok to do, seriously op what's wrong with him.

Ap42 · 03/09/2024 20:48

Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:30

Trouble is no siblings DS not currently partnered. Would just be the 3 of us.

Show quote history

That's bloody awkward. It would be a no from me. I've had meals out with my ex for the sake of the children... difference being is that they were 4 and 7 at the time. Your son is 30, he needs to respect your choices. He can have separate lunches, more celebrations that way too.

DinosaurMunch · 03/09/2024 20:48

I would go for the meal. You're obviously pretty well off (due to your new husband's wealth?) and can afford £30 for a meal for your ex. Consider it an extra present for your son.

I do think you should tell your son something about the reasons for the divorce. Being honest and factual with an independent adult is not the same as trying to turn a child against their father.

In general, secrets are bad and age appropriate truth is best. That's why adopted children are now told about their background from an early age.

Neverneverneveragain · 03/09/2024 20:50

I am glad to hear to have rearranged and will not be having to sit down with ex and son having awkward and tricky conversations which would defeat the purpose of the celebration. Your son will understand that it is better for him to meet with you both separately

Rubyandscarlett · 03/09/2024 20:54

If it was a wesding then yes l would say suck ot up bit a birthday? Yanbu

Original poster
Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 21:02

DinosaurMunch · 03/09/2024 20:48

I would go for the meal. You're obviously pretty well off (due to your new husband's wealth?) and can afford £30 for a meal for your ex. Consider it an extra present for your son.

I do think you should tell your son something about the reasons for the divorce. Being honest and factual with an independent adult is not the same as trying to turn a child against their father.

In general, secrets are bad and age appropriate truth is best. That's why adopted children are now told about their background from an early age.

Thank you for your input. However, my DH's income is very much his business. We have a joint account for household stuff, but over that my earnings are mine & his income from investments are his. When we go on holiday we go 50/50. I know how much he has invested & what his income is. But it's his - he built up his business over 20 years of hard work & his marriage suffered as a result (he admits that he neglected his ex in favour of the business, but not an excuse to cheat).

OP posts:
Msmbc · 03/09/2024 21:13

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 20:42

The high ground to take is to maintain your very healthy and reasonable boundaries.
You son quite frankly needs a telling off, he isn't a child anymore and should treat you with the appropriate respect.
Ask him how he would feel if he offered to take you out for lunch and you sprang one of his exes out for it because you really liked him/her.

I wouldn't be offering taking him out again if he thinks this is ok to do, seriously op what's wrong with him.

It's not "one of her exes" - it's his dad! He wants to mark this occasion with his mum and his dad together, and I think it's really sad given the circumstances the OP has described that she won't do it. I would 100% say yes of course we will both be there, as long as it's clear under no circumstances will I pay for him.

Rollorock · 03/09/2024 21:17

Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 21:02

Thank you for your input. However, my DH's income is very much his business. We have a joint account for household stuff, but over that my earnings are mine & his income from investments are his. When we go on holiday we go 50/50. I know how much he has invested & what his income is. But it's his - he built up his business over 20 years of hard work & his marriage suffered as a result (he admits that he neglected his ex in favour of the business, but not an excuse to cheat).

Show quote history

And irrespective of how much money you do or don’t have access to it’s understandable why you wouldn’t want your ex to freeload off you again. It’s the principal of the thing. If your ex really ensure to spend time with the man he regards as his son he will scrape some money together and take him out.

I don’t think your son needs to read the whole thread, the stuff about sex may be too much but perhaps it’s time to hint at the financial problems. Honestly because what kind of guy comes into a single mothers life and then tries to live off her and is still trying to get money out of you even after you’ve moved on ? Such gross behaviour.

Maybe then he’ll understand your reluctance to listen to your ex moan about money and “forget his wallet” again.

HeliotropePJs · 03/09/2024 21:23

At 30, DS is old enough to understand that while he may still care for your ExH, that doesn't mean you do, nor should you be forced into awkward meals with just him and your son. I think it would be different if it were a larger party of friends and family, but a small group of just the three of you sounds uncomfortable. Would your son even actually enjoy a meal together when it's clear you're not on the best of terms? You son should meet with each of you separately.

Arconialiving · 03/09/2024 21:25

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2024 18:40

Your son is being completely unreasonable and very, very immature. At his age, he should be able to appreciate that you have your reasons for not wanting to socialise with your ex-husband. The fact that it's his birthday is irrelevant. He's not five years old, for goodness sake, we can't always get everything we want.

This!

Telephonewiresabove · 03/09/2024 21:48

Your son was a 5 year old who had no say when you chose to bring this man into both of your lives and to let him take on a father type role to your son - they managed to form a lasting bond.
It seems unreasonable of you to think you can place limits on their relationship now that it doesn’t suit you. (And to say no to this does place a limit on their relationship because he wants lunch with his father and mother. He doesn’t see this man as your annoying ex - it’s his dad ).

it’s your son’s birthday, it’s a lunch - it would obviously be a difficult lunch for you and I know it’s not something you want to do, but, in the circumstances, it is something that you should do for your him. If you do go I hope it’s not too awful for you and your son enjoys his lunch.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/09/2024 21:58

Stick to your guns OP, let them go out and organise something for you and your son separately.

Hmmmm2018 · 03/09/2024 22:32

Essentially it is your Adult sons birthday and he gets to choose who to invite, and it's perfectly appropriate for that to include the person that he sees as "Dad". Your current husband has no reason to be upset at who your son invites to his birthday.

Hmmmm2018 · 03/09/2024 22:42

As a child I had one step mother who was actually nice and let us spend time with our "family" ( mum, dad and siblings) without her. At the time I didn't appreciate how kind of her that was, it was really special to have lovely time just the 4 of us without her. Sadly dad's next wife was less welcoming

WhoDaThinkIt · 03/09/2024 22:45

#team DH.

Toomanyemails · 03/09/2024 22:47

I see you've chosen what to do, but I would have really recommended putting all your and exH's stuff to one side and giving DS a meal with (what he sees as) his parents. Turning 30 is a time where many of my friends were going through a lot and evaluated our family relationships, never mind what your son may be going through. Not having siblings or a partner makes it extra hard, even if he has good friends and other support. Your DH should understand that DS comes first here. My DP's parents are long divorced and one can't stand the other, DP knows the background and accepts that one is very much in the wrong, but it has meant so much to DP on the occasions when they've been civil in the same room. Your DS isn't asking for this as a regular thing, it's been years.

You could remind exH, directly or via DS, to bring his card and pay for himself (I liked a pp's suggestion of "as I recall it's your turn to pay"!). If he doesn't or pleads poverty at the event, shut it down as firmly as you can without making a scene ("just order a starter then", "tonight isn't about you", if he orders wine after claiming not to have his card, go up to the bar, cancel the wine and explain he's not got a card and you're not paying for it)

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 22:49

Msmbc · 03/09/2024 21:13

It's not "one of her exes" - it's his dad! He wants to mark this occasion with his mum and his dad together, and I think it's really sad given the circumstances the OP has described that she won't do it. I would 100% say yes of course we will both be there, as long as it's clear under no circumstances will I pay for him.

Show quote history

As a child, teenager or 21st then I'd agree but this is a 30yr old adult and he knows his mother's feelings, it is unacceptable and inappropriate to deliberately impose and ask her for this, it's selfish and unnecessary. I also don't see where op mentioned for him to invite a friend or someone, this was supposed to be lunch with mother and son, very rude.

He can have separate celebrations with them both, it's time for him to accept his mother has no relationship with this man.

Toomanyemails · 03/09/2024 22:55

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 20:42

The high ground to take is to maintain your very healthy and reasonable boundaries.
You son quite frankly needs a telling off, he isn't a child anymore and should treat you with the appropriate respect.
Ask him how he would feel if he offered to take you out for lunch and you sprang one of his exes out for it because you really liked him/her.

I wouldn't be offering taking him out again if he thinks this is ok to do, seriously op what's wrong with him.

It would be so inappropriate to tell off her son, what a callous comment! He's not springing a random ex on her, that's a completely different scenario to wanting to be with the two people who raised him on a significant and emotional day. ExH sounds annoying rather than abusive, if it were the latter it would be completely fair to want to avoid him completely but as it is, he's someone who OP introduced to her son's life from the age of 5, she can't expect zero contact with him. If DS sees him as a father figure, the ideal scenario is to work out how to be civil with him so that DS doesn't have to worry about how hard weddings/future family events will be (which is a huge concern for lots of children of divorced parents I know)

Whenwillitgetwarm · 03/09/2024 22:56

Please don’t show DS the thread. He shouldn’t be finding out personal information on Mumsnet.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 23:00

The only reason this man is still involved with ops son is to keep his foot in the door to gain access to her.

That's the reality, he isn't some selfless do gooder, he's just an average financially abusive down on his luck opportunist.

I bet once this 30yr old man child earns a decent wage he will start to be the one that gets hit up for funds, perhaps then he will realise why his mother drew her line in the sand.

crockofshite · 03/09/2024 23:06

Ibloodylovetea · 03/09/2024 18:59

OK Thank you all for your input. Just texted DS & said if he wants to go out to lunch with ex they're welcome to the table that I've booked & I will be in touch about arranging an alternative. But let me know this week if they don't want to do that as I will need to cancel the table x

Perfect.

DS can't go inviting extra people to lunch when he's not hosting.

BettyBardMacDonald · 03/09/2024 23:13

Whatifitallgoesright · 03/09/2024 18:36

30 year old son needs to understand his parents got divorced and he has a separate relationship with each of them. He can surely have a perfectly pleasant cheap and cheerful meal with just his Dad which they could split and you can shout him and him only to a posher one for you two. Ignore the sulking.

Exactly this. He's not 10 years old.

Very rude of him to alter the plan. Stick to your preferences, OP.

Bigcat25 · 03/09/2024 23:15

Since you plan to show your son the thread it's probably unnecessary to say but he likely doesn't realize how bad and unfair your relation with your ex was to you. It's confusing when someone can be a bad match for person A (you) but a reasonably good dad to person B. (your son) If it was going to make my relationship with my son way worse I'd probably go, but I can certainly see why you don't want to. I don't think your H should get involved.