To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

Since you plan to show your son the thread it's probably unnecessary to say but he likely doesn't realize how bad and unfair your relation with your ex was to you. It's confusing when someone can be a bad match for person A (you) but a reasonably good dad to person B. (your son) If it was going to make my relationship with my son way worse I'd probably go, but I can certainly see why you don't want to. I don't think your H should get involved.

Since you plan to show your son the thread it's probably unnecessary to say but he likely doesn't realize how bad and unfair your relation with your ex was to you. It's confusing when someone can be a bad match for person A (you) but a reasonably good dad to person B. (your son) If it was going to make my relationship with my son way worse I'd probably go, but I can certainly see why you don't want to. I don't think your H should get involved.

Your son should have two separate meals if you don't want to have lunch with your ex. X

The ex is not his dad though.

Of course YANBU.

Your ds is not a child.
You no longer need to have anything to do with your (long divorced) exh, unless your ds gets married or has dc. Let alone go for lunch with him. Your ds is being somewhat immature to have invited him.

@Ibloodylovetea

I wouldn't show DS this thread. You've shared a lot on it about him and he may feel his privacy has been invaded (albeit anonymously). You've also shared a lot about your divorce from his 'dad'/stepdad that he may not want to know.

You've already told him you don't want to sit at a table with your ex. I think I'd follow that up with "Son, there are things that happened in the marriage that you don't know about*. You can either take my word for it that I have good reason not to want to share a meal with your 'dad' or I can lay it all out for you. Your decision. I love you with my entire heart, but for my own wellbeing nothing you say will make me change my mind. I'm happy for you to have whatever relationship with him that you choose to. But you must respect that I will not be part of it".

*you can add 'but violence and cheating weren't an issue' assuming that's true.

This is the key point.

To all those saying 'but what if it were his wedding' or 'he can invite whoever wants to his birthday' - he can indeed invite anybody he likes to any event he is hosting. He is not hosting this lunch, so has no right to invite anybody.

If he was really desperate to do so he should have asked his mother first whether it would be OK, before saying a word to his stepdad.

it isn’t a red flag at all that your DH feels like this. I would feel the exact same. Sometimes I find children and adults who’ve come from separated parents find it nearly a novelty to have everyone together I.e. the split parties and it’s usually an inner child thing. As if it’s something they’ve wanted from being a child and now have a reason/excuse to justify it.

Tell him what a loser your ex is.
Any chance the ex is looking for your son to help him financially?

OP arranged the meal, if he wanted extra people there he should've asked OP. And her DH has every reason to be annoyed, the ex is not a good person

Your DS can have two separate meals. If it was a party, I would say sick it up and you do not need to spend time with this guy. But at a dinner for 3, that is too much time forced to sit by each other.
I suppose your DS did not think of it being bad enough you do not want to sit through lunch with him.
What your husband thinks though has zero to do with this.

I certainly wouldn’t be paying for him, and I would make that clear ahead of time. I think if your DS is that keen for his father figure to come he should pay for him himself.

My parents split up when I was 30. I was an adult so should have been able to deal with it. But for things like birthdays and Christmas it was incredibly hard not having both of them there. My DH tried to help me rationalise things but for some reason I just reverted back to childhood!
Now I have adult children, have an ex husband and current husband (1 child with each) and would always put their feelings ahead of my own, because I know what it feels like when dealing with tricky relationships.
As much as you dislike your ex, is this the time to make a point? It’s your son’s birthday, he would like to have a meal with the 2 of you. Is that really so awful? If so, how will you tell DS?

She's already told him

No, your son is 30, he is a grown man and should know by now that he doesn’t get to trample other peoples boundaries just because it’s his birthday. If he was 14 I would understand, but at 30, he needs to be an adult about it.

Very well put.

This

Tricky. As your son has done this in the past he clearly wants his mum and who he feels is his dad to celebrate his birthday together. That’s a fair request and if I was in your position I’d try to accommodate it for his sake.

the money issue is seperate however. You have no responsibility to shoulder the full cost. Either you can decide you will just for an easy life in which case choose somewhere relatively cheap and drive and stipulate you’re not paying for booze. Or start a what’s app chat with both ex and son and say something like…. Since it’s sons birthday treat I’m assuming ex and I will be splitting the bill - do you <ex> want to pick somewhere in your budget or shall I choose. Make it clear if he’s coming he’s paying half. Either way you can presumably treat son to a nicer lunch without ex and it might not be officially his birthday it still can be in your mind.

Or maybe this is better. Your call OP

Be upfront with your ds about why you left. He’s 30 not 3 and while he might love him as a dad it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to facilitate his birthday like this.

OP I am sure you have had lots of advice and opinions on here. As a 44yr old whose parents divorced fairly amicably 30yrs ago, I would absolutely love to have lunch with my mum and dad. It might seem a simple thing to some, but I haven’t been for even a cup of tea with my mum and dad, as an adult, ever.

It would mean the world to me.

As a 37 year old with parents separated and then divorced since I was 3 I’ve never had my parents sit down for lunch together either but wouldn’t ever ask it. And if I did ask and they said no I’d get it.

You do you, OP.

He’s old enough to “get it” too and you’ve been shielding him for long enough.

You invited your son to lunch. He then invited someone else. Doesn't matter who that person is, that's rude. You don't extend someone else's invite.

This.

Frankly I surprised you are doing dinner again - and not something else - like play with tickets you buy - to head off this happening again.

I also bit surprised you didn't at least mention previous financial attitude of ex contributed to divorce and you being hurt - and possible this meal being it all back up for you. Not going into details but mentioning it was uncomfortable reminder and briefly why - he's an adult now he should be able to understand..

I was taught not to explain or put my side and found usually other side often actively stating their's to all and sundry and silence gives credence to them - so I do wonder what if anything ex has said that makes your DS think this is acceptable way to behave - has he manage to imply his financial woes are your doing and so your son thinks you at least owe him an expensive meal.

DS 30th and his father death are awkward and stressful additional factors - and I can see current DH point out some truths to ex would be unfortunately at this dinner but more generally - perhaps it wouldn't be end of the world.

Even if it meant an uncomfortable 90mins for everyone, filled with - at best - awkward silences, but potentially sniping or even angry exchanges ?

How is that going to be pleasurable for you, or for either of them ?

It sounds like you like the idea of what you would like it to be, not the reality of what it would be.

I flip-flopped several times as I was reading it and landed on YANBU and neither is your DH who is trying to save you from a repeat of the 26th birthday where you were taken advantage of.

Your son was rude to invite someone else to a lunch that you were hosting. If your ex were in a different financial situation, then I think it would have been nice to get together to celebrate him together, but as he has form for taking advantage, then it's a NO.