To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

Lots of people don’t. And to be honest if I married someone who had built up a business and savings long before we got together, and I had had no input into it, I don’t think I’d expect to benefit from it beyond going 50/50 on everything.

Lots of people judging OP’s DH as controlling, whereas if they bothered to read OP’s updates they would realise his concerns are valid, given that ex has financially abused OP in the past.

As long as I did not have to pay for the Ex, I would do this for the benefit of son.

If Ex is going to belittle you or be abusive in any way and has form for that I would not do it.

I'd also give the honest reasons to son as to why you declined if that's the case. ( Above situation)

( Apologies for not reading all thread)

Really?

It might be the sons birthday, but it's op that invited him to lunch and organised it. It's not a big get together - it's a lunch for two people.

If you would honestly be happy for your party of two, that you organised, to become a party of three, one of whom a) you don't want to have anything to do with because they treated you badly and b) will probably expect you to pay, then I don't understand you at all.

I totally agree! By that age one's child needs to understand that the time has come for them to realize that their parent no longer needs to put them first in all things. That parents have the right to determine their own actions based on what is right for them.

Of course as parents we help our adult children with life's troubles when and where we can. But we needn't sacrifice our principles nor our MH or wellbeing to do so. We aren't martyrs, so to say "No, I can't do that" is an acceptable answer. My adult children understand and accept that there are times we say yes and times we must say no. It's time OP's son realized that.

It's a long row to hoe if we've been giving into everything they ask all their lives. I'm watching a dear friend trying to swim upstream with one of her children who is basically demanding money and time to the point it threatens to bankrupt her, financially and mentally. I offer what emotional support I can, but I still worry that she won't be able to hold out against the anger and emotional blackmail.

Don't show him this thread.

Why don't you bring current husband and explain to him that you are dreading this meal, but you feel you have to go for your son. You want hubby along for morale support. That ought to placate hubby and keep ex-hubby out of harms way...

I was going to say exactly this.

Why is it a red flag? Not sure I would be thrilled about the idea, the OP doesn't really want her ex there either. It's possible to take other people's feelings into consideration without being dictated to.

Ultimately it's the son's big occasion I would just go with his wishes and suck it up for a few hours can't be that difficult.

Why? She doesn't want to goto lunch with ex either, love these judgmental posts, I wouldn't want to go either, but would do it for the sake of the child.

Couldn't disagree more, divorced parents also need to realise life goes on and the world does not resolve around them either.

Parents divorced and both remarried over 20 years ago, but have managed to ruin virtually every big occasion weddings, christening, milestone birthdays by creating awful atmosphere, not expecting them to be best of friends, but surely can manage to be civil to each other for couple of hours without causing a scene.

Really?

So if your mum invited you out to lunch for your dinner, you think that a) it would be reasonable to invite your father and b) your mother should just suck it up if you did?

Given what you have said about your family dynamic, this surprises me.

Son invited by you but then invites someone else - close to him but someone else nevertheless - expecting you to pay for him too? No! Tell son he should celebrate his birthday with his father himself.

Exactly this and remember it's your son's birthday celebration and his choice.
Your exh's past actions are irrelevant.
And why is your husband bothered?
Go to the lunch with a smile ☺ on your face

Totally disagree. Son's age irrelevant

This is truly unbelievable advice, r u serious?

I would do this for my son's sake and paint a smile on my face. I'd pay the bill too ( with a smile ☺ on my face), for the sake of my son

it's your son's birthday celebration and his choice

If the son were throwing a party, or hosting a lunch, this would be correct. He is not.

The OP is hosting so it's not his place to add more people to the invitation. If she'd invited him to the theatre instead, or on holiday, or on a trip up in a hot air balloon, it would not be reasonable for him to bring along extra people the OP would need to pay for.

I'm torn on this

It's your sons birthday and due to the sad circumstances of his dad dying at 30 , his 30th birthday may be tinged with regret /sadness

So his 30th is a big milestone and wants to celebrate it with his 2 parents as you said your ex took on the role of his dad

I get why you don't want ex there esp if you have to pay for him

But I would say either suck it up as it's his birthday and 30 a big one due to the above

Or mention happy for ex to come but he pays for hisself

When Son gets married , has kids , etx then will be times you have to be in same room as ex

After birthday say you won't be meeting up again on sons birthday with ex

So if he ems to rk see his dad then two meals /drinks are organised

I totally understand why you don't want to have lunch with your ex, if it was a large birthday party, I would have told you to suck it up for your son, but its not.

Having said that, I can see why he would want his Mum & Dad to share his special day.

However, if your son doesn't really know why you divorced your 2nd husband, he won't understand the triggers for you. At 30 he is big enough to be told the outline, pretty sure, from the way you have described your ex, that he will have already put his side to your son. Your son needs to understand why your ex-crying the poor tale and getting your son on side with this is so ironic and annoying. Your son needs to know the situation so he can approach this fairly. You don't have to slag your ex off unnecessarily but give your son the base outline.

If your present husband loves you, as I assume he does, he will be protective of you and annoyed on your behalf that you are getting the rough end of the stick. He is frustrated and can't do anything to protect you as its not his place to tell your son or intervene with your ex.

Your ex husband needs boundaries, he is not your responsibility anymore and just to exacerbate the situation, your ex is pushing your buttons via some of the very reasons you divorced him...his sense of entitlement and what sounds like narcissism. Your son is unwittingly aiding and abetting him as he does not know the background. Give your son a chance to understand your perspective.

Its perfectly OK for your son to love his step dad, and in fairness, its a compliment to your ex that your son feels this way but your relationship with your ex was not good for you and your son needs to be allowed to make his own mind up on the situation but to appreciate why you have boundaries.

In this particular instance I wouldn't have invited the dad, but my point was the parents are adults, they have created this situation, shouldn't be too much to ask that his parents can be civil and be able to stand in the same room without ruining important milestones.

But the son isn't a child, he is an adult and will have experienced relationship issues I am sure!