To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

I'm a similar age with parents divorced for a similar time an have also never as an adult had lunch or a cup of tea with my mum an dad together. And have absolutely no desire to.

I'd think wanting to have lunch together with long divorced parents would be an exception rather than the norm.

A valid point too.

I don't think its anything to do with your husband, ds wants to have lunch with his parents, current husband should but out, BUT, it should be made clear to ex that he pays for his own meal. Your ds shouldn't have invited your ex as its rude but it's done now. You either go for the lunch or cancel and say ds can spend the day with his dad. You say the split was amicable, is it so bad to sit with ex for a few hours for the sake of your son? Lots of families do it.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to tell your son that on this occasion it is a meal for just the 3 of you and that he should take ex out for a meal/drink on a separate occasion. He is 30 so presumably he can afford to treat him if necessary.

It’s nice they maintain a good relationship but if it is awkward with your DH then it won’t be a fun evening anyway!

Why did you invite your son to a meal with him and yourself and your current husband.
That would of made 3 of you ,and no way would your ex be trying to muscle in with your current husband there too .
Would of stopped this being a problem and it's just odd your excluding your current husband

Why didn't you ...that should read

My parents are divorced. I invited them both to my child's birthday. One said they'd rather not be there if the other is and made an alternative suggestion for when they could celebrate with us. Accepted their wishes and moved on.

At the end of the day would rather everyone attending a celebration wanted to be there and wasn't feeling uncomfortable. It would be lovely to have my whole family together on occasion but if they're not comfortable then that seems more important

As you’ve said, turning 30 is a big thing. Suck it up and have the lunch. It’s one day and it’s important to your son.

I agree.

I think you should suck it up. It’s your son’s birthday. Not about you!! It’s one meal. Sit away from him. Celebrate your son, how he would like. Seems mean and immature to me.

It's your son's 30th birthday, which is a big deal, so if it were me, I'd let him invite people significant in his life of his choosing. The finances of it can be negotiated. DH finding it difficult that your ex could be there I can understand, but you haven't invited him and it's not your birthday. Having an ex there doesn't mean you'll find him attractive again all of a sudden - you broke up for a reason, and stayed broken up. So the issue there is DH's insecurity, which I also understand. However, our offspring's birthday celebrations come before that in my view. Plus, we ALL have exs at this stage/age, we know why we split and we know why we fell in love with those we're with now. No competition. However, our kids didn't break up with those who came before, just us.

Do not show this thread to your son. He will not want to read about your sex life with the man he thinks of as his Dad.

I think YABU, you brought the man into your sons life and allowed your son to treat him as a father, you can't say he's no longer to treat him this way now you don't like him anymore.

You need to be able to be in the same room and civil for your sons sake, what if your son decides to get married, is that going to be awkward, or if grandkids come along?

But it is extremely rude of the OP's son to unilaterally invite along someone, whoever it may be, to a meal she has booked just for him and her and will pay for, without asking her about it and clearly expecting her to pay for both of them.

It's a one off. I have a lot of sympathy for your son never having known his biological dad, if it means so much to him to have who he now counts as his dad on this special occasion, can't you just make him happy for once?

Exactly 😐

If I had a exfriend who did something awful to me (eg had sex with my husband, killed my goldfish, ran away with my purse and life savings) then none of my other friends would expect me to have to sit down at a restaurant table with them.
Why is it different for ex partners/h/w?

Unless it’s for kids who are too young to understand then I don’t understand this insistence that we need to ‘move on’, ‘be adults about it’ etc. If a friend or family member treated me badly I would be encouraged in here to go NC.
Why don’t the same ideas go for exh/w?

I agree that for certain things you have to suck it up and be civil eg weddings, graduations, funerals etc. But a 30th birthday lunch?? Nope! Why would I want to sit in a room with the man who abused me just to make everyone else feel comfy.

My ex did a lot of damage- emotional, financial etc etc. My now adult kids don’t know the half of it as I kept it from them. They know what they saw and directly experienced but not the rest as I protected them from it. They also know that it isn’t fair to expect me to socialise with a man who made my life hell. Never mind pay for his lunch!
I have dealt with funerals, wedding and graduations with good grace ( despite the nasty comments from him). I will put myself through it for the sake of my kids but I won’t put myself through sitting at a lunch and my kids would never expect me too. They actively organise two separate outings so that I have don’t to face him. And they always make sure I’m happy with the arrangements. I put them first and they put me first.. their Father gets what they offer him.
This is a 30th year old man. As someone else said I would sit him down and tell him ‘Son, you don’t know the half of what went on between your ‘Dad’ and me and I don’t think you need too but if you insist on making me spend time with this man then I’m afraid I need you to know why it is so hard for me. Your choice?’

I can't imagine what occasion on this planet would make me sit through dinner with DS's actual father.
Similar lazy non working man. DS knows this full well and would never even ask. He sees him separately.

I wouldn't pay for him but I do think you and your current husband need to suck it up and be polite. Your son is about to turn 30, this is the first of a long line of things you're going to have to be in the same room for. His wedding, his child's first birthday, christenings (potentially), grandchildrens birthday parties over the years. Life will be very difficult for all if you don't make the effort

Absolutely stand yourself ground

You don't have to lunch with your ex to keep a 30 year old happy

How do you get to retire at 40 if your just civil service ??

To all those saying “It’s his birthday, you should just suck it up and go”………

Should she have to do this every year? A lunch for three every fucking year? For his 45 birthday, his 60th birthday if you are both still alive? Where does it end? Why should she be forced to have a sit down lunch with him every bloody year for the rest of her life?!

Weddings, birthday parties with other family/friends, birth of a grandchild, graduation etc - yes you should suck it up and be polite around each other in group settings. But not a sit down meal for three every bloody year!

Get over yourselves and don't spoil son's birthday.

I would do anything for my DC, however awkward.

I attended their graduation standing next to my (not in the slightest amicable) exH for hours with a smile on my face, making small talk.

Sometimes it just isn’t about us.

There's no need to suck it up.

This is not a 16, 18th or 21st birthday.
Your son is now a 30 year old adult. Tell him no, it's not happening and that's the end of it.

Is your DS gonna roll out this deadbeat on every milestone birthday?!