To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

@Ibloodylovetea it is your life and your decision but I can only speak from experience. My h did something and I kept it a secret for many years. My DC everything now and they say they are glad they know as wondering was worse.

Well, that changes everything. Your son reaching the same age as his father was when he killed himself will be huge for him, and weighing on his mind. Your ex does sound like a waste of space, but I would suck it up for this birthday. But no more in future and if it comes up I think you could start telling your son the truth about your ex and why you divorced, he isn't a child you need to protect any more.

I think it doesn’t matter what your DH thinks, it’s a red herring.
The essence is that you want to treat your DS ( only him) you are not doing a family meal for his birthday. You could have treated him a tickets to the show/ theatre/ etc you opted for a meal

If he wants to celebrate with his father - he plans it and goes ahead. You don’t mind them seeing each other or anything like this. You are not being unreasonable to stick to your plan.

I'm sorry to hear about your son's father.

If ex is a scrounger, then I'd be worried about him watching DS for his career progression, then pleading poverty.

I knew some older people (past tense thank God) who had this exact personality - physically able to work and qualified/intelligent (no childcare commitments)

but obsessed with finding someone to look after them as if they were children (possible ND?).

Down to the conversations about inheritance or how much money they could get their parents to give them.

They haven't changed at all...they express themselves in the language of family and friendship and emotions, but there's a real mercenary "what's in it for me" attitude underneath.

They played on people's goodwill to manipulate them.

Maybe it would be good to give DS the option of a soft landing - remind him that you've had issues with ex over finances, DS needs to keep his own boundaries up here...

Stand your ground this time or you'll be lumbered with this situation time and time again.

You're not throwing a birthday party. Taking your son to lunch on his birthday is different. If exh views your ds as his own, he should do something with him alone. Simple pint at the pub, for ex. Tell your son same.

I'm sorry Op, hard enough to lose your DH so young, that must have been a terrible time for you. Your Ex is pretty shameless, divorced all this time and still trying to live off you,and everyone else, I'm very glad you got away from him

I think you should suck it up for the sake of your son. He would like to celebrate what is a significant birthday with both parents who brought him up. The fact that his bio dad died at 30 is clearly adding to the significance for him. Do you really want to fall out with your son over this?

Honestly I would do what your son has asked, although I would strongly invite your son to pay for your ex's meal so you're only paying for your own (or possibly yours and half of your son's). Even more so knowing he's the age his dad was when he died.

I just can't see the exasperation over how useless he is, and over the cost of the meal and annoying demands for money (which you can ignore), as more important than your son having a rare chance for the three of you to be together for his birthday (probably either for the last time ever or certainly for at least another decade). It would be different if your ex had been abusive, but unless I've misunderstood, the issue seems mainly to be that he's an annoying, freeloading waste of space (but one who is important to your son, and someone it's much harder for your son to leave behind than for you to leave behind).

Red flag my ass, why? I wouldn’t be happy my DH to have lunch with his ex, there’s absolutely not need for it.OP’s DS is a grown man why does he needs his mum there for? especially when OP doesn’t want to be there to start with

Your ds needs to grow up. He is thirty not three ffs. He should understand the reason why you wouldn’t want to be stuck with your ex.
Sorry but your ds comes across as very immature

This is a massive drip feed. I was 100% on board with telling him ex isn't welcome but this changes everything IMO.

It's entirely possible - probable, even - that your son is experiencing real turmoil in reaching the age his father died at. I think under those very challenging and unique circumstances you could just put your feelings about CF ex aside, not make it about you and do what your son is asking.

All amicable ,split years ago ,sounds like he took your son on as his own .

not a great situation but honestly I’d just suck it up

Thank you for this. son & me have had counselling & are about to start counselling again as DS has inherited his father's MH problems. Sorry if you feel I've drip fed things, but I didn't realise that becoming 30 could be an issue with DS until OP mentioned it.

You are all adults now, unless there is a massive drip feed about your ex husbands behaviour, can you not manage a few hours in his company? i know this is a birthday meal, but what if it were a wedding? would you make demands on who can and cannot come then?

Son just texted. Meeting him for coffee on Thursday. Will show him this discussion. He's 30 & an adult & will leave it to him to make the decision about how he wants to go forward. Thank you Mumsnetters xx

I'd say to D's that if he wants your ex there you want your DH there. So all 4 of you. I'd not pay bill for ex either in fact I'd make a point on entering the restaurant to tell staff your ex will be paying his own bill.

Yes, I was also against you being seemingly bullied into this joint lunch situation with your son’s sulking behaviour but that revelation does change everything. Your DS may actually be depressed rather than sulking, though it might seem that way.

Tbh I don’t think you should show him this.
don’t make a big thing of it and make it about you and your ex, it’s his birthday.
Just say you’re not comfortable with it if you’re not but don’t be showing him you’ve posted about it on a forum, I don’t honestly think that’s a good idea that benefits him.

You’ve posted about his whole life, going to counselling and his mental health problems. Don’t show him.

DH isn't willing to meet with ex unless a wedding, funeral or whatever. He sees ex as a freeloader & general waste of space & says that he's likely to tell ex what he thinks of him if forced to have lunch with him. DH's divorce was very acrimonious as his ex cheated &, as they had a chain of restaurants & 3 kids, all became rather messy. Also I'm quite a bit younger than him. This partly explains his protectiveness. But have discussed it with him & he's fine if that's DS's choice as long as I only pay for DS meal & mine. He's even offered to drive me & DS to/from restaurant so we can have a drink.

OMG I haven't told you the half of DS's life😱I know that he would tell me that I should've said more. But that's his stuff not for me to tell.

Don't show DS this thread. No need for him to know everything. But you can take him for coffee and be honest that paying for ex when he made his own choices about finances and he wasn't invited by you is what you're trying to avoid.

In a good world, if ex forgot his card and it was genuine, he would have paid you back. Or paid next time, or something. He didn't, because it was cobblers.

Boundaries are a good thing.

This is worth considering OP. I'm not having a top table at my wedding because of my parents, if this is something that will bother you I would have the lunch for your son.