To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

Idk, I wonder if it would be worth being open to your 30 year son about the financial aspect?

It seems like you're trying to protect your ex's reputation, but this is backfiring on you.

You're being painted as the mean anti social one.

Plus it's good for your son to know he's allowed to have boundaries when it comes to scroungers.

If ex is still trying to manipulate you into lending him money, I imagine he's probably getting information from your son. Plus will ex start trying to use DS for support as his situation becomes worse over time?

Your ex is playing everyone here and your DH is right to be pissed off and protective.

30 years hold sulking because Mummy won't pay for his unemployed dad's lunch. Very mature.

Give him the money you were going to spend on his lunch and let him take his dad out if he's so desperate for him to have you pay for him. I'm sure that won't appeal to him.

Do you think there's a chance that he wants to tell you both something? I would go but I'd be uber clear that you're not picking up the entire tab and you'll pay for yourself and DS but your ex's lifestyle choices are his own to bear the consequences of.

Not sure it's nice to take the piss out of working at McDonalds...

Must confess was rather a good feeling last time ex rang me to ask for money. Him: 'Hello how are you?' Me: 'Really good thank you on a cruise in the Caribbean, just about to embark to St Lucia. Is there are problem <insert name>?' Him: 'No problem, but I need some money' Me: ...well effectively it was 'bog off' 😂

I'm not - I've worked for McDonalds, just saying they always recruiting.

Your DS is also incredibly rude and entitled invite extra people (irrespective of who) and expect you to pay.
He is also a grown ass man.

No way in hell would i be paying. if your DS is that desperate to dine with your ex he needs to pay himself.

"No problem. I'm more than happy for you to host your birthday lunch instead! i'll just arrange a different gift (a surprise for just the two of us). Let me know the details once you've got it all booked. x"

I'd also go hungry and take public transport 😉

My dh has acrimoniously divorced parents and my serious boyfriend in my early 20s had same. Between them I experienced two graduations, my wedding and birth of our children seeing my partner/husband juggle two not-speaking parents and each time my dp/dh was really gutted that he couldn’t just sit down with both parents together.
I’d honestly say if it’s important to your ds and what he really wants for his birthday just grit your teeth and do it. For him.

So it’s just the financial thing? In that case you make it clear to both that you aren’t paying.

OK Thank you all for your input. Just texted DS & said if he wants to go out to lunch with ex they're welcome to the table that I've booked & I will be in touch about arranging an alternative. But let me know this week if they don't want to do that as I will need to cancel the table x

I agree with this. It casts a shadow over EVERY single event in a person's life. Extremely selfish in my opinion.

Your son is 30, I'm guessing he's had adult relationships. Perhaps it's time to have a clear conversation and explain why you and his stepfather are divorced. None of the messy details but enough to point out how much he took advantage of you financially.

Ask your son, as a 30yr old man, if he would treat a woman like that and then expect her to buy him dinner.

Say your happy to be civil at future group events, weddings, babies etc but an intimate dinner is a bit much.

Also it sound like you were only actually married to him for 4years? Is that right?

Your ds is 30 - it’s fine to tell him why you divorced I think?

current dh should butt out though - big red flag.

No just can't stomach a lunch with ex pleading self-imposed poverty, moaning about how his siblings won't let him have his share of his 'inheritance' (his mother is still alive so no inheritance, she may have left all her money to RSPCA) & the general entitlement that he feels. Last time he 'forgot' his bank card, but this was a feature when we were married. Who goes out without their bank card? DS doesn't earn much & has high rent so he couldn't afford to pay for ex.

Remind DS of this and say that you want to avoid any more unpleasantness. He and ex can bond together but you have no desire to be screwed over yet again.

DS is old enough to learn about CFs, and he can learn by paying for one out of his own pocket.

£30k isn't enough to retire early on, even with a pension as well. He was in cloud cuckoo land.

I think I would be OK with ex, if that's what DS wants, but on the basis that the meal was split between me and ex. I wouldn't be happy to be paying for ex, especially as he took the piss last time.

I think based on the chance you have your ex a few years ago, YANBU. I’d be honest with your son about your reasons though.

My DD was 20 when her father and I split up and he didn't talk to her for over a year about the divorce. She thought it was not acceptable for him to think that a divorce could happen, their childhood home be sold and their mum have to move away all without him explaining himself. I just know that posters will fall over themselves to say it isn't any of the children's business why their parents have divorced but I happen to agree with DD. They should have an explanation. It doesn't have to be everything but it does have to be something and true.

I would think that it isn't right to be forced into a meal with anyone you don't want to dine with so on that basis you're right to pass. However, it would mean a lot to your son to have both his parents there and I think you could try and compromise on a drink for the three of you if you really can't go. With cake maybe.

I don't see your dh is out of order. He's allowed to be hurt as he's done all the parenting.

I didn't spend Christmas with my MIL, BIL ex and our kids as I didn't want to see him. MIL was disappointed. One of my dc wasn't understanding but I did what was right for me. It was horrible having Christmas afternoon and early evening knowing they were spending time with a parent who had done fuck all but it is only a few hours.

For your son. And that's it.

Although there is a bit of me thinking a 30th isn't that big a deal so go somewhere that's not particularly fancy and then do something nice separately.

It's your son's birthday, I would do as he asks.

Just no
Your son is old enough to know the broad outline of why you divorced. Why does he think that you are divorced in the first place? If you don't give him a few facts, he only has what ex is telling him to go on.
Another thing that has occurred to me - was it definitely DS' idea, or has ex put the idea in his head?

I really don't want to go into details with DS. But a big reason why we got divorced (as well as financial) was didn't have sex after we married. As we were renovating our house, ex moved into spare room & expected to visit me for sex. I said no way, as it made me feel like a prostitute. He also spent 3 nights a week with his mother - who was then fully able to care for herself at that time. I remember having a big row when I accused him of thinking of me as a housekeeper who paid their own wages. He didn't deny it. It was then that I realised that I wasn't actually in a marriage, I WAS his housekeeper & his insurance policy for when his mum was too infirm to care for him.

I'm thinking that DS has already lost a father (the one who died before he was born) he doesn't need to know all this. In starting the conversation about why we got divorced it could open up a whole can of worms. But then, he's 30 & an adult, maybe I should open the can of worms I mean. No need to volunteer the sex thing unless it comes up of course.

Be the bigger person, look amazing, wang on about how great your life is and happily pay with a smile at the end. DS will be thrilled and DH will look and realise what he's done losing you.

It’s a shame your son has seen this man try to sponge off you financially and yet seems to want to put you in the position where he can do it again?!

I'm sorry but becoming 30 is a big thing for many people. My husband (son's father) killed himself aged 30.