To not want my ex husband to join me & son for a 30th birthday dinner?

[Ibloodylovetea]

Some background to this:

My son's father died when I was pg, I met my ex husband when DS was about 5 & we got married when DS was 10. So DS regards ex as his father. Ex & me separated about 16 years ago & have been divorced for about 12 years. All was amicable &, although we have no contact, I'm in regular contact with a cousin of his (who I worked with until she retired) & his mother (who's now 96). In fact I visit his mother every week - more than he does(!) I've since remarried.

I've arranged to treat DS for lunch on the occasion of his 30th birthday in a couple of weeks. DS has sprung on me that he's invited my ex. Now although all amicable, I have no desire to lunch with my ex. Also my DH isn't happy about the whole idea-seriously unhappy about it in fact.

I'm thinking it's DS's 30th birthday & I should suck it up & be polite to ex.

However, I'm also thinking that, if DS wants to have lunch with ex he can, but without me. DS is telling me ex is unhappy having not worked in years (he's 58) & is rather impoverished- I'm saying that's his choice that he's not working. The not working was a big influential factor in our divorce as he took a redundancy package & his civil service pension saying he always said he'd be retired by time he was 40. I didn't see why I should work full time, do all housework, cooking etc when he thought it OK to live off my earnings & do bugger all. But I haven't shared that with DS as none of his business why we got divorced.

I've told DS he's welcome to have lunch with my ex, but I won't be there. DS has taken this badly saying it's his birthday & his choice. I've reminded him that he's 30 & a grown adult. So now DS isn't speaking to me.

Thoughts please.

YABU ...It's your DS birthday, it's not about you.

Clearly not read the thread then, eh?

Absolutely! Why should you pay for this deadbeat? No way. Your son is 30. He can have as many birthday celebrations as he likes. The one financed by you does not need to include your ex. Unbelievable that your son would ask this if you.

Maybe you could say you will go if your partner can go too. This is not a wedding and personally I can understand why a partner would be put out if he hasn’t been invited. Your partner/husband is your family too now.

Or just suggest you do something separate with your son. Although it’s obviously important to show your son you love him and celebrate his birthday, if you aren’t comfortable I don’t think you should do something that you aren’t happy with.

i think your son should respect your boundaries and doesn’t fully understand the situation.

Why is it a red flag? The OP’s husband doesn’t want this freeloader joining a family lunch. I don’t blame him. This is a 30th birthday, not a 13th. The son can take this guy out himself if he is hard up for money. It’s not his mother’s responsibility.

He is not eight years old. He can socialize separately with his long-divorced parents.

Being the birthday boy doesn't give him the right to trample over everyone else's feelings.

Who's paying? If it's you then it's a no. Your son is being unreasonable

Yes it is. Read the bloody thread. Ex husband financially abused OP, that’s why they divorced. He’s attempted to sponge of OP and current DH, and turned up at a previous meal crying poverty so that OP had to foot the bill for him. They are divorced for a reason. Son is 30 - old enough to realise that as much as he would like his mum and dad to be friends, they’re not. And for good reason.

Partner doesn’t want to go. Ex is a freeloader and has tried to sponge off OP and her DH in the past. Nothing to do with not being invited - everything to do with not wanting to be financially taken advantage of, yet again.

You brought the man into your son’s life and he regards him as a father. For your sons sake I would go for a meal, it’s a few hours of your life and obviously means a lot to your son.
i would be making it very clear though you will not be paying for your exes meal or drinks.

Well I think it would nice for your ex to invite your son to do something as he's clearly unhappy about the arrangement as well. So he doesn't seem to understand the two of you being together will be awkward and not the joyous meal together he imagined it seems. X

If you go, have a private word with your ex and make it clear that since you’re not paying for him, check that he’s brought his cards before he orders any food or drink. My ex was a total leech and I would feel exactly the same as you. Paying for his meal would be like letting him abuse you all over again, knowing that he still has the power over you.

In this situation, I think I'd look to make it a larger gathering...with other family members as well, including the cousin, OP's DH etc.. and make it clear in advance that everyone picks up their own bill (or in couples).. although I get that OP may want to pay for her DS as it's his birthday.

We did this for one of my DS's special birthdays. His father, my ex, is tight fisted and we left him grappling with coupons, trying to get money off his and his wife's meals.. 😂 but there was no question than anyone was going to foot the whole bill.. we just did the meal together for DS.

YANBU, I completely understand where you’re coming from. There’s no way I’d share a meal with my ex (bio father of my 30 year old DD) for any reason.

The most unreasonable thing on this thread are the posters telling you to suck it up for the sake of your son. He is 30 not 13!!! He is old enough to understand his divorced parents do not have to cater to his every whim. YANBU OP.

No one can force you to have your ex in your life, nor should they try. Your life, your boundaries.

Absolutely this. DS is old enough to know why the ex wasn’t invited and why it’s awkward as heck for his actual mother who has had enough of the ex and quite rightly.
It’s one thing to teach your kids boundaries and what is acceptable behaviour only to demonstrate otherwise. DS needs to step up and act his age, he can go to lunch with the ex but respect why his mum can’t be there. Typical sulking men when they can’t have their own way

Your Ex is a scrounger and your DS is taking the p. I fail to see why some are saying your husband is a red flag when clearly, your son and his dad are. This is the 2nd time he's arranged that a meal should be you, he and his dad. No doubt youll end up paying for his dad again. Your DS is a grown man not a child, and needs to stop messing around. He can go for a meal with just his dad, or just you, or not at all. But dont let him dictate in terms of what you decide to do.

Sons birthday. Sons choice. But I wouldn’t pay for ex’s lunch.

hubby can suck it up.

Damn right @Ibloodylovetea … I find the suggestion that you pay for ex because new husband ‘can afford it’ rather offensive! Why should his hard work pay for this freeloading ex!!
I would probably cancel meal and make it just a coffee at a local pub with son and ex, and say you feel it’s insensitive to go for a meal as know he can’t afford it… so will make it cheap and cheerful for ex’s benefit..

I must say DS sounds more like a 13 year old than a 30 year old !…. Sulking because you don’t want to go out for a meal with your ex husband!! As long as me and my ex H are amicable I’d be happy to do this up until DD is 18…. Marking her becoming an adult.. but I’d expect him to pay for his own meal, half of DD’s and his own bloody wine!
I don’t think I’d be entertaining him after her 18th… as an adult I’d expect her to make her plans with him.

I do think you’ve treated your son like a child though, I think it would’ve been reasonable to tell him why you separated after the last meal where he allowed you to pay for him and ordered wine (What a CF!).

I think it’s tragic that your first husband CS, however that has been your burden to bare for 30 years!!!!…. Both emotionally and financially as a single parent while DS was growing up…. I am not saying you have as don’t know you… but I think a lot of single parents over compensate and feel guilty for the lack of the father being around… is this the case here?…. I do think after DS’s 30th you need to have a frank discussion with him about being unwilling to meet up with ex again and tell him the reasons why you separated and why you feel he’s a
CF always expecting to be paid for! I mean bloody hell, he can’t afford a meal?! Seriously?!? For his sons 30th?! Does your son and DH not get along? Seems unreasonable that he’s expecting you to attend with ex and exclude DH!

Disagree. Son's birthday yes, mum arranged to take HIM for a meal therefore it's mum's decision who attends.

Thank you! He could NOT have been so bad if her son still regards him as a father!

‘Hubby’ actually has valid reasons for not wanting the OP to go if ex is there.

Wow. Is this what you really think ? Ex financially abused the OP until she divorced him and then continued to try to leech off her and her DH. He has form for turning up at meals and crying poverty, and OP has had to pay for him previously. OP has also said very clearly that son has no idea of the history between OP and her ex and has little idea of why they divorced. Maybe the reason he still regards him as a father is because he has no idea what a CF he actually is.

I’d hazard a guess that this would end up with everyone paying extra to cover ex’s meal when he revealed he couldn’t afford it.