Not giving my kids money while at uni

[Seilla]

I have twins who are both going to uni this year, DD is going to Kings in London and DS to Newcastle.
I work as an administrator for the local council making about £24k, their dad isn't involved at all.He sees them maybe 2 times a year and moved away.
They are both get full student loans. DD this is £13,348, DS £10,227. DDs Accomodation is £169 per week and DS is £129 per week (DDs uni has an affordable Accomodation scheme she qualified for).

The maths tells me that DD will have £732 a month after rent (dividing the remaining loan by 9 months) and DS £563.
My parents just bought them both a MacBook for there 18th last week, I've got them new phone contracts which I will pay. They both just got over £1000 from there child trust funds and my parents have given them £500 each to get clothes and pots/pans.
They have both worked all through sixth form and have savings, DDs is at a little restaurant who have said they will have her back in the holidays. DS was at a shop so that is less likely.

AIBU to give them nothing more?
My parents think I should give them pocket money and I hear all there friends parents talking of contributions but I think they have loads with just that and getting jobs of their own?

Many do and live on a lot less. Which is why students live on koka noodles and mars bars.
I'd give cash for birthday/Christmas and ask if they need travel passes.

If you have the capacity to save up a bit, I would keep hold of that for emergency stuff, emergency train tickets home, that sort of thing, on a first come first serve basis for them both.

The one who chose to go to Uni a long way from home should have factored in getting back home at least some of the time - yes, trains are expensive but a young persons rail card reduces that and if you really want to travel cheap, Megabus or National Express with their young persons deal.

The only way travel home gets REALLY expensive is if someone wants to train, or fly, last minute.

@Seilla UoL in Bristol. They don't have any university owned halls at all - it was her insurance choice so it was all last minute too. It was actually one of the cheapest too!😩

Can't you just start off not giving them money and see how they get on?

Help them work out a budget if they need it to manage their monthly expenses.

If they have the odd time when they can't afford a train ticket home etc you could help them out with that and a few other bits, clothes etc. without making it a regular payment.

I doubt your bills will go down all that much just because the kids aren't there. You still have rent/mortgage, utilities, tax, food......no one is giving you an allowance are they?

Your kids seem like that know they have to work things for themselves, let them get on with it. If you can front them a rental deposit or something when they finish then great!

i went to uni a few years ago, my parents didnt give me anything. they couldnt afford it!
have your son and daughter look into bursary and financial aid programs at their respective unis and make absolutely sure they're getting as much as theyre entitled to (thats what its there for)
maybe save a bit to give to them in case of emergency
but otherwise yanbu. i also worked in the summer and unis have long holidays so thats a good option, same with working in the uni itself (they often have small jobs suited for current students)

I'm always baffled by the amount of parents who pay out for their DC a university. I funded myself with my maintenance loan and part time work. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask DM for money, nor would I have been given any if I had.

Although she did pay my sister's (very expensive through choice) rent for the entire time she was at uni, even though she spent most of the time at home anyway. The situation was ridiculous, but then situations with my sister often are.

University students are adults, I don't understand why they can't make arrangements to support themselves financially. What will they do for funds once they finish? How long are parents expected to fund their adult children?

That's plenty, if they need more then they'll need to either work term time or take on an extra job on top in the holidays. It'll be a nice taste of budgeting for them being adults.

Break it down for example that is £180 a week
Bus fare if needed- approx £20 a week (no idea what a pass costs nowadays)
Food- £40 a week
Socialising- £75 a week
Course materials/printing costs etc- £5 a week

That still leaves £40 a week spare for clothing sundries, train fare etc.

Other parents will supplement because they will be over the thresholds. Your kids won't, let them fly and be at the end of the phone if they have an urgent financial issue they need support with.

Given what you’ve outlined I’d say they’ll be fine. My DD has a supermarket job, has the minimum loan and doesn’t have as much as that even with our top up. She asks us for money when she needs it and we pay for trips etc but she loves to pay her own way as much as she can. What do your DDs think?

Just for your DD in London bear in mind that unless she can stay in halls next year, which might be worth looking into if she is on a scheme, her rent living out is likely to be much higher in London in 2nd and 3rd year .
My DD paid just over £9k in 2 nd and having to pay £11k in 3 rd! Also her travel is around £2k a year .
If someone knows any travel hacks please let me know !!
Sounds like your DD will get a job though which will help .

Avanti do a thing called ‘Super fare’. You choose your date and then choose morning, afternoon or evening slot and they allocate you a ticket based on their emptiest train. For me it works out £15 to London instead of £90, but you have to book in advance and can only go on the one they give you.

I went to university for my bachelors in the time of means tested grants. My parents were high earners so my grant was 0. My parents gave me exactly the grant amount and nothing more, except that I was allowed to take some old mismatched kitchenware (pans and cutlery) they had had in the back of cupboards and drawers for some time without using.

They were giving me a lot of money BUT almost everyone who got a grant was better off because their parents also gave them £20 (more of a big deal 30 years ago, probably similar to £50+ now) every time they visited or transferred £100 into their account if they were short on an ad hoc basis, or paid for regular supermarket shops or for their textbooks.

I suspect this is true today too and that students who get minimum loan and parents top up probably have literally just the equivalent of the full loan to spend (and stretched parents reminding them how much they're costing and expecting gratitude), and only students who have full loan and parents who can afford to contribute as well are the group with most unearned spending power.

So if you can't contribute don't feel bad, lot's of students will have similar amounts of unearned funding (leaving student jobs aside).

I'd contribute if I could do without suffering in your shoes - perhaps the amount you save by not feeding them in term time - but not if you'd suffer for it by having to cut back to bare essentials or if they'd have more discretionary spending money each than you.

One thing to consider with regards to your DS who doesn't have holiday employment in your town is that I never spent any university holidays with my parents at all, because I got a job in my university city which I worked full time in all the holidays. Since a couple of months after I turned 18 I've never spent more than a week under my parents' roof, and that rarely - whilst at university I generally visited for a long weekend rather than the stereotypical student spending 1/3 of the year "at home" in their childhood bedroom.

@PeapodBurgundy

Nuts isn't it. People still look at me like an alien when I say I held down three jobs at university from 2008-2011. Two were term time (one for the university, the other a zero hours contract in retail) and the holiday job was in a pub. I made more than enough that I actually had money left some terms and still left the place a couple of marks off a first class degree.

When I was at uni many years ago used to get national express from Newcastle to London. Less than £15 one way

Maybe you could do them one big shop when you drop them off.

I'm not trying to be goady with people who do pay for their children, each to their own. But until Mumsnet I didn't realise it was a 'thing' outside of the super rich who are bankrolled by their parents in general. It's nice for those who can afford to help out, but I genuinely didn't realise the scope of how many parents are doing this until I read some of the many threads from parents like the OP who are worried about affording this financial support. It's something I genuinely didn't realise happened.

Perfectly reasonable not to give any more. You might do them a shop once in a while. I suspect you are not charging them rent/asking only a small rent in the vaccations either, so that's a huge help too.

If they work (and there is always PT bar work in uni towns) they will be fine. Then the occasional treat you send them like a train fare or a £40 Tesco shop with some wine/beer will mean a lot more than them relying on you to get by.

Don't forget university related work - my DD was sponsored by her uni aerobics society to train as an Exercise to Music instructor. That earned her an extra £80 most weeks and has continued as a profitable side hustle for many more years. She also had work as a freshers support worker in her third year. Not a lot of money but when you are at uni £10 goes a long way.

I got full loan and worked, perfectly doable where I was and I had enough disposable. It was my friends reliant on parental contributions and less loan who struggled. I also think part of student experience should be deciding to blow your last £10 on cheap booze/take out then living off beans and toast for a few days! It's how we grow, live and learn. Students don't need to dine like Kings all the time
Most universities also have a hardship fund. If they do find themselves struggling they can apply for grants which aren't repayable. Additionally make most of student overdraft facilities. They work on an interest free taper rate basis.. so students don't acquire debt as such and have a good 18 months usually post graduation to be out of it before interest incurs. Definitely look into it

Honestly the best thing you can do is sit down with them and give them a basics budget spreadsheet.
Give them a reasonable dry stock shop beforehand tinned soup, pasta, rice, frozen veg and some tins of tuna etc but whilst your doing it get them to add up as they are going around so they can see how much a shop costs.

In my uni house we all worked from about 6 weeks in and it was a good learning curve of managing time and essays. It also made me a very hard worker and the ability to juggle tasks! This was doing a science course so 30 hours including lab time without essays on top.

It's not a bad thing not to give them top ups and it teaches valuable life skills early on!

I wouldn't OP, it sounds like they have plenty and you've done a fab job!

DS is on minimum loan so we are topping up the accommodation by about £3k a year and giving food/travel money each week, plus continuing to pay car insurance and phone bill.

He is going to have less spare cash than your two each month, and is not concerned, he knows he will have to get a PT job for beer money!

Check that there aren't any bursaries they can claim, sometimes there are ones for things like having parents that never went to university or being a young carer, just look on the university website.

As a student I put in pretty much full-time hours during term time (terms are short!). My better students will do the same. They probably won't put in 9-5 Mon-Friday, it may be 4pm until midnight, or weekend study, but the hours will be there. Most of them can afford not to do paid work during term time - notably the ones on lower incomes as they get the full loan plus grants. If their parents unexpectedly fail to pay what they are supposed to then there are emergency hardship funds to apply for. It's also perfectly possible to put in full time jobs and a day's part-time work if need be. My son isn't at Oxford and has a part-time job as his course is less intense.

Worst thing is finding the deposit for next year's accomodation just after xmas, and taking on all the issues associated with being a guarantor.

They'll be fine - mine manage fine on less. Don't give them any more, but you could send them the odd treat from time to time - eg: M&S voucher for 'posh' food - mine love that sort of thing. If you'll be home alone remember to claim the 25% single person's council tax discount. Your electricity/ gas prices will go down a fair bit too (no more epic teen showers!) and your food bills will plummet!