Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

I'm normally a fan of ignore, but your DH will have to tell horrible grandma that you have decided as a family that you do not wish to have a relationship with her, there will be no further discussions or meetings. If she turns up at your door, ignore her or tell her to go. If she refuses report her for harassment.

Actions speak louder than words

don't go

then if she comes and batters your door down, you see her on your turf on your terms -

you let her know her family meeting wasn't important to you

time has passed - you can't get it back and build a relationship on a dictatorship and as she has turned up at your door that is clearly what she wants - send her on her way to think about how she treats others before standing on your door step again

if she gives you an opinion on anything - then thank her for her opinion but its not important to me - repeat at each and every opinion she wants to share

Its really hard to battle with someone thanking them but agreeing and will piss her off more than any argument you have, but allows you to not rise to her fishing trip as a troll. MIL

Then admire the pretty pattern the shit makes as it hits the fan. You are not beholden to her.

Your DH - her son! - wants nothing to do with her, and nor do her grandchildren… why did you? There’s no relationship here. There’s nothing to save and nothing to lose.
Batten down the hatches and let the shit hit the fan, whatever that may look like.

Move, don’t tell her 😝

Id suggest going to the meal and tell her what a bitch she is but I’d be a hypocrite. I’m NC with my own Narcissistic mother, I don’t engage and have completely avoided any kind of confrontation or situation I’d have to tell her what I think because I don’t have the energy to deals with her. Anything I say will be turned on me, I will sound pathetic because narcs are good at making their victims come across that way. So I just cut her off and have no regrets.

given she would sit on your door step, either go the police route or move!

@Pleeeeaaasehelp just tell her that no we won't be coming for dinner this time or in fact any other time as we are totally done with your shit

She moved away, but expects to be the matriarch.

Ive got to the point now, I’m done. I’m not going.

I have already apologised to my kids!

But there was no relationship. You said your husband gave up years ago and you've forced him and your kids to continue to be abused by the woman.

When you have an abusive parent to be told 'but it's your mum' is a real kick in the teeth. We know that.

You owe your husband and kids and apology for enabling the woman's abuse and your husband should have therapy if he hasn't already had some.
Don't give the abuser one moments thought.

I don't understand. She's in the country now - the UK? But where is she staying and when is she likely to show up at your door? If you can be out (or better still away) when she calls then she's not going to get far with her confrontation. Was it agreed that she could visit?!

However, really your DH needs to deal with her but sounds like he won't. Does she harangue other family members or just your lot? It's all very OTT.

Oh OP, how could you do that to your husband, further abuse him by insisting he sees his abusive mother.

Absolutely horrendous behaviour on your behalf.
And your children too.

For me this is hugely unreasonable behaviour.
To think you know better than your spouse about his relationship with his parents.

What must they think privately about what you have forced upon them all for years.....an now this...

Pack up and leave the house with him.
Its the very least you can do.

I don't like to be harsh, but that you could persevere with this for so many years is so shockingly unloving behaviour towards a spouse.

Fix it now by going away together or telling him to go stay with someone and YOU will involve the police once and for all.

You owe it to your husband to fix this mess once and for all, together with a MASSIVE GROVELLING APOLOGY.

.

End this. Just end it. You - and especially your poor DH, whose childhood was probably ruined by this woman, enough so that he has tried to keep distant from her to preserve his sanity and the rest of his adult life, despite you undermining him and forcing continued contact (I'm sorry, but you have told us how you've enabled this) - deserve better than to continue dancing to this awful person's tune. Block her number and don't engage any further.

I will say sorry again - but I find it hard to understand why contact has been continued when your DH clearly didn't want it and was troubled by your insisting on its continuance, and your own children have put an end to it as soon as they were old enough to have a say over your insistence and decide for themselves. I hope they have not been too damaged by this woman, and that they are able to repair the misery in their own lives and the distress of seeing their father humiliated, belittled and disregarded throughout their childhoods.

Perhaps they (your children and DH) may find the Stately Homes threads on MN helpful (latest here: August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet) - and you too, if you are finding it difficult to drop the rope with this woman who is dragging your family down. If you don't end it, you will be consumed by her bitterness, hatred and demands, which are only likely to increase further as she ages. Block her, don't engage any further and end this torment now. At least have SOME happy years free of this despair with your husband before it's too late for either of you.

You are getting a bit of a pasting OP, including from me. 😔 That's probably not nice to read. I'm sure you thought you were doing your best. Look, you can't change the past. No-one can. But you can try and make it right with your DH and adult DCs and influence the quality of the present and your future happiness. Make the future a happier one without MIL. Just block her. You don't owe her explanations, apologies or any headspace whatsoever. She has already cost you so much. Stop it now. Block her number, return any letters unread. Don't let her in and, if needs be, have her removed by the Police if she will not leave you alone. And don't go to the dinner - not even as a "last goodbye" or a "chance to explain". It won't end well. Be prepared for her to ramp up the nonsense as her supply of victims dries up. And watch out for her flying monkeys (well-meaning "friends and relatives" who attempt to intercede on her behalf, either openly or subtly).

Best wishes, strength and courage to you.

As someone else said: Let the shit hit the fan. What's the worst that can happen? She has a tantrum, but no-one to shout at because there's no-one there.
If she sits on your doorstep, don't engage. She'll get bored eventually and fuck off. If your DH and your children don't want to see her, why should anyone else?

Have to say I am confused as to the logistics - will she come to yours or does she expect to meet somewhere?

Either way, given she is in the country , hopefully not expecting accommodation ( even if she is), you need to head her off at the pass. Assuming your DH agrees.
Text her, email, whatever is your norm. Tell her that you won’t be meeting up, you are not interested in hearing how badly she thinks she is treated and she is not welcome at your home.
Then just block her.

If your DH does not agree, then you take yourself off - to a friend, sibling, or an adult DC , and let him deal with her.

Her age is irrelevant , but I dare say she may be worrying about who will ‘look after her’

I voted YABU because you should have stopped this long long ago when she upset your children.

At that point she became a negative in your family's life and contact should have stopped.

Now you phone her and tell her she does not come to your house, she is not welcome and you have no interest in speaking or listening to her.

If she turns up you do not let her in. She can sit on the doorstep all night long if she likes - I hope it rains. In fact I would probably be out when she arrived - maybe on a lovely long weekend with my DH.

I would never allow someone to treat me or my family this way - and you know they never have because they know what would happen if they tried. They would have never ever seen my children again (or me).

People treat you the way you allow them to.

I say I enabled contact. But believe me he doesn’t know how to say no to her. He’ll complain to me, But suck up to her and allow her to be rude to us all. So all I did was try to make her visits as pleasant as possible.
Then he’ll say, that’s done for another year!!

Shit really will hit the fan if I don’t go to her demanded dinner!

So let it. What's the worst that will happen?

What is the relationship between your husband and his mother if he has been ignoring her for 30 years tho?

Yes, the dynamics of an abusive parent and their child are complicated and tend to follow the usual F.O.G for the victim. No one should be encouraging the victim to host their abuser.

I think people are being mean to the OP here. It's a major thing to cut off contact with a parent and grandparent. It sounds like her DH didn't really want to see his mum but was passive about it. If anyone was going to formally cut contact, it should have been the DH, not OP. It sounds like OP has mainly kept out of it and let her DH deal with it, which is what I would have done, I think.

I wouldn't be overly guilt-tripped by this thread OP. It's very easy for others to just type that they would have cut off someone else's family member.

However, now you've got to the point you're at, especially with adult children etc, I agree with others' advice to agree as a family that you don't want to see her.

Your DH has to deal with her

Your husband gave up so why the hell do you care? I’d love my DH to give up on his mum so I could!!

Pack up and leave yourself then and refuse contact, as your children have.

So you allowed this to continue for years and HE allowed you all to be insulted and upset to tears.

Your poor children.

Haven't rtft but I wouldn't go. I'd be extremely clear about my reasons and then I'd go NC.

I think id be blunt ....look mil I've pushed the grandchildren and your son for 30 years all are adults now so I'm not doing it anymore and as you've never liked me I'm out. Arrange a meeting elsewhere I'm not coming.