Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

Why does she have your phone number? My MIL doesn't.
Block her and delete. Also block on every other mode of contact.

this. What took you so long?

What does your DH say about you not going?

Well obviously ignore the demand that you book something. And all other demands. But be supportive of your husband, who may not be at the same point emotionally as you are.

"Sorry that doesn't work for us"

"I'm sorry but we are not playing along anymore. You don't get to set all the agenda and then lecture us about behaviour when your own behaviour is so bad the children don't want anything to do with you. That's of your doing not ours"

"If you turn up uninvited we will treat it as harassment and I will report it to the police"

"Reflect on your behaviour. Because this has gone past the point where we are prepared to be manipulated by your emotional abuse"

And block.

She doesn’t! Apparently this breaks her heart. She has actually sat and cried over this. She has our landline, yet has never called me personally to chat, only when she couldn’t get through to DH. Then pretended to think I a cleaner( we don’t have a cleaner) and asked to speak to dh

just arrange to be elsewhere and book into a nice hotel on another town or stay over at friends or go to the cinema or have a work trip. A million reasons if you want to make up an excuse. Delete and block her from your phone - cut contact it’s the only way, then your DH is the contact channel and he’ll have to deal with her

Really? It’s only one dinner, let’s keep the peace!!

You have a DH problem

Just stick to your guns

And tell him you don't expect to see her in your home

Or go, and tell her exactly what you think of her and bring up specific examples of her terrible behaviour over the years.

“As it’s only one dinner it won’t matter that I’m not there, it will be nice for your mum to have you to herself” 😁

Have you ever actually told her?
If you don't want to see her, then reply to the email. We don't want to meet you for dinner and please don't come to our house. You are not welcome. Or just ignore it and carry on as you are. What are you afraid of?

Of course it isn't though. It's just her taking control again. And him giving in to that. It's about patterns of behaviour which he enables.

He can go by himself and deal with it if he thinks it's just one dinner.

If it was just one dinner it wouldn't be about her trying to lay down the law for the future because there wouldn't be a future to be considering.

I do, but it’s minor. We see mil every 18 months or so. But her tantrums are definitely getting worse as she’s getting older.
In all other ways he’s great.
I really feel now I’m truly putting my foot down he’ll see the light.

He might see the light or it might become easier to blame you for being awkward rather than his mother for her behaviour…

Yes, has she been told straight out?

I'd use Janvier's wording.

As for 'book something for tomorrow' just 'No' will do.

Why are you such a doormat. Not a question as her own son doesn’t want anything to do with her. Ignore the crazy toad.

@Cowboycorgi I don’t know what we’re afraid of.
But we are definitely afraid

Its bloody ridiculous!

Poor nothing - he's an adult man with agency over his own life!

I think you and the kids should all go and tell how her behaviour is unacceptable, how it affects each of you, and that none of you are prepared to see her in future unless she commits to change.
You've all done your best then. Good luck.

”Dear MIL,
You are an abusive vile toad. Your own son can’t stand you yet because I pushed him.. he has had contact with you. Your grandchildren think you are a terrible person and want nothing to do with you”.

Can't you just say you're busy that day?

Honestly I don’t know. It infuriates me. I’m a high earning professional woman running my own business with four grown up kids. Yet when she emails or has contact with any of my family I’m reduced to a mouse

Then change that!

No. Repeat. No.

Just stick to your guns. If your DH decides to go as he is a wet lettuce then he can go and deal with his mum. And next time you have to face her and this old drama co to use I would just tell her that she is the one who has been behaving poorly and it's her own fault nobody likes her.