Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

So DH wasn't brave enough to set a boundary with her and gave mixed messages by sucking up to her at the same time as quietly disliking her.

Sounds like you need to be the villain to get rid of her. So be it.

Not sure why you're being berated for 'forcing' this on your husband. He's the son in this relationship and it's his responsibility. Infact he's used you if anything.

Your husband and children have dropped the rope with her, time you did the same.

Bullies don’t deserve attention. She CHOSE to be a bitch, no one made her behave like that. I absolutely would not go to her family meeting. It would boil my blood the audacity of her.

I feel for you as my MIL is very similar!
She's actually rude to my children now too, one is autistic and can't cope with her boys usual 'ignore it's just mum' because it's damaging. Needless to say the narcissist in her too is making herself the victim as they all do, like your MIL
GLAD you're not going! Grey rock the miserable cow!

Nope. If DH isn't going then I certainly would not be going.

How does she propose to force you? What's she done that nobody likes her, even her own son?

I kept things going for my DH thinking it was best when what he needed was to ideally go NC with them but now we’ve achieved LC it’s much better

Logistics - where is this family meeting being held? Who is expected to be there?

If she thinks it’s going to be at your house, go out for the evening. She can sit outside all she likes, you aren’t there.

If she’s called it at a restaurant, politely decline and just don’t go.

She can’t compel you or your DH or your adult children to see her. You have agency, she’s not your boss, she’s not your sergeant. If DH wants to go, let him. But no one else needs to.

Mil is similar.Dh has been NC for 3 months now.She is a selfish self absorbed cunt who barely knows my ds who lives 2 mins away

So who’s the victim? Him? Definitely?
Me, the kids? I actually think all of us are caught up in some ridiculous web she weaves.
I don’t know what’s suddenly changed for me. But I’m getting out.
Thank you all.
Im not going to the dinner

He won’t do it!

Op, so will your husband go without you?

Go for you deciding not to go. I hope that one change will give you the impetus to continue on that path. Ignore her. She is not your responsibility and she has not been kind to you.
Hopefully soon you will feel a load has lifted.

@AliceMcK
Funnily enough we are moving soon, the thought had crossed my mind

Do you have a time and date for The Dinner of Doom? Will she be expecting you to cook and host?

This thread has shown me this is where I’m at.
I truly tried for years

I think the posters blaming you and demanding you apologise are wrong. You have only been doing your best and your husband is also capable of making adult choices to protect himself and his family, despite his upbringing.

Tell her in writing that you won't see her and explain truthfully why. Then block and ignore and if she harasses you for contact, call the police.

Oh im guessing no he’s going!
she’s just sent an email saying “ book something for tomorrow”

Obviously the woman's son and grandchildren are her victims, they wouldn't have been abused by the woman for 30 years without someone facilitating the abuser. Your husband gave up on her decades ago, you said, and you made him and your kids be around the woman.
I'm repeating myself.

Anyway, I'm out, this is depressing to read, as someone with abusive parents.

Then go out and force his hand

Then either you do it or not but either way, block her

If she turns up, go out.

Make him deal with his own bloody mother!

I honestly don’t know

So no one actually wants a relationship with her, but you have been trying to make everyone interact anyway.

The only unreasonable thing is that you have allowed this to continue for 27 years.

Otherwise, yanbu. But someone has to tell her before she spends money to come to you. Normally I would say this should be DHs job as she's his mother, but it sounds like he would have gone NC years ago except for your intervention so you do need to be part of this.

I think you need to draft an email or letter that comes from both you and DH, laying out that you have put in a huge amount of effort to keep a positive relationship going, against DH's better judgement, and that in the light of the continued negativity from her you are no longer prepared to do that. Make it clear that she is very welcome to try to cultivate a more positive relationship with your DC now that they are old enough to interact independently and you will do nothing to obstruct or discourage that, but that you will not be making yourself available to her for any further criticism, so will not be participating in any such meeting. It should be sent primarily from DH but you should put in the work to draft it.

Then, as always, you have a DH problem

So you've got to pay for the privilege...sorry you have other plans