Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

NC with father following almost 50 years of horrendous nariccistic behaviour. So I feel your & H's pain.
My young adult daughter said to me, "Why do you keep going to the buffet when you're the one on the menu?"
Quite. Game changing advice.
Blocked since then.

Protect your peace.
Do not attend this meal.
Do not engage further.
You've tried. She wants to be the 'winner' and the victim. No more.
Good luck.

Too late to move house I guess?

Are your kids still at home? Could you go stay somewhere for a couple of days so if does sit on the doorstep no one is coming home anyway? It's extreme measures but if she's going to turn up no matter what you say at least it gives you some control.

So he is happy to go? To book it? Leave him to it.

I have been in a very similar situation to you. Dh and mils go between always the one at fault. There was no past childhood trama. Dh had a living home. Just left me to it and therefore everything was my fault. Mil also started to do snarky digs, implying I tricked dh into more than 2 kids ( we had been together over 20 years by then) I wasn't blood therefore should not come before her ( aka I'm just the current transiant shag of choice) all backed up with lots of being told the ex sil wasn't as good a mum as the new sil, kids didn't love her like they lived their new, younger, fitter sexy mummy.

I blew up and backed out. The options gone now. Talk to dh or talk to no one. Be civil to me or go away. I told her we could get back in touch if she stopped using me as a middle man. She agreed but recently told me I'm stopping her relationship with the kids as she can't see my FB posts. I asked her why her son couldn't send her photos. She predictably was rude and that was how it was left. Of course she can't have this convo with him, she comes to me while being rude about it.

Only I can facilitate these mil, grandkids, dh relationships. Only me. No one else. Not even mil. But if dh and me split, who would do it then? I asked her directly this question and her reply was that she would never talk to any of us ever again. So I blocked her. Wish granted. She is unblocked now but my dh and her talk directly? Fucking outrageous bullshit.

Only via Jesus will you get into heaven

Only via me will mil talk to dh.

But I neither want or choose that crap.

OMG thank you

And I really have tried.

I now will protect my peace

How about borrowing a SOLD sign and sticking it in the front garden?

Close the curtains, lock everything up and nip off to a hotel until Monday. Pretty sure a Travelodge is better than having to phone the police to get her removed (and maybe the neighbours will do that for you).

Is she Italian mafia or something? If not tell your H to 'man up' on behalf of you all

I would go low or no contact.

This is your DH's issue to sort out.

This is not a meal to sort things out. One person wants to air their views and probably put you in your place. Does not sound as if there will be compromise or understanding.

Absolutely terrible idea to settle differences out in a restaurant.

Make your boundary and stick to it. Your DH and can meet for a meal. If DH wants to bring MIL back, I would make yourself scarce. Where will they stay (not with you I assume).

You cannot control other people, just how you react. Protect yourself then your grown up DC.

Just ignore the email, don’t book it. Chuck his phone in the bath/under the car.

she’s just sent an email saying “ book something for tomorrow”

Then maybe this is the time for (whoever the e-mail was sent to) to say.

"No, we're not going to book or turn up to a meal to have you berate and criticise our family."

Does your dh have siblings ? What is his relationship with them like ? What are their relationships with MiL like?
Where is she staying at the moment ? With other family ?

I have a lovely husband and a dreadful mother-in-law. For 15 years I went along with it all for the sake of family relations and keeping my husband happy. Then I stopped. And it was awkward to begin with. My husband was sad and family occasions were difficult to navigate and gentle pressure was put on me to resume the status quo. I held firm and now, many years later, I’m so glad I put my foot down.
It will be horrible the first time to opt out, but it gets easier and easier. Stick to your guns and your husband (and mil) will realise that you mean business.

Or reply

"Why is there something wrong with you that prevents you from making a booking for two? I am unavailable and not your PA"

Wow your daughter really hit the nail on the head didn’t she? @Pleeeeaaasehelp head over to the Stately Homes threads on here… your DH is still deep in the FOG - fear obligation and guilt. I suspect he grew up with this so it’s hard to break free. But gaining an understanding of it can help.

Take a leaf out of the kids books. Sorry MIL didn't see your message, phones been playing up. Unfortunately I already have plans and can't make it but have a lovely time. Kisses!

I would go and stay in a hotel whilst she is here. Then she can sit on your doorstep all day long.

Who did she send the email to?

What would happen if you sent back a simple "No"?

You could go to the dinner as long as it’s in a neutral place, a restaurant or hotel, then as soon as she’s rude you hold your hand up and say I’m not listening to rudeness and walk out. What can she do?

This is far better. Brilliant

Why? What can she actually do?

Some personality types are amazingly good at totally messing with your head. They are incredibly manipulative.

Watch some Youtube videos about dealing with covert narcissists. Try a few different YouTubers til you find one that you resonate with. I have found some great advice there explaining the emotional dynamic that some toxic people create, and how to handle it and heal from it.

I don't know why you wouldn't let her come over? She's asked for a meeting - she's opening the door of opportunity and allowing you all to tell her how you feel. Yeah, she may rant and rave, and possibly not get it, but it could be therapeutic for the rest of you.

What do your adult dc think about this?

Tell her to put it in a letter as no one wants to meet with her. Then you can choose to read it or not. Some of the family will likely at least want to know what her version is.

Whatever you decide to do OP. Keep your DC out of it…..adults or not, it’s not their circus.
You & DH could go along and when she tells you how terrible you are, you could both say that she obviously needs to free herself from your wickedness immediately and you won’t stand in her way.
To be honest though OP you’ve done your time, does your DH have siblings?

Are we partly in The Sub-continent. Pak/Ind/Bang?