Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

Option 6
Oh good. I will also have the opportunity to get off my chest how badly I’ve been treated by you for the last 30 years you evil cow

If your dh lets her in then put headphones on and get on with your day.
If necessary call the police.

What shit will hit the fan?

You, your DH and your DCs all don't want to see or speak to her. Plus she lives in another country?

Just block her everywhere.

So what if the shit hits the fan?

Nobody wants to see her and this is the cost of you forcing your h to see her.

Best case scenario she doesn’t talk to any of you any more so don’t bloody let her into your home. Its easier to send your feelings by text than face to face so tell her that you’re not doing this dinner. Grow a backbone and enjoy the rest of your life.

Google ' missing missing reason', which which take you to a website dedicated to abusive parents like your MIL. Lots of stories like the sitting-on-the-doorstep-wailing one.

(I'd post a link, but in the past when I've done that, I get accused of trying to drive traffic there for monetary gain.)

Yes but she sat on the step last time until dh came home so who let her in?
Too confusing for me.

This situation does sound awful.

Sounds like no one wants to go - so don't go

Think through what might happen -
she'll scream and shout - no one there to hear her
she'll come round to yours to scream and shout - call the police (this is one of the nuclear options I agree) warn the neighbours to the possibility
she never speaks to you again - result!
she sends other family members around - send them away with a flea in their ear
she disinherits DH - you'll survive

I'm sure I've left off some possibilities however all of these are survivable, if a bit uncomfortable at the time.

Channel Franklin Roosevelt - the only thing to fear is fear itself

I believe Michael Jackson’s father used to pretend to need the toilet.
Dont fall for it op.
Lob her a Tena lady through the window!

I’ve put up with her, because she forces herself upon us.Now that our last child has left I feel like don’t have to.
DH says he doesn’t want to see her, eye rolls when she’s here, yet has never directly stood up to her.

Doesn’t sound like it’s the DH that’s been forcing the contact, he gave up years ago from what is wrote in the OP

This. The ops dramatically saying ‘the shits hits the fan’ like she’s going to put an axe through your door and possibly through your face once she gets to the other side of it. What is the shit hitting the fan going to look like? An old lady getting angry? Block her number on everything, keep your door locked and leave her out there all night. Phone the police and have her removed if she becomes a nuisance

Yes, she turns up, wanting to see him, is always rude to me. So I pretended not to hear the door.

I didn’t want to be the cause of the breakdown of the relationship between DH and his mother. So I put up with a lot of shit. I was wrong. I should have put my foot down sooner

She obviously wants to have a go at you over dinner. So just tell her that you don't fancy it and wont be attending. Just don't engage when she goes nuclear, give lots if 'I'm sorry you are feeling that way' comments. I'd even be inclined to throw in a 'maybe we can understand when you've calmed down'.

She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family

So, she's 'demanded' a meeting in which she gets to have a go at you all for not wanting to see her? Yeah, fuck that.

She's not 'forcing' dinner. None of you have to go. She can't round you all up with a collie dog and corral you into a pen.

She sounds nuts and I really don't know why you'd be trying to push your husband to continue a relationship with her.

I feel like more context is needed to form a helpful response.

@Pleeeeaaasehelp you say MIL lives abroad, is that in her home country, or has she moved away? Is there a cultural expectation on her behalf that she’ll be loved and respected regardless of her behaviours? Is DH expected to be a dutiful son and she’s seen you as taking him away from her, or taking up too much of his attention? She’s treated you badly, has DH never stood up for you?

When you say the shit’ll hit the fan, what do you mean? That she’ll bad mouth you more than she already does? Disinherit DH? He’s not interested in her anyway, so he can’t have it both ways.

Perhaps you need to be totally passive and disengage. His mother, his problem. You say you facilitated a relationship with your DCs until they were old enough to choose, you’ve done your job.

Oh fgs, this is pathetic now. She's not some indestructible force to reckon with.

She's an old lady who was forced into your children's lives by YOU. Seems like you are in awe of her in some weird way. Stop putting your family through this. So she demands a meeting, unless you are forced by gunpoint to go I can't see who is making you go?