To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

I would talk to your parents and ask them if they think it’s time to stop the childcare. Tell them it’s causing disruption and chaos in the household.

Your siblings won’t stop their parents seeing the dc, they won’t want to miss out on ad hoc babysitting.

Stop helping with childcare, the more you help the longer this will drag on for.

As a last resort, could you ask a charity for older people such as Age Concern to speak to your parents to tell them they are not obliged to do this?

The thing is they absolutely would stop us seeing the children - when childcare isn't needed we can go 5/6/7 weeks without seeing them, and when we ask to see them we get told no, they're busy, they'll organise for us to babysit

To play devils advocate, could your siblings with children argue at you’re exploiting your parents by using it as a hotel and not moving out?

Ask your parents if they’re comfortable and if they are then it’s not much to do with you!

How old are you and the other sibling still at home?

No, as both siblings remained living at home much longer than we have so far! We are out all day, leave the house at 7:30 and return at 6:30 earliest, so we're hardly exploiting it.

They're not happy. They're not comfortable and say often that they're worried they're in over their heads now but when they try to say no, they get a ton of shit.

In our 20s, but it's hardly relevant

Well, your parents are adults and if they can't cope then they should say so. If you can't cope then you should move out. I'm not sure what else there is to be said beyond that.

This is up to your parents to sort out, not you. How elderly are they?

What do you do for a living? Could you increase hours or retrain and rent somewhere. Even a house share?

I'm saying I'm worried about my parents, and as I said in my main post - if they say no they get denied access to their grandchildren

No I can't increase my wage at the moment and that's something that is fine with my parents, they have said multiple times they are happy with my sibling and I remaining at home for as long as we want, we are all happy and this is not relevant to my post?

It is relevant to your post OP in as much as, as others have said, there’s nothing you can do. Your parents are agreeing to do it, there is nothing you can do about that. But if the tantrums and the child bugs are bothering you that much then you can find a way to move out.

It’s up to your parents to tell your siblings if they are unable to cope, it’s not for you to get involved because you can say whatever you want to them but until your parents put their foot down and say no more, it will continue.

Of course it’s relevant. Four siblings are utilising their parents’ time and living space, not two. It’s up to your parents to determine whether and to what extent either form of use is ok.

@StTola as I've said, my parents are happy for us to remain at home as they'd rather we saved for a deposit than rented, again not sure how it's relevant

You said your parents had spent a lot of time in hospital due to being sick. What do your siblings do with their children then? Are they bothered that they are making their parents ill at all?

My PIL were in this situation.

Only Covid resolved it as restrictions meant they could not see the grandchildren, they have not resumed post covid.

My SIL is unhappy.

It depends on which parent is ill. If it's my dad, my mum is expected to have the children. If it's my mum, they find "emergency" care (other family members on the other side of the families) who then get very gushy, snippy instagram posts etc., made about them - think "thank you to the best nanny for looking after me today!" with a picture of said grandparent and child, while my parents barely get a word of thanks

They don't care they're sick, they just get annoyed their childcare plans have changed and nasty comments are made to us about them possibly having to work from home. Last year both parents were incredibly ill at the same time, I was also sick. I was asked if I could call in sick to work to look after the children

Covid made it worse as my siblings are classed as key workers and so we bubbled with them as a childcare bubble 😩

It sounds like your parents are happy to have you there but don’t want to be childcare for grandkids, which makes sense as you are adults.

I think many of the people telling you to move out probably would let their own adult offspring live with them for years and years so I’d take their advice to move out with a pinch of salt.

Nothing to do with you. Sorry. If your parents aren't happy with the arrangements, they need to speak up.

How old are your parents?
If it's too much for them they need to say so. Maybe your siblings don't bring the kids over other times as they think your parents need a break?
Do you and your parents gobto visit them? or is it expected that they come to visit?
Just trying to see all sides.
young kids are hard work but I wouldn't be letting them run riot, there should be consequences to bad behaviour and if the parents don't like it then they find other childcare

It sounds like all of you are exploiting your parents!

65&70

We try and visit but get told no, we can't, as they're too busy and we'll see them on childcare days - but it's very different when they're with their parents etc and there's none of the stress of looking after them for hours on end

Of course, I forgot on Mumsnet children are only a part of the family until they're 18 and then they must immediately leave home as staying a second longer is exploitation!

What a ridiculous comment. I do everything I can for my parents, I pay them rent, when they're sick I'm the one looking after them and making sure they are okay.

“The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.”

Tbh your parents are making a rod for their own back here, they should be disciplined when acting badly regardless of how the parents do it at home, when your at nana and grandads you follow their rules. When you witness bad behaviour do you ever step in? That’s the one thing you can do in this situation to try help.

You're going to get a ton of crap about still living with your parents and people will also presume you're not paying your way and on that basis, you're exploiting your parents as much as your other siblings are with their child-care demands.

It isn't the same, but ultimately unless your parents say no to the child care, it is going to continue.