To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

I was offering a different perspective but you are seemingly incapable of reflection and instead intent on wallowing.

But your perspective is too rigid and you are refusing to see things in context. Between you and Op, she knows her family situation better and your posts are denying that.

Those posters who think adult dc shouldn’t live at home did you give/ intend to give your dc a deadline for moving out ? Just wondering how this works? Can’t imagine telling my early 20s dc they’re no longer welcome! Unless you’re was seriously minted and buying them a flat how do you h go o about ejecting young adults ? Unless they’re badly behaved and causing issues where I suppose you just tell them to leave by the end of the month or whatever.
Genuinely interested as most people I know have lived with parents till mid 20s often leaving to move in with a partner / get married. Those without a partner are usually late 20s as getting a place on your own obviously costs more so have to save for longer. Seems to be common in my are anyway!

i’m more then happy to help and advise with this if needed. There is a huge amount I’ve obviously left out so please send me a message if you need any advice or support.
I’ve had a huge amount of help over the years dealing with this and completely understand the position you are in.

Don’t think people think adult children shouldn’t live at home
Most of the PPs think adult children shouldn’t live at home AND try and dictate what help their parents then provide to their other siblings. If the OP doesn’t like it she needs to figure out a way to move out. Attitude stinks.

So it's ok for you to still be living at your parents home even though you're an adult but the grandchildren shouldn't?

Ok 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe move to a part of the country you CAN afford and give your parents their house back to enjoy on their own.

Youngsters won't sacrifice anything now though - we gave up virtually everything to save to move out.

Now though they want mobile contracts, car loans, gym membership, university fees (unnecessarily in most cases), coffee at £5 a go, nails, hair, lashes, nights out, holidays etc etc.

Of course they're not.

For some people it's also 'normal' for young adults to house share in rentals rather than have to be able to have a place in their own or with a partner. I lived in house shares for around 8 years in my 20's, then a one bedroom flat with my partner. We didn't live in a house on our own until we had a baby in our 30's. Most people I know the same. So for me it seems odd when I hear people saying DC can't move out because they're saving for a house deposit as if the only way to leave home is to have a house of your own.

I cannot understand the comments you are getting at all. You have every right to live with your parents, pay rent and contribute to the household as a 25 year old person. In fact I bet you and your sibling living there make their lives easier.

I can only assume that lots of people here are using and abusing their own elderly parents for free labour. Just ignore them OP.

I don’t think there’s much you can do about the original question though, it really needs to come from your parents. They need to start dropping hints about how tired they are and refuse to take anymore on, that should be a start at least.

People saying that you should move out will change their mind when their child reaches adulthood.
My daughter is 28, working 40 hours a week and would struggle on her own with rent etc.
The post wasn't about you and your sibling living at home!

How do you work that out? The kids who are at home are only there at night time and financially contributing to the household. As well as looking after their parents when they’re ill. Whilst the other siblings drop their kids round purely for childcare, with absolutely zero consideration to the impact they are having on their parents. Did you also fail to read the bit where OP said that their siblings lived at the family home until they were older than OP is now?

Lots of people can’t afford to move out for multiple reasons. I’m assuming that you’re one of them of the era who have enjoyed the lower prices of homes and free higher education without a clue what it is like to live in the current ‘real world’.

I hope your children abuse you for childcare like the OP‘s siblings are doing to their parents. Maybe then you’ll be a little more understanding. At the same time we can watch you moan about it on your own post about you’re too old and can’t cope. FFS.

SMH

Wow there are some nasty comments on here. Firstly your siblings with kids sound like they are walking all over your parents and taking the piss quite frankly. Your parents should explain they are not getting any younger and it’s too much for them and they want to cut down the childcare. I can see you are trying to look out for them and see them being taken advantage of. Others saying you should move out this is unfair when she has said her parents are happy with it.

Are your siblings aware of the government funding and tax free childcare? Don't get me wrong, nursery is expensive and I have to pay it as I haven't for the luxury of having family around for the odd day here and there. It sounds like nursery would be great for them to burn off energy in an acceptable way, rather than tantrums and fighting etc. Are your siblings reasonable enough for you to have a conversation about the impact it's having on your parents and ask them to put them into nursery for at least 2 days a week to give your parents a break? If your parents are away a lot of nurseries will allow additional days as required if they have space.

In terms of the school age child, I'm assuming your parents look after them during school holidays. There are normally "boot camps" with fun activities for them to do, which I believe can be covered with tax free childcare also. I'm not sure about government funding.

I personally wouldn't go into the fact that they're bringing home bugs etc as they may lay into you about still living at home and turn it around on you.

I don't think the OP is "wallowing" at all!!!

It totally depends on the circumstances! There's no right or wrong either! It's much easier to save for a house deposit if you are living with your parents, and renting IMHO is a waste of money.

My eldest moved away after living at home for her first degree in uni. She then moved elsewhere, lived there for 3 years, and then got a job near home. Why on earth would I make her throw money away on renting when she has a perfectly good bed at home? We won't be providing a house deposit, so this is our contribution. She's pretty much saved a deposit for her own house now.

My second moved home for 2 years after graduation, and then moved abroad to do a Masters, a course she was head-hunted for. Now, this will blow some tiny minds, but she has zero funding, so we are paying her rent and living expenses. She has a talent and we believe in her, so sacrifices have had to be made!

Youngest is also living at home while studying for his degree in uni.

I will always put my children first, no matter what.

Wow!!!

65 and 70 can hardly be classed as elderly!!! Many are still working around that age. I was thinking 80+! My parents are similar ages and love having their grandchildren, I think you’re all taking the mickey personally

Are you seriously trying to justify this? I really hope you don’t treat your parents like this! If you do then you should be ashamed of yourself!

OP’s siblings are managing to afford multiple expensive holidays per year but refuse to fork out for childcare and use their children as a weapon against their own parents when they can’t cope. Vile behaviour from her siblings. Speaks volumes about OP’s siblings and others that do the same!

It's a shame some people on here just want to rip you to shreds. There is no reason why you should not still live at home. I'm sure your parents enjoy your company and are proud that you are living sensibly to save for a house. I don't understand any parent who would be unhappy with the set up if they are helping you. I'm a parent and grandparent. I look after my grandchild for free and wouldn't have it any other way. There are always bugs and germs going around and i have caught a few bugs so i know what you mean. In short your siblings are selfish, horrible creatures and it's perhaps time 'somebody' suggested some older person groups or activities that would be beneficial to your parents health, which would scale back childcare, perhaps it could be the doctor who suggested it, and you take the lead in telling your siblings, this is how it's going to be and that your mum and dad will be available on reduced hours. I also think your parents should separate the kids or take away treats if they are fighting all the time. Your parents worry about not getting to see the kids is sad. Perhaps put in the right way, this might not happen.
I hope it is resolved before your mum and dad get very ill. Don't you take time off, they are not your kids, and i guarantee your siblings would never repay this in the future by helping you! Good luck!

Because she didn't realise how bitchy people want to be

This. Adult children, that choose to have children, need to sometimes understand that they either need to pay for professional childcare, or one parent stay home with them. 🤷‍♀️

It depends on the health of the grandparents. 🙄