To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

The parents don't even need to talk to the grandchildrens parents. I'm sure all of us remember going to granny's house and knowing what the rules were there, and sticking to them? No different here. Enforce their own rules in their home.

Why do you think that your parents won’t put their feet down and refuse to do this, OP? My Mum was always upfront that she wouldn’t provide constant unpaid childcare and I respected that. Sadly she died before I actually had children, but I knew her feelings on the matter.

Given that your Mum nearly died of pneumonia in March, why isn’t she/your Dad standing up for themselves? Surely your siblings throwing a strop is better than death?
Are they afraid of your siblings for some reason?

@Runnerinthenight you'll have to point it out then because there are no question marks in the OP

This is why I will never offer regular childcare. No good deed etc etc.

@SunQueen24 I don’t know, one of them has just booked a luxury three week all inclusive in October, the others have been on three holidays this summer, they both have rental properties bringing in income from inheritances etc.? They're not exactly scraping by, they're very very comfortable

Op. why on earth are you replying to the idiots who keep telling you to move out???

Just ignore them.

You sound like a lovely daughter.

I would just tell your parents to say no to babysitting in the winter and tell them not to worry if they don't see the brats.

Because they know that access to the grandchildren, who they all love, will be taken away

You said you couldn’t afford a house share. Which is different to them not being available. I bet your parents worry about you and if you’ll ever establish independence just as they worry about providing free childcare.

I don't see how you can equate regular childcare with young adults living at home? They're not remotely comparable? I like having my kids at home. I will miss them terribly when they do move out. Two of the three did live away from home for uni. I hated it every time they went back. I will not be providing regular childcare if they have children. I paid for my kids' driving lessons when they were at school.

On the OP's salary, she wouldn't have a hope of being able to buy, because she would never be able to save.

Then your parents need to push back with a "we want quality time with the children and we don't feel this is quality time anymore" if it's not a cost thing.

@SunQueen24 I can't afford the few that are available because they're all £750+ a month. My parents are fine with me, they're very happy with our situation and I don’t know why yoi need to be so judgmental.

How? If they have no other childcare it’s not even practical for them to withhold contact. What’s the basis of this threat?

I would imagine their parents want to have at least a day or 2 a week without anyone but each other in the house.

My parents were the same. They looked after my brother's first child (not any of mine, I live 350 miles away), and so felt obliged to look after ALL his kids, and he went on to have four. My parents (particularly my mother) complained a lot. She enjoyed it, but as she got older and more children were added, she got more and more tired. All improved when the children were at school and only needed the odd bit of fetching and babysitting.

As for the illnesses, you can't blame it all on the children, if you are working outside the home, and your parents leave the house, then they could well be bringing bugs in from anywhere. But it's up to your parents to say enough is enough. You can still be worried about them, but ultimately it's their problem.

@SunQueen24 because that's the type of people they are.

@Meditationgame for the millionth time. My parents are happy with our situation. I recently spent a week away and they both commented on how happy they were to have me back as the house was quiet and lonely! We have a good relationship.

She shared the situation her parents are in and the question mark is in the title??? I don't think it's hard to figure out?

Have I got this right -

Your parents had 4 children.

The eldest two stayed living at home right up until their 30s and were then given 'huge deposits' when they finally moved out?

Now they have you OP (aged 25) and another one (older?) still at home?

They also are used as unpaid childcare whenever one of older siblings needs it. This older sibling is very entitled about this?

Your mum is 65 and your dad 70?

Blimey.

I think they should sell up and move abroad asap.

Not all parents are like that. Mine weren't.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease Well, access will definitely be taken away if they die.

Perhaps you need to be blunt with them and remind them how ill your Mum was in March. Tbh, I’m taken aback that your Dad isn’t standing up for her, I’d be fierce if my DH had nearly died.

We never had any regular grandparent childcare. However if my parent(s) or in-laws had ended up seriously ill in hospital (and nearly died) after picking up a bug from my children, I would have felt very guilty and put in reasonable steps to make sure it didn't happen again.
PS you can be vaccinated against pneumonia if vulnerable and shingles if over 70 too.

I am really sorry, OP. You sound a decent and caring daughter.
Let me mark your card.
DParents will say nothing and this will continue for the next 10 years until youngest grandchild is at secondary school. (Your entitled older siblings already have form if they stayed at home until their 30s and only left with large deposits.)
If further illness strikes one of your DPs, neither of your EOS will be around. They will melt into the background.
EOS will approach your parents with schemes to try to spend any inheritance before it might be needed for care.
Further down the line, should either of your DParents need to go to a care home, EOS will fight you like mad to make DParents stay in the family home so the family inheritance is ring fenced. They will impress upon you that as you are more junior in your career, you can get more time off than they can...
When your lovely DParents reach end of life, EOS will make an appearance demanding to control the funerals, any arrangements and of course, they will be in the front of the queue for the reading of the will...
I'm sorry it will be like this. But best to know now, so you can decide how to deal with EOS. They quite clearly see your DParents as fair collateral damage. Again, I am very sorry.

@Runnerinthenight I haven't equated the 2 things. They are simply both services that many parents provide for adult children, despite the fact that in an ideal world they'd prefer not to have to.

I do not expect or want my adult children to live at home for as long as it would take for them to save a deposit to buy. They can stay at home while they save a deposit to rent, and some buffer savings, and then get out in the world and live like actual adults. Home ownership is not an entitlement or reasonable expectation for most people. We are not rich. Those who have parents willing to subsidise them for 5 years or more so they can save a deposit to buy a property are, I'd suggest, in the minority.

You're parents probably need to be more assertive and say clearly that they cannot manage the amount of childcare they are doing. Perhaps they could just do a fraction of what they do now? If they don't want to bring it up there is little you can do, unless you speak to your siblings yourself and make it clear to them that your parents cannot manage. If they have health problems I can well believe it's very difficult for them - I'm only in my 50s and I could do it but it would be tiring if it was very frequent.

As for living at home - that hasn't got anything to do with it. My son is a similar age to you and I would be happy enough for him to live here, if he paid rent. In fact, I sometimes think it would be nice to have the company.

I bet they don't. Some of us are happy to support our kids in whatever way we can. There will be a bed here for each of them while I have breath in my body.

The OP can't afford a houseshare!! And given that the elder ones were at home into their 30s I am sure they know that the younger two will fly the nest too!

They already have form for it. Everything falls to me as the only girl, however I'm not the eldest.