To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

I have tried but the kids just don't listen, it's a nightmare. If it was me and my brother when we were children we'd have been separated, put in separate rooms with no toys etc., and expected to apologise but the attitude of my siblings is to laugh when it's the younger ones and shout horrendously at the eldest. It gets them nowhere but my parents don't want to risk being told they're doing the wrong thing with discipline

I can totally understand how this is annoying, just on a personal level. However, I think it’s really up to your folks to voice how they are feeling; in my opinion there’s not really a lot you can do. Vote with your feet and don’t be around if you know young kids are going to be there. Preschoolers are very noisy and disruptive, I’ve had two and I’d not wish them on anyone 🤣🤣☺️❤️ Apart from that, I guess suck it up, save up quick smart and wave to them all in your rear view mirror…good luck!

What by living at home?

65 and 70 isn't elderly....

It's working age, for at least one of them.

Look if they're not happy they'll have to say something. They're adults. And not completely helpless ones despite how you think of them. You're not responsible for the decisions they make, or the ones they don't make.

I'd be annoyed too but it's really only your parents who can fix this.

Your parents (as adults) need to have an honest conversation with your siblings about how they feel. Nothing will change unless they do this.

They need to book their own holidays
Join a club or class
Simply state it's too much for them

To be kind, they could give notice that from the end of Sept they will no longer be able to provide this level of childcare

!!

OP, sit down with your parents and your other siblings still at home and ask your parents what they want and whether they need your help to resolve it this situation.

You can only get involved if they want you to.

The thing is we try and broach it with them and it always ends the same way, they know they're being exploited, that it can't continue but they worry they won't see the children and it just breaks my heart

Personally I believe adult children living at home are using/abusing parents far more than ones who moved on and grew up but accept childcare.

I would happily babysit grandkids to help my kids but I will not have adult children living at home and mooching just because they don't want to live in their means in the real world.

It seems like a compromise could be possible? Your parents could say something like: "Due to getting older, we can only do one day of childcare per week." Then they would still see the kids but it would be less tiring. Any parent would be mad to turn that down out of spite.

However if your siblings really are as brattish as you say (being angry at your parents for booking a holiday?), it seems they cannot be reasoned with.

What a nasty comment.

I'm training, on £18k a year and scraping as much as I can to save while also paying for my own training course - I do as much as I can but of course, children come first

I can see your point but it’s really not your place to start sticking your oar in and trying to influence what your parents do. If they wanted it to change enough, they’d do something about it themselves.

The answer when reducing it to come down is always "well that would cost us £X in fees, so X child will have to go without X activity and it makes them so happy"!!! Just baffling

Unrelated but I love the username

My issue is they tell us how tired they are but they won't change anything

Move out, then you won’t have to worry.🤷‍♀️

Helpful

I sometimes moan after looking after grandchildren for a day but I love doing it. We all like to moan. I’m sure if your parents couldn’t cope they would say. 65 and 70 isn’t that old. Maybe make sure they have their flu and Covid vaccines. I do refuse to look after the GC is any of them have a sickness bug which my children respect.

All you can do is vent.

The answer when reducing it to come down is always "well that would cost us £X in fees, so X child will have to go without X activity and it makes them so happy"!!! Just baffling

I understand that your parents are feeling blackmailed as they want to see the kids, but it’s on them if they’re too wet to force any kind of compromise like this. They’re not going to have a long term relationship with the kids anyway - as soon as childcare isn’t needed (about 7 years) they won’t see them. Most teenagers are in their own worlds and won’t see a grandparent without a parent facilitating it, and it sounds like the “parenting” is turning them into little shits anyway. They don’t have much to lose, putting a limit on the childcare.

The OP living at home is irrelevant. She doesn’t make her parents ill or swear at them. They are happy to have her there and she helps them out. The siblings are piss takers and it sounds harsh but from the kids’ behaviour I wouldn’t be that devastated if I didn’t see them particularly often as a result of refusing to do childcare. Maybe the “best nanny in the world” can look after them in the future.

And the answer to that is "Oh well! They'll live."

Seems like your parents are bringing this situation on themselves.

If they complain in future I would just say that it is totally within their power to resolve.

I bet your siblings don’t like the way you’re using your parents rather than living independently 🤷🏻‍♀️ each to their own.

They're vaccinated (we all are) but it just doesn't matter, we all get the bloody superbugs they come in with. They send them with snotty noses and say it's because it's cold out, but after about an hour will text and say "oh X needs Calpol!", by which time it's too late. We've asked them not to send them when they're sick but they maintain that it's just normal sniffles from nursery/school and it's not a problem

Can you give a breakdown of the ages of the people involved (DPs, you and other sibling living at home, other 2 siblings)?

I say this because if your parents are, say, early 60s then it seems very concerning that they are regularly spending time in hospital due to bugs that the grandkids bring home, but if they are late 70s then maybe the siblings with kids need to make other arrangements (and perhaps you need to think about moving out too).

What a stupid thing to say, given both my siblings stayed home well into their 30s and took huge amounts of money from my parents for deposits.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease im sorry you’ve had so many pp say you and your other stay-at-home sibling are exploiting your dps and getting so much flak. Presumably you and your sibling have had a proper chat with both dps and they are genuinely fed up and want to stop childcare duties? Or could they cope with fewer days/hours? The only way forward then is to tell the cf parents that they must find alternative childcare, unless they actually want to kill their dp with overwork! They may threaten no contact with the gc, but what is the alternative? They are bullying your dp into childcare,it’s not surprising your folks are on their knees, and frankly hints at a form of ‘elder abuse’. If you two have told the other siblings that this is too much for your parents, and if your parents have told them that too, then a firmer line must be drawn, and also maybe mention the situation to your dparents’ GP.