To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Do your parents have any acute or chronic health conditions and take any meds?

@Muthaofcats because each time they get poorly it's for a longer period of time, it's worse and it leaves them weaker afterwards.

Yes

I don't think it's your business really, you're all taking advantage of your parents and your parents need to set boundaries they're happy with. Focus on sorting your life out @NeedSomeAnswersPlease i- it sounds like you've sympathised and that's your only role here.

That wasn't what the OP asked.

Oh take no notice OP. I was more than happy to have my adult DC living here with me as long as they wanted. It was no bother to me at all. One still does at age 24 with no signs of moving out yet and that's fine. It's a very different 'favour' than providing free childcare that restricts your life and wears you out.

@Runnerinthenight the OP didn't ask anything, either in her original post or her reply to my post

But its going to be hard for your parents to not let you stay till 30 or deny you deposits or say they wont provide childcare, so it's going to be rather excessive devotion in the end.

Totally different scenarios unless the parents are fetching and carrying for their adult kids.

The parents already set the terms with the elder kids. Are your living-at-home adult kids "dependent" on you?

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I agree with you op.
I’m 67, I could not look after my dgc regularly, Dh and I get much more tired than just 5 years ago.
The difference is my dc recognise this and because I too have compromised immunity they will not visit if they’re unwell. They put my health first.
Your dp’s are silly and need to stand their ground and your siblings are disgraceful.

Would your dp’s as a compromise be willing to pay towards activities eg £100 a month?

We both have plans to not stay, and hopefully I'll qualify in a year or so and be on a larger salary and able to buy/rent

I'm not sure if my siblings would accept it. With such a big age gap with the first child, they see it as they got the childcare so everyone else is entitled to it

I dont think you can do much. Your parents need to be brave enough to say no.
I cant imagine not seeing my mum if she refused to provide childcare. Your siblings are disgraceful but your parents seem happy to put up with them.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do OP.

Your parents are putting up with this because they know they won't see their GC regularly if they refuse childcare.

They are being held to ransom and they know it. The siblings with children sound awful and the fact they essentially blackmail your parents.

At least your parents have two supportive adult children.

I'm 25. My parents did have me later in life, not that it's actually any of your business

Your parents need to be the ones to push back, you can't force them to stand up to your siblings. I appreciate you're worried about them, and you could speak to them about your concerns and what you've said here, but the conversation still needs to come from them. If they won't do that, there's not much else you can do. Doesn't sound like it would go down well if you spoke to your siblings for them.

Are you sure? Perhaps if asked your other siblings would claim that your parents love having their grandchildren regularly.

Ultimately it is up to your parents to set boundaries. I would keep out of it.

You should go to the doctor about your health. There's no way you should be getting sick that often.

That's just silly though - they're older now and not as fit to do it.

This is one of the (many!) reasons I would never commit to regular childcare for gc.

Tbh I think you’re all exploiting your parents. You’re still living there, you mention the cost of your parents having their children but there’s a financial and emotional cost of you and your remaining sibling still living there.

All four of you are impacting on your parents enjoying their retirement. You are all still dependent on them in some way.

It breaks my heart, it really does because I can't do anything. They adore the grandchildren but they're being used and (it feels like) emotionally abused. One of my siblings had the nerve to get angry when they booked a holiday six months in advance, they've just all booked a child free activity next year and automatically assumed my parents will do childcare for all GCs, when my parents said no it was immediately "you're disgusting, you're their grandparents, we've wasted money now!!!!" instead of understanding. Seeing them get sick every year terrifies me, we nearly lost my mum in March because of pneumonia and then my dad a few weeks later. It's been so tough but my siblings just don't care

Well, if the kids are that awful, it might be better for your parents not to see them.

I mean, there's nothing you can do really unless your parents put their foot down.

If you're all sick constantly from September until April then maybe you should all see a GP for check ups.

My sibling and I that live at home pay our way.