To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

Are you all genetically immuno compromised? This sounds a lot.
Children have been reported as catching far more post Covid because of the lack of exposure during lockdown. But that’s a temporary situation that will improve.

We have the conversation almost weekly when the kids have left.

We've asked so many times to think about sending the children when they're sick, but it falls on deaf ears

Sounds like all 4 of your parents' children are dependent on them in different ways. There's a saying about living in glass houses and throwing stones.

It's for your parents to decide (a) if they are prepared to provide childcare and if so, on what terms, and (b) if they want 2 adult children living at home indefinitely and if so, on what terms.

Be grateful you have such devoted parents.

Just typical of people joining posts because they have an opinion on something else in your post that has nothing to do with what your asking.
People are so judgemental.
Its great and it works for you and your parents.
As for the childcare situation it might be best to sit down and talk about it to come to a solution, your parents can't be expected not to discipline the children and let them away with everything, or be taken advantage off.

My dad is, the rest of us are just relentlessly exposed to four children's worth of germs, plus public transport etc doesn't help matters at all

Sounds like you are all entitled and using your parents in different ways.

They are grown ups and can manage their relationship around childcare themselves. It sounds like it is more the impact it has on you that you dislike. If you don’t like it you could move out.

I feel so sad for your parents. My friend is treated very badly by her son and is used as childcare all of the time, whether she’s ill or even if the children are ill. It’s really affecting her health and yet they treat her like shit. She can’t say no! It’s horrible to watch.

I think it’s time your siblings were told no! Your parents won’t lose their grandchildren but they are also not being treated as grandparents. It is no life for them.

Again, my parents are happy with our living situation. There is no need to stick your oar into that because you personally wouldn't like it - my parents genuinely love it

What an incredibly nasty thing to say.

If the children fight, swear etc and your parents aren’t allowed to discipline them then is it a great loss if your siblings are stupid enough to not let your parents and you see them? Let them look after their own feral children for a while and they’ll see what a meal ticket they had.
I agree with the pp who suggested contacting Age UK, maybe someone outside the situation talking it over with your parents might help.

both my siblings stayed home well into their 30s and took huge amounts of money from my parents for deposits.

Another approach, and I’m genuine here. Suggest your parents get therapy? They sound like mugs.

I agree with @titchy, your parents definitely aren’t elderly yet!

Look, they need to put their feet down about childcare and if that means that they don’t see their GC for a while, so be it. Your siblings will get over it eventually. Only your parents can change this situation, but if you want to say something to them about getting ill so often, take that approach and say that they need to look after themselves.

The thing that bothers me is that this will, in one way or another, kill my parents before too much longer

Why are your parents so weak? They seem overly devoted to all 4 of you.

Public transport?

Firstly, OP does anyone actually read why young people are having to stay at home?
I am in my 50’s, when I was earning around your wage I bought my first home - for 27k! Wages aren’t keeping up with mortgages and I think it’s great your parents are supporting you while you save for a deposit.
I am going to bite the bullet here - the siblings using your parents for childcare and also treating them miserably think they have them over a barrel.
They don’t.
Your parents’ best bet would be to say - we are happy to see the grandkids in leisure time, but you need to sort your childcare on your own.
Now there may be a fuss. Your parents at that point need to stand firm, just as they should be doing with the toddlers.
They might not see the grandkids for a while as they will be punished. But eventually they will be needed for something.
Your adult siblings need to stew in their own juices for a while. Let them take responsibility for their own children, and stop behaving like brats themselves.
Your parents deserve their own lives.

Well personally I believe that you are not living in the real world! Most of the houses in our street having 20-something adult children living at home. I have a 27 year old who has nearly saved up a house deposit. Youngest is in uni locally. The 25 year old was here for a time before moving abroad. I am happy to have them here whenever they need to be here. I didn't just decide to fuck them out at 18.

And nobody's "mooching" either. Eldest is a professional, youngest works PT around studying.

I would find the childcare much more onerous. These people are not "accepting" childcare either. They're demanding it.

@needsomeanswersplease actually I have adult children living at home, I'm fine with it. I'd prefer it if they had their own places, but they're not quite there yet so I'm happy to support them while they establish themselves.

Likewise I relied on my parents for childcare (for which I paid) when they were younger.

As for "sticking your oar in" - if you don't want opinions which you don't share, don't ask strangers on the internet for their opinions.

This sounds like the dynamic with my mil and sil, mil complains about the other siblings to her dd at home but won’t address anything herself, so I do understand the position you’re in - I’ve told her the same as other people have said to you, it’s for your parents to sort.

As hard as it is for you because you want to help - it’s not your place.

You see more than you would if you weren’t living there but you need to shut them down if they complain to you and tell them to tell your sibling not you and just don’t get involved. they’ll either stop complaining or will address it but it eases your stress.

Still help them like you do now and look after them when their sick but if you don’t want to, you need to move out.

@Testina to and from work, I can barely afford that let alone a car

That's such a sad situation OP. And unfortunately not uncommon to see people bullied by their adult DC with the GC the weapon of choice. I don't know what the answer is, because if your parents pull back on the childcare, they may well lose seeing the DC altogether. Perhaps they could agree to do less childcare, so they'll still be 'allowed' to do it, because they'll be saving their children some money, but its not so full on? I'm glad they have at least one child who cares about their wellbeing.

I get it. My parents are in a similar situation with my DN. And they have a 5 hour drive round trip to help out too.

They had my two when they were younger and helped out but that was ten years ago now and there was no driving involved. My brother basically said because they helped out for me, he expected them to help him. He has them fetching and carrying. He also doesn't pay them petrol or give them money for food they pick up, meals they cook and days out (we paid their expenses or booked things for them to do).

I've spoken to my parents who regularly moan about how tired they are looking after a 2 year old. I've said they need to tell my brother, particularly after DN turns 3 and gets extra nursery hours. My brother thinks it's cruel to have a child in nursery 5 days a week and this is his compromise.

They stopped for my two when we got free 30 hours just after age 3 too.

I don't have the type of relationship with my brother where I could tell him he's being an entitled idiot. I'd just get an earful.

Have encouraged my parents to discuss with my brother but I hold out little hope.

Kill them? Why?

your siblings entitlement and lack of care for the impact on them sounds horrendous, but you all sound like giant babies unable to stand on your own two feet and I expect that this is in no small part down to your upbringing so it appears your parents are part of the problem.

have you told your sibling that your parents are struggling?

It is, and incredibly tone deaf too!

I don't think it's "overly devoted" to not want your children in their early 20's to be homeless 🥴