To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Is there a need to be gratuitously nasty?!

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease just ignore. It's not anyone's business and it's not what you asked.

@runnerinthenight my adult kids have jobs, so I couldn't say they're dependent on me, but I do still pay for things they need but can't afford - driving lessons, etc. I'm not sure what the relevance of your question is though. Surely the point is: if parents are prepared to have adult children at home, that's up to them. If they're prepared to provide childcare, that's up to them. Some adult children will take the piss, others will be respectful and appreciative. I think it's very reductive for the OP to be so scornful of her older siblings without recognising that actually, while she might not be able to afford to rent or buy her own place, she could almost certainly afford to rent a room in a house share. Her parents may very well look forward to a life where they aren't providing childcare and sharing their home with adult children.

This is just silly. For a start, an averagely healthy person does not get that many illnesses just from using public transport.
But you’ve described parents as getting weaker with each illness, who seem to be more than averagely susceptible to bugs, and you think it will shorten their lives. But now you’re saying you are part of the problem.
They’ve housed all 4 children longer than average and provided deposits for 2 of you. FGS ask them to buy and insure a car for you, for their health protection.

😂😂

Erm, I can see a very clear question in her OP.

I have a feeling you may look back at this with different eyes when you are older and potentially in their situation.

If the parents on the other side can help when necessary and get loads of appreciation for it, perhaps it's time for the childcare to be shared between the two sets of grandparents.

It sounds like a really tricky situation your parents have drifted into helping which has turned into being essential, as other childcare is too expensive. If they really can't cope they are going to have to say they can't cope and whatever the consequences that is just a fact. It could also become dangerous for the children if your parents are sick or warn out and are just not able to supervise properly for prolonged periods. Perhaps that tack would have more traction, a few dear Johnny nearly fell down the stairs mum wasn't fast enough to catch him...they are getting to be a real handful now mum and dad are older.

Childish.

@Runnerinthenight it really seems that some people have an issue with adult children being allowed to stay at home because they never were, but the economy is just so different. If I could move out I would, and I'm so grateful for everything my parents do for me and could cry every time I think of them, I adore them and wish I could pay them back for everything but I know I never will

What’s your problem @Demonhunter?
Why are you being so nasty?

Why?

If OP can’t afford a house share I doubt they are paying their way.

I don't have plans to have children for at least 5 years, by which time my parents will be 70&75, I've seen what this has done to them over the last 5 years and would never ever dream of doing this to them

Your parents need to operate a "their house their rules" mentality with the grandchildren but equally why should they stop spending time with them?

Honestly this site gets worse. For the hard of reading OPS PARENTS ARE HAPPY TO HAVE ADULT CHILDREN LIVING AT HOME THEY ARE NOT HAPPY CONSTANTLY LOOKING AFTER YOUNG CHILDREN BUT DAREN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THEY WILL BE DENIED ACCESS TO SAID CHILDREN. Got it yet?
I don't have a solution op but I feel for your parents your siblings are awful.
My youngest son is just in the process of moving out, he 32 he's been a pleasure to have around. I'm so proud that he's managed to buy a property on his own. We couldn't help financially but we could give him the opportunity to save and he does pay us rent.

So your parents are 60 and 65? Not elderly

@SunQueen24, I'm paying what my parents and I sat down and agreed I'd pay. I pay for my own food and do all my own cooking etc., not all of us live in cities with house shares readily available

What's nasty about calling out someone's aggressive attitude and then being bet with that same attitude.

You all need to get a grip

If your DP can't be honest and assertive with your siblings and the siblings either don't realise the extent of the imposition or care about the affects then it's difficult to suggest anything that may help. Your parents (not that elderly but perhaps not having the best health or energy) have to find a way of setting new boundaries - maybe put it in a well worded letter. The sibs may sulk for a while but surely they're not going to stop visiting or allowing visits forever.

Thank you! It's not as if I'm at home, unemployed, eating them out of house and home

I don’t understand the abuse you’re getting about living at home. I’m sure your parents are getting help around the house etc. from you.
As for the childminding, I’d say it to my sibling. It’s too much for your parents and at their ages they shouldn’t have to do all that work.
My aunt looked after my cousin’s two children, from her late 60’s to her 70’s. When they were babies and toddlers, then school collections etc. Then the sibling started having children and expected the same. I saw my poor aunt telling my mother how tired she was, but there was no let up. After another couple of years she started showing signs of dementia so they put her in a home. The now grown up grandchildren never visit, and the cousins hardly do either.

I agree. My parents are 78 and 72 and would be horrified to be described as elderly. My dad in particular (78) is still fit and well and volunteers a few days a week, takes part in sports etc.

If your siblings' behaviour isn't exaggerated, then obviously it is poor, but your parents are not helping themselves. They have free will. Though it seems odd that out of 4 siblings, 2 are apparently monsters and 2 are angelically supportive?

I'm also amazed to hear of the amount of illness you have suffered, with 3 kids at different stages we haven't experienced that amount across our whole parenting 'career' let alone one winter.

What makes you think your siblings with children aren’t just “scraping by” and your financial situation is so unique? I would hazard a guess that the cost of childcare is prohibitive to them, which doesn’t justify their over reliance on your parents but it does go someway to explain it.

Awful people OP.

Ignore all the people on this thread trying to derail your main point.

They might be similar to your bullying siblings and you've hit a nerve.

I think you'll need to speak with her. Telling her that your parents are beyond childcare at their age, & she must be more considerate of them. If that provokes a lack of contact, then so be it.

You shouldn't accommodate a CF, regardless of the relationship.