To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

That’s true but in the OPs post she mentioned the siblings pay for nursery , also that the siblings were key workers in covid ( which could imply odd shift timings that are incompatible with full time child care) and that the requests for childcare are mainly last minute, which probably means they ask for childcare help if their kid is ill and has to be out of school /nursery for that day.
im happy both parents are working, the uk economy needs it. In other countries women who want to can work because you pay for help plus families patch the gaps.

You could also flip your statement around and say that adults need to pay for their own full living costs - ie op needs to move out. She said she’s paying rent but she cannot afford rent, so it’s obviously a token amount not near market rates

the parents should absolutely be allowed to help their kids (if they want) whether it’s by providing housing to a full grown adult or helping their other kids with emergency childcare. Pretty sure if the siblings came here and posted saying their parents do all this childcare for them but their sister needs to be kicked out because the house is crowded, they would absolutely get flack too

Why not?

OP asked for advice not b*tchy idiotic comments from people who are likely more similar to her siblings than they realise 🤷‍♀️

OP your brothers and their excuses of wives/partners are taking the absolute piss out of your elderly, unwell parents to raise their young children…. The foul mouthed, badly behaved little brats that they have created but have no intention of caring for or raising. They quite obviously don’t spend enough time in their children’s company to discipline them and to use access as a weapon against your parents when they can’t use them as FREE childcare or to dump them off is beyond diabolical! The problem you have is unless your parents put their foot down, there’s not a lot you can do about it!
If it were me I’d be round my brothers houses absolutely shaming them and their wives/partners. Best wishes

☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻

This!

This thread is disgusting. Berating the OP for living at home as a single woman and people knowing there is a severe housing crisis going on...just revolting to read how judgemental a lot of you are. Should be ashamed of yourselves and can only assume you are all living under rocks or being deliberately obtuse.

OP, please ignore these posters and focus on some of the good advice given here. You are a caring and kind person by the sounds of it, unlike a lot of posters here.

i think it’s very easy to see things singularly when you don’t have children of your own yet.

You and your sibling live at home while your siblings have made their own lives outside the home. You seem unwilling to entertain any suggestion that you’re also adding to the burden at home - do you do all your own washing cooking cleaning and bill paying?

Your parents have agreed to childcare and depending on your culture maybe it’s assumed or implied. Parenting is bloody hard especially if you are both working. It does take a village and it reads like you are not part of that village other than to judge from the sidelines. Young children also get sick often and that’s life too. Its for a short time and it’s not practical to take a sick day to manage this as a parent when it’s so often in the early days.
Have you considered that it sounds like you’re a bit jealous of your parents giving of their time to your siblings in this way?

She's already said she helps around the house. It's pathetic these responses.
She's 25 years old. Nearly every person I know around that age is at home. I am in London but to make out that it is unusual or lazy is just being deliberately goady.
Honestly, this forum at times is something else.

Why do you say she’s not part of the village when she looks after the kids?

I thought she was out at work when the children were there?

Sounds like you are more concerned how it impacts you than your parents. My parents live too far away to help, but would love to be more involved with their grandchildren, bugs, tantrums etc. are just part of life, and from your description you sound rather anti-children.

If it's getting too much for your parents, or they feel it's expected rather than occasional help perhaps they need to have a honest discussion with their own children to reduce the amout of support they provide?

I think it's due to her tone, it's fine for her parents to support her, but not her brother/sisters... Her description of her niece/nephews sound anything but caring!

I think it's due to her tone, it's fine for her parents to support her, but not her brother/sisters... Her description of her niece/nephews sound anything but caring!

But her older siblings also got to live at home, for longer than she has. And they got home deposits. So how is she saying what you suggest?

I don't agree. People on here, I don't know how some sleep of a night. Nasty just for the sake of being nasty.

I feel really bad for grandparents stuck in this trap. We don’t live near my parents but my mum has plenty of friends that are slaves to the school run and to constant babysitting demands from their children. There is a whole generation of kids putting on their parents and living the life of riley because they aren’t having to pay for childcare!

Why does it need to be a competition? Sounds like they have supportive parents, and she doesn't like the germs and tantrums the grand-children create. As with this site you really only get one side of a story, but if it's too much the parents should say something...

I feel like this could be about me haha.

As you don’t have children it’s very difficult to see it from their perspective. The reason they likely rely on your parents for childcare is because it’s convenient, their children are happy there and it’s free. They know how hard their kids are but are used to it so are probably oblivious to how hard it is for their parents. They’re probably so busy trying to work full time, raise children and do all the housework etc that it probably doesn’t even cross their mind how hard it is. They are probably just on the hamster wheel ticking boxes and getting stuff done and they know they can rely on your parents.

Regarding seeing the children without having to look after them. This might sound heartless but there really is no benefit to your siblings to do that. Weekends will be over run with life admin and hobbies and trying to spend some nice time together as a family that seeing extended family doesn’t really fit in. It’s doesn’t mean they don’t love or care for you all but speaking as a parent of young children, spending time with family and friends isn’t really a regular thing because there’s no time. There is probably also an element that they think if you see the kids everyday get school why do you want to spend more time with them on a weekend.

In their defence, kids that age are always poorly and a snotty nose is just an all the time thing in winter. They probably don’t bat an eyelid at this kind of stuff because they still go to work and school so why can’t they go to your parents? It’s just a cold.

“So why can’t they go to your parents? It’s just a cold.”

Because as OP has stated multiple times in this thread - their parents are quite unwell with these illnesses. OP’s siblings must be incredibly ignorant or selfish to not see this. It’s not that difficult to comprehend.

OP's parents would say 'no more' if they wanted to, so this thread is entirely ridiculous now. They are adults that have not lost their faculties, and who enjoy their grand children, even if contact is tiring for them.

I don’t understand why people are telling you not to get involved, like your siblings are strangers. They’re your siblings, and your parents. Tell them they’re taking the mick out of your parents. I come from a large family, and I tell my siblings if they’re taking the piss all of the time. I learnt the hard way that staying silent does sod all.

That's patently bollocks.

It's rubbish too that "it takes a village" - plenty of parents rear their children without a "village"!!

Her siblings were in the family home until they were considerably older than the OP is now.

The OP doesn't appear to be jealous in the slightest. She's concerned for the wellbeing of her parents and her siblings are taking the absolute piss. I don't think you've been reading the same information that I have!

You are deliberating misreading the situation. The parents probably feel they'd be letting their children down if they stopped the childcare. They may well feel uncomfortable raising the issue and they are clearly afraid that there will be little contact with their grandchildren if they don't mind them.

All of that appears to have sailed right over your head. It's comments like this one that are entirely ridiculous, showing zero understanding of the circumstances.

None of that has sailed over anyone's head. You've merely listed things they may or may not have considered when making their decision. None of which invalidates their decision.

Think what you like. It's clear to me that the grandparents are concerned that all contact will be stopped if they don't tow the line.

Have your parents actually told your siblings that this is too much and they want to stop? You think theyre happy to have you living at home because theyve told you so. Maybe theyve also told your siblings theyre happy to look after the kids? Maybe you're all actually a burden but dont realise because they arent being upfront?

As previous poster said, lots of people moan about things, but don't actually want to stop doing them when push comes to shove.